Sxar waited in the darkness, the freezing air chilling him to the bone. His fingers, dripping red with the price of his victory, twitched. He listened, his black eyes straining in the gloom. It was completely silent, save the quiet dripping as water slowly trickled down the stalactites hanging from the cave ceiling. At his feet lay a man, his face hidden by a thin cloth draped over his nose and mouth. His back was shredded and bloody, Sxar’s mechanical claws had torn easily through flesh and muscle. The cave was quiet, but Sxar didn’t know how long that would last considering the chilling scream that had ripped through the cave only moments before. Why can’t people die quietly? Sxar wondered in annoyance.
The crack of a gun suddenly ripped through the cave, startling Sxar out of his mind. He whipped around in the darkness, looking for the source of the noise. A few seconds later another gunshot sounded, accompanied by a flash of light, briefly illuminating the small, twisty cave. Sxar swore violently and turned, fleeing into the cave tunnel away from the gunman. He could faintly hear footsteps echoing in the cave behind him, more than one pair. Maybe… three people? Four? There was a shout as the intruders found the shredded body. Sxar let out another string of curses. He should have covered his tracks. Maybe set the body aflame. They would know it was him from the corpse. Only Sxar used claws. They were considered ineffective by most, but Sxar had a fascination with claws and had trained endlessly with them, learning their tricks and techniques. They were, of course, no match for a gun. That’s what most people would say, anyway. Those laws didn’t apply to Sxar. His claws were an even match for any weapon someone could care to pull.
Sxar threw himself further down the cave, desperate to get away. The walls of the tunnel grew closer and more jagged, triggering Sxar’s claustrophobia.
Normally he could take on his pursuers easily, but not with these conditions. Not if what he had heard was true…
Sxar rounded a corner and hit a dead end. Stone walls blocked his path, trapping him. Sxar had to bite his tongue to cut off the string of profanities that was building in his throat. He glared at the dead end and then turned, facing back the way he’d come. He could hear his enemies, their footsteps louder now, moving through the tunnels, soon to inevitably find him. Sxar closed his eyes for a moment, thinking.
His eyes shot open suddenly and he stood taller, mind made up. He tore open the weathered satchel hanging at his side, pulling out a cloth-wrapped object about the size of his fist. He stared at it for a second, running his fingers over the rough fabric. The item concealed inside was incredibly important, and Sxar knew he couldn’t let it be confiscated by his enemies, even if it meant losing his life. He looked around the tunnel, searching for the right spot. His eyes caught on a small nook in the wall, down by the floor. He kneeled and gently placed the object in the crevice where it was partially hidden. He then traced a half-circle around it, from wall to wall, muttering words only he knew under his breath. The cave wall shimmered, then flowed over the gap in the wall, completely hiding the object. Sxar ran his hand over the wall, feeling the new stone he had created. It felt soft, still malleable from being formed. With shaking hands, Sxar pulled a small knife from his bag, fully aware that his enemies were drawing closer. He pulled his sleeve up and placed the knife against his arm, held his breath, and slashed himself. Silver blood poured from the wound, and pain surged up his arm, but Sxar wasted no time. He dropped the knife and cupped his hand under the cut, collecting the silver liquid. After a few seconds, he pulled his hand away, stained silver, and wiped it on the wall right above where he’d hidden the object. The stone glowed for a moment, his blood seeping into the wall. Soon there was no trace. The blood that had spilled to the floor had also vanished, soaking into the rock.
Sxar stood, his task done. Facing the end of the passage, back to the tunnel, he reached into his bag and pulled out a final item. His claws. They were stained red, but Sxar ignored the gore, slipping each claw onto its individual finger. He flexed his hands, the long metal pieces clinking together. He turned, facing the passage. He could hear his pursuers, only seconds away. Knowing this next breath might be one of his last, Sxar breathed in deeply, closing his eyes and wishing the last thing he smelled could be something other than the musky cave and fresh blood. He opened his eyes just as his foes rounded the corner, two tall men, both wearing face covers, both wielding guns. Sxar started to raise his claws but froze when a third person came around the corner.
