It was great having loads of money. It meant you could live life happily giving to the poor or saving a didn't species. But more importantly? It meant you could throw dank parties, in your crib, up in the Hollywood hills.
"Who's ready for some shots?!" Shouted someone, a beacon of light for anyone looking to get wasted.
This is a dense humid climate and to thrive you must drink drink the devils blood, or tequila. After gulping back a shot, or maybe five? I can't remember, anyway, I've decided to go to the kitchen. Now this, this is the dangerous part. Making your way across across a packed party is no matter to take lightly. One false move and you could be lost in a sea of grinding bodies, not to be found till the next day. I know this all to well as I lost one of my best friends for a year until he was found raving his face off at a party in Amsterdam.
After traversing the sea of sweat drenched body's and stumbling passed the guy who had been doing the robot for an hour without stop (I didn't know wether to 've impressed or concerned so I just shouted "yeaaahhh!" and hoped someone else would deal with it), I finally made it to the kitchen.
The kitchen at any party is the oasis, a sacred land amongst the party crazed animals in the other rooms. You could 're-hype, 're-fill your bevy and 're-enter what will probably be the most intense physical work out of your life. This is also where I made a big mistake.
I'll ju... I'll just have uno ma... mas... One more I said to myself with a mixture of giggling and slurring all the while pouring another shot of tequilla.
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139,372 Literary Works • 672,541 Reviews
This is the perfect example of how I feel at a party! XD The movement of the party and everything shoving you around and hoping you don't get caught in anything you won't be able to get yourself out of! And we all know the feeling of wanting just "one more shot" and struggling to get the alcohol IN the glass. All in all, I really enjoy the way you worded everything. It's almost like you scanned people's brains and put it into words and shoved it onto a page online.
Hey there FabeIsLife. It's just lizzy dropping by real quick, so without further ado, let the reviewing begin.
1. First off, welcome to YWS and congrats on publishing your first piece. It was very entertaining for the size, but I think I will start my critique with grammar and spelling today. The most major things that you have in this piece are a couple of typos and a few misspelled words. Let's start with the typos.
-"The Night Befote" I am guessing that this was just a typo and not some slang word, but I am not to familiar with slang. Simple enough fix just change "Befote" to "Before".
-The next one is really just a change in caps and a preference opinion from your reader.
The other reviewer mentioned this and gave you this fix, but to me it still sounded wrong. I would reword the "beacon of light" phrase or split it up.
-"wether" as the other reviewer pointed out should be whether.
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2. Your story is extremely short, so I am just going to combine the discussion on plot and length. The story could be a bit longer because all of the thoughts were rushed. I did not have enough time to read one part before having another shoved in my face. The length and the plot are really connected because one interferes with the other. If the story is too short, the plot is not thorough. If the plot is too thorough, the story will be too long. There is a careful balance here, but your story, in my opinion should be a little bit longer to let the plot develop.
3. Well, that's about all I have for this review. Sorry to be leaving so soon.
-lizzy
Hey there,
This was a short but entertaining piece of wild youths. Nice!
It was too short to have a plot, or even to know if the main character's name, gender or appearance, but maybe that was the point.
I just have a few nit-picks, which I think you could've caught if you had read over it with an editor's eye before posting:
"or saving a didn't species"
A didn't species? Do you mean different species?
"Who's ready for some shots?!" Shouted someone,
Shouted should not be capitalized as it follows dialogue, and I also think it would flow nicer if it said "someone shouted", but that's just me, you don't have to listen.
The tense throughout the piece kept changing. Like you say "shouted" which is past tense, but then you say "This is a dense..." and "I've decided to go into the kitchen" which is present tense. It's important to stick to one tense when writing, since we don't skip backwards and forwards in time, you know?
"Making your way across across a packed party is no matter to take lightly. One false move and you could be lost in a sea of grinding bodies, not to be found till the next day. I know this all to well as I lost one of my best friends for a year until he was found raving his face off at a party in Amsterdam."
That made me laugh xD
"drenched body's"
body's should be bodies
"wether to 've impressed "
Perhaps you are trying to convey the writer is getting drunk and can't write properly? But if not, this should probably say "Whether to be impressed"
Also, nice ending
Cool piece, quite humorous, but could be a bit longer! I left feeling unsatisfied just because of the length.
If you have any questions about what I've said let me know.
Keep writing!
-Zsmith