Published September 29, 2007
Oh, so glad we know just what to do.
Sounds like breaking glass.
Tumblin' 'round in the dark, makes me laugh.
Everyone's going to be happy.
Sitting 'round, smoking cigarettes,
Night full of gambles, luck, and silly bets.
Like last time; we'd been playing.
But they don't know what we're saying.
They're young and still breathing.
The short end of class put on trial,
It's too late, they've tasted their fate, they've tried it all.
By the flickering of the streetlight,
Illegitimate brother, we are all goners.
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141,687 Literary Works • 675,575 Reviews
I like the first two stanzas - the rhymes were really good, seemingly effortless - but the last two lines seemed kind of weak compared to the rest. I can't say exactly why... maybe I didn't read carefully enough, I don't know. It just didn't make much sense to me why there was an illegitimate brother tossed into the mix when you didn't even really know who the speaker was... Why just add him in there in the last line?
I envy your ability to produce clean rhymes.
But either way, it was nice.
Peace, love, chocolate,
Muffin
This is a good poem, strong, but for me personally i can't feel it. it seems like it's detached. But other than that great job!!
It's a really good poem.
It's a really relevant topic to teens nowadays, and that's cool, I just don't get why the line breaks are where they are. I think it would feel more connected if you deleted the line break between "they've tried it all" and "by the flickering streetlight."
The idea is told in a powerful manner, and kept me reading. Very nice!
Wow, I really like this. Good idea, good punctuation. I can't really say anything bad about it, as i know nothing about poems. Anyways, great.
x
NICE! i really really like it. espesially the second stanza.