It was nightmarish. A tall, slender figure, void of any color. It wasn’t black… just… nothing. No color. No being. The way it moved was unnatural. Disgusting. It left black residue wherever it stepped, and even the stone itself seemed to whither.
He couldn’t move. His whole body tensed until it was painful. His breath suddenly felt sharp in his chest, like broken glass. He stared at the… thing, and it stared back. Really stared back. Its head split open, revealing a great red eye. That eye burned straight into Sxar’s soul. His black pupils suddenly expanded, filling his whole eye. Everything was getting fainter, all he could see was that eye… he couldn’t even feel the world around him anymore. It was all going black. He couldn’t remember his name anymore… or anything about himself… what was going on? The eye seemed to grow larger, consuming all of Sxar’s energy… his mind… everything felt wrong… the world was fading. All he could see was the eye… he could hear it in his mind…
“Hello, dreamchild.”
Then a gunshot rang out, and the world went black.
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139,023 Literary Works • 672,398 Reviews
Hello, it's Ronin here to leave a quick review!
Without further ado, lets start get started with the premise:
The story follows a character named Sxar who, after taking the life of one of the figures apart of a larger antagonistic group, is forced to flee when the commotion alarms another group of figures (who I presume are from the same group as the one he killed), in order to protect the artifact that he's carrying from them. It's a very interesting choice for a premise, one that's inevitably going to build suspense and hook the reader.
Character:
While the reader wouldn't have much background on Sxar's character at this point in the story, he does at the very least, seem to have a compelling motive. We can also speculate on a few of Sxar's flaws:
To me, the purpose of this paragraph is to draw the reader's attention to Sxar's stubborn and hot-headed nature, reflected in how easily he can be identified due to his unique weapon choice and his failure to cover up his tracks in the heat of the moment.
The monologue where he proclaims that his claws can match any weapon could also be a way to express to the reader that he's quite arrogant as well, at least when it comes down to his fighting capabilities. We can also deduct the possibility of Sxar fleeing often when he finds himself in situations like this, since in this particular instance, he's carrying something important that he can't let the enemy take from him. On top of that, when he reached the dead-end in the cave, rather than finding a way to escape, he simply hid the object.
In my opinion, these little hints throughout the plot could mean one of two things in regards to Sxar's character:
-either he is extremely motivated by something/committed to someone (if he's working for someone)
-or he's just plain arrogant and is daring enough that he would risk his life for whatever this artifact is
Either way, I think he makes for a pretty interesting character. Wonderful job in this aspect of the story!
Writing/Pacing:
Having a premise for a story is nice, but it's not always a requirement for a story to be compelling. The EXECUTION for that premise, however, is a requirement, and I would just like to say that right off the bat you did a spectacular job at grabbing my attention... but the events themselves are not explain very clearly.
There's no context as to whether Sxar had to kill the man to get the artifact or if he already had it on him, and while the hook is strong, this confusion may take away from that. Likewise, if Sxar already had the artifact to begin with and the guy was just standing in his way, then it kills the suspense immediately because then the scene feels more like it's trying to be dramatic for the sake of being dramatic. It's cool that we know Sxar isn't afraid to kill to achieve his goals, but for a hook, it doesn't really do much.
There were also parts that dragged on for an unrealistic amount of time that also killed the suspense a little bit. I feel like the time it took for Sxar to think of a plan, put on each individual claw would've been more than enough time for his pursuers to catch up to him, especially when they were described as being seconds away after the paragraph where he was attempting to conceal the artifact:
Prior to this, it doesn't add up how his pursuers discovered the body at the same time Sxar began fleeing. This would've meant that they were already seconds away from him for the duration of the chase sequence yet once he turned the corner and found the dead-end, they were described as being a lot farther than what was stated earlier.
I would also like to bring up the last part, because it feels extremely rushed and messy:
First of all, the use of an ellipses after every sentence feels very unnecessary and reads as a very lazy way to describe Sxar's experiment as confusing and disorienting, and it just isn't working. I noticed you also repeated how the only thing Sxar could see in that moment was the eye in a very similar way. I'm not sure if this was intentional or you were just writing whatever came to mind in that moment, but it can read as very repetitive, especially in this kind of passage where all the sentences are basically identical.
Theories/Analysis:
Judging by the title, I'm guessing that in the next part Sxar will have to pay for killing one of the guy associated with this mysterious organization. I'm not sure what the black figure had to do with any of this, but my best guess is that it was a physical manifestation of something. Maybe the artifact is cursed, maybe Sxar actually feels some lingering guilt for killing and this is the psychological byproduct of that guilt, specifically the act of drawing blood in some way?
Overall, this was a pretty interesting read with a few minor issues, but I'm interested to see what happen's next when Sxar wakes up, if he DOES wake up, because at the end you made it seem like he was shot. I hope this review was more helpful than it was critical. I promise not every YWSer is as mean as I am. ;-;
If you do end up sticking around, I look forward to seeing more of your writing!
Thank you for your comments and advice! This story was definitely not very well thought out, a lot of the time I just write little snippets like this because it%u2019s a really good way for me to express myself, so they%u2019re usually quick and messy. When I think of a possible plot line I just write it down as quickly as I can so I don%u2019t lose the idea, so there are definitely a lot of mistakes.
You're a master of suspense! Great job!
Thank you! <3
Helloooo!! This is such a compelling story, with details written in a way that is very engaging to read! Overall, many of the descriptions here are greatly written. It really takes it time with the action; while remaining to be very detailed to be engaging, it is also able to be comprehensible!! Alongside that, the story here easily brings so much interest to the setting and characters!
Sxar, just as his name, is quite an oddity! I truly wonder about him and these supposed enemies; what their goals are when attempting to get Sxar and what could Sxar exactly could be avoiding by killing his enemies. I also think about Sxar's existence—specifically, I lean towards the idea that he could be an "experiment" on a human body gone wrong. Due to having some similarities to humans, but still remaining to have distinct qualities to his human traits that make him not completely (traditionally) human; such as having blood, but it being a different color. His name could also emphasize how human but different he is, as his name can be interpreted as a word (scar), but it being altered by an unusual letter like "x".
Throughout the story, there is this ongoing tension that builds up to a big reveal. While I do give praise for these great descriptions, I do believe that some moments of the writing could be extended or altered more for the sake of remaining to uplift some moments of tension! The specific moments I feel could be uplifted:
I feel here, instead of "triggering Sxar's claustrophobia", the description should lean towards the focus on his senses and/or feelings as a result of the tunnels becoming closer. Such as becoming more sweaty, or heaving more, gasping more, his heart quickening, chills upon his body, or suddenly feeling an edge of dread—basically show us this anxiety of closed-in spaces, instead of or before telling that he has claustrophobia. Especially since we are introduced to this hardcore, fighter, leaning more into his claustrophobia getting triggered could be a more impactful moment!
The word "Disgusting" is this strong, extreme word that could definitely have more impact depending on how you use it. For this case, while the description here is pretty decent to describe how uncanny and gross this thing appears even with its shortness, I feel the impact could be stronger if "Disgusting" could be swapped to be the ending statement of this paragraph.
So the writing could tell us the details of this creature that makes it disgusting, without the readers being told that earlier, so we [readers] can process that the creature is this disgusting thing before being told that it is, or well before the paragraph concludes that it is disgusting. Processing the details first before being told how we're supposed to feel about what this creature is could uplift this description!!
Regardless of criticisms, this is a great part one so far!! The story is really intriguing!! This ending was also quite interesting, plus the dark figure & the build-up to a possible transition to another setting brings so much wonder!! Keep writing!!
Thanks for the advice!