Time to go Local

Well, it was amusing, and I liked the message you were trying to convey. The rhythm was way off, though, and I felt like you could do a lot more with the imagery. I'm as pro-organic as this poem seems to be--but give your verse a shot of caffeine!

Your rhythm is a little out in places and it was rather simple but I liked this. You had a strong message throughout the poem and it has a lot of potential. Here are a few suggestions -

It's all in the store, long gone from the fields [Change this to field so that the rhyme is smoother.]
Most of this stuff isn't even real! [Try to make this ten syllables. Perhaps 'Most of this stuff is not stuff I call real.']
Once, it was fresh kissed by the sun
Then it was processed, packed
And shipped off like cheap rum. [This would be great if you kept the structure throughout but you don't so maybe try to fit it into two lines with a complete rhyme? Something like -

Once it was fresh and carressed by sunlight
But now it's processed; shipped off in the night.

But, what if we all lived by our wits,
Hunting 'n' gathering, scraps and bits,
Our fast food nation, of "40 [Write this as forty.] Billion Served"
Would wither from hunger and die on the curb.

Admit it my friend, that [s]you are[/s] you're just like me,
Your belly's full of empty calories.
There's sugar and coloring
Preservatives and the like,
That you traded for $10
While at the truckers oasis last night. [Again, you could improve the rhythm. Maybe -

Sugar, colouring and preservatives
That you bought from the trucker's oasis.

[s]Yes,[/s] It's [s]all[/s] been too easy these last [s]50[/s] fifty years
Chock-full of McCrap, up to our ears.
Nothing is sacred, [s]and[/s] it brings me to tears,
It's time to go local! This much is clear!

Hope I helped a little and keep working on this one,

Heather xx

Some of your rhyming was forced, and I think this undermined your subject matter.(e.g "sun" and "rum".)Maybe try a redraft without the rhyme, and see what happens.
Your rhythm is off in places. Some lines need to be lengthed or shortend. Try reading it aloud, you'll get a better sense of what the beat should be. I'd try:

"Once, it was fresh, and kissed by the sun,
Then it was processed and packed,
and shipped off like cheap rum."

"Admit it, friend, you're just like me."

Lines 13 and 15 are off, so I'd rework them. You may need to scrap these two altogether.
The last stanza was mostly fine, but again, some of thr rhythm is off."To" is a typo, and should be "too". I'd say "right up to our ears" for the sake of improoving the beat, and I'd omit "and" from "and it brings me to tears."
Hope that helps.

"truckers" should be either "trucker's" or "truckers'", depending on what you meant.

[//grammar-naziism]

This sounds like something my friend Matt would write.

Overall, simplistic. It wasn't emotional or inspiring/beautiful, so I wouldn't really classify it as 'good' poetry. However, it was nice in its own cliche-good-intentions-way.

I hope that helped some...

Courtesy of the CCF,
~Ed