Her looks during the chemical driven interference
In comparison to her well known public appearance
Were unfortunately easy ones to readily recognize.
Our picture perfect princess is in complete disguise
With her expensive clothes a-mess and hair unkempt,
A certain stare shows the room that she hasn't slept.
She's in a bad, bad way and feeling down at the heel,
Acid eating away stomach lining instead of a meal.
Lost her beautiful voice and unable to make a sound
And the ones doomed just like her can all be found
Amongst her in this drab place where reality cannot
Be placed, heard, felt or seen; it is but a thought.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,857 Reviews
I think you mean unkempt, as in untidy, as opposed to unkept, which means unfulfilled or broken.
Amongst means surrounded by - the other people can't really be surrounded by her; she is amongst them.
Also I think it doesn't flow very well. A good way I've found to fix this is to set yourself a minimum and maximum number of syllables with a difference of two and stay within those limits for every line. If you struggle to make that work with the words that you've got then get yourself a thesaurus, and change them.
Overall, a good piece (though I don't really understand the title),
Bkwrm
Yeah, I have to agree the rhythm was a bit off somewhere.
Apart from that I quite liked it. I liked the topic and the end lines, it was interesting the way you decibed re-hab. If that was what you meant.
Yeah.... I liked it.
Just do what Firestarted said and it will be much better. Also I didn't quite get the name. You might want to change that, but its probably just me.
Charlotte
The big problem I had with this poem is the rhythm and how hard it was to read in my head. When I read a poem, I "listen" to it, it's natural. It was hard to do in this case -- examples such as in the third line, where you seem to try and pack too many syllables in. What I suggest is to read your poem out load and fix all the places where it becomes difficult to speak. Believe me, there's quite a few. Poetry doesn't work if there's no rhythm and flow of words, and that is currently making this poem lacking.