Published May 18, 2014
10
9
8
7
6
5 4 3 2 1
The launch has begun
But something's gone wrong
I saw your face
Smiling wide
Shining like the midnight sky
Remember those days
When we built rocket ships
That could fly up to space
In our dreams
In our dreams we fly
(Chorus)
In our dreams
We're shooting for the stars
Living with open hearts
Hand in hand
In outer space
(End)
With you by my side
We'll open our eyes
We'll look at the sky
We'll learn how to fly
In space
Nothing can fill the void
That grew inside of me
Except for the sound of your voice
But you are long gone
And I am all alone
A simple, lonely pawn
(Chorus)
Houston, we seem to have a problem
I cannot get
Your beautiful face
Out of my head
Like
You're the sun and i'm the moon
What's said is said
What's done is done
Maybe call me crazy
But I I I
Know you
Wanna fly fly fly
Up in Space
Or over New York City
With nobody else
But me me me
But me-e-e
(Chorus)
In Outer Space
We're shooting for the stars
(END)
Points:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
139,818 Literary Works • 672,772 Reviews
I like it.It has a nice rhythm.It sounds like a Ellie Goulding song.It needs to be little longer.You should write some music to go with it.You can download apps to help to process a little.You could be great songwriter.You'll already really good but with a little practice you could be the next Ellie Goulding.Good luck to you.
Hi there Fade! Niteowl here to review a fellow Ultramariner this fine Review Day!
First off, let me say I really liked this. I hate phrases like "this is good for your age", but this is good, period. I was honestly shocked to realize you're only 11. I especially liked the chorus.
A couple things I'd like to point out:
1) The starting image was interesting (the table for two) but it doesn't really fit with the outer space theme. It's a neat image, and I think you could work with it in another poem or song, but I'd go for something else here. Maybe a rocket that fails to launch?
2) The second verse doesn't feel like much of a verse to me, but it would make a good bridge (that's the part after the second chorus where the music usually rises and the rhythm changes). I'd consider adding another verse, possibly adding more detail about what went wrong.
Overall, this is well-done, though more could be added. Keep writing!
Hey, sorry for late reply, but thanks for reviewing! I added what you said, thanks a bunch!
I'm singing this in a YouTube video.
aww thanks <3 actually, i'm learning ukelele so i was going to make a video
re-did it. also, maybe we could make videos together
Ooh! Really?
Hi! there Fade
Welcome to YWS. Can't wait to hear the melody of this song. It feels light and nice. Though, yeah, it makes me quite sad that those happened only in her dreams but, regardless of that, I like this song. Especially, this line:
Call it weird but it's only now that I've heard of that. So, it's new to me.
Keep on composing songs and writing, as well..
Good job!
> Cha
Awesome job! This is the first song I've read on this site and I truly don't know how to review it. I'll try.
You did a really great job on this. The only thing I was confused about was the chorus. Where did it start/end?
I didn't notice any rhyme scheme, although there was "pawn" and "gone." Maybe if you added a little more rhyme it would boost the amazingness of your lyrics even more! The flow and use of repetition is superb. The story that you told is great! I'll point out a few of my favorite lines:
I love that!
Maybe.... just maybe... you can submit this to some famous musical artist for them to use! Or maybe you are a musical person yourself. It certainly has that potential!
~Wolfie
Well that was great!
I loved the emotions depicted. The shooting stars thing added to the romance. The line- Hand in hand has got much potential in it. I liked the way you described it. Its packed with emotion.
Great job I must say. Keep writing. I would like to read more of your songs.
Loads of best wishes,
Anne