Published February 1, 2009
Words and stories, tales afar,
Times of peace and times of war
love and conquest, battles won,
trial lost, and quests begun
dark proposals, writ in blood
cunning thieves and diamond mud
broken swards of warriors past
come and tell your tales at last
speak to me so i may hear
tales of love and tales of fear
I am the child, you are the book
sing me songs of pirate's hook
warrior woman, princess bride
ships at sail on seas so wide
moaning wind on full-moon night
fear in my heart and blood in my sight
castles full of fortunes past
dragon’s skin on canvas vast
parting glimpses of love long lost
tell the tale of war’s true cost
with fire in my heart, and worms on your spine
spinning yarns of lover’s pine
sing to me oh gracious book
and i might take another look
at those around me arrogant, fair?
who doth keep and who doth share
with water’s love and prince’s shape
take me in your dragon’s cape
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140,766 Literary Works • 673,687 Reviews
I liked this poem, I could really see what the narrarator was talking about when they were speaking. Most of my comments have already been said in previous reviews, I just want to add that while I was reading it I was wondering where it was going. There doesn't seem to be a direction to me. good job though!
I really love the fairytale quality of this poem. SOme parts are dark, but I like that, it seems real. The ending leaves loose ends, butI still like it. You did a great job.
I really love the vocabulary you use in this. EX: "doth"
My favorite phrase in your poem..."writ in blood." I didn't think it was possible to cut a word like that, but it works here.
As for the poem as a whole, I really like how it all fits, has a single theme (fantasy) and has such a rhythm I felt like reading it aloud in front of my class!
Nice work, and so far so good
Okay, I'll concede to this. It does have great imagery. I should have specified that "blood in my sight" was what threw me off. And as some people do like that contrast, just ignore what I said here.
True, it is a juxtapose, but not a correct one. The poem here is saying that the parting glimpses of love long lost are telling the tale of war's true cost. The two lines would fit perfectly if you don't have the "long lost" part. To me, this would make more sense like this:
"Parting glimpses of loves soon lost
Tell the tale of war's true cost."
Now, it's telling the tale of a maid and her knight and the last moments they share together before he has to go off to war and get killed.
I still don't agree with "water's love", but it's really up to the poet to decide. And even so, with the "dragon's cape," dragons were all ready mentioned. It would be nice to bring something fresh in. And I still don't think it should be the ending.
Now, I still love this poem. It's a really, really good poem. But when I read it, these are just the things that pulled me up a bit short. So, FLyerS, congratulations.
But, TSun, I'm confused and maybe you could help me. Why did you review my review instead of reviewing the poem? I'm not the one up for critique here.
Hey there! I'm June! Welcome to YWS! I'm more than glad to meet and review this for you!
Let's get to work.
, so put the title in the subject line next time, dear, okay?
Before I begin with the slaughtering of this, I have to say, this was fabulous. I mean, fabulous stuff just screams for slaughtering.
You should give this a title! Don't worry! No body here is going to smear you
Now, let's get to work!
So! I love the way you open here. You have a beautiful, even rhyme scheme and rhythm going here, and it pulled me in. Most of the time, when I read a poem, I'm not easily pulled in. You like, kidnapped me with this line and dragged me in. Great job with that
Question: In the second line, did you mean "trials" instead of "trial"? I think it's a slight typo-- no big error
Again! Semi colon on the end of second line. Or! More conveniently, you can stick a period there.
This couplet is exciting! It's pulling us deeper and deeper into the poem, whilst setting the stage for drama
Also! Try to keep the beginnings of your lines capitalized, dear. It makes it easier to read
Yay! Action! I like this part, a lot. After we become excited with the previous couplet, you give us drama that'll raise the hairs on our necks
Capitalize your first letters in the line, dear, and remember to punctuate the end
Question: By "swards" did you mean "swords"?
Capitalize your first letters; punctuate.
This turns the poem slightly more serious while keeping up the smooth rhythm you've introduced us to. Faaaabulous job, my dear.
Oi! The pronoun "I" must always, always be capitalized. I know Edgar Alan Poe scarcely-- if ever-- capitalized his "I's" but that's because he's Poe.
So! To make this more proper, keep your I's capitalized at all times.
Now, you're turning the point of view into someone that's up for anything. You see, had you been a knight, or a king, he'd probably only be up for one thing, maybe action or jewels? Or whatever it is kings and knights want, but! A child's mind is always ready for excitement, and variable adventures. By using this, you are telling us that the focal point is not strictly affixed to one type of action. Great job!
I have words in the back of my head that I want to write here, but they just won't come! Basically, what I really like about this part is the fairy-tale touch to it. It reminds me of this picture I saw in a book once, where all of the important parts of fairy tales-- knights in shining armor, princesses, horses, ships, swords, and so on-- were drawn on one page-- they all came together to have a piece on the action. I don't know why, but this couplet is really reminding me of that picture
This couplet is my favorite so far. The image of "moaning wind" is just fantastic. We can really imagine the setting of this as we read through it. You haven't failed to touch on everything we need to see through the narrators eyes.
This, my dear new friend, is the only ,only thing that this poem didn't have yet. The dragons! I mean, this makes me want to go watch Cinderella or something. (Yes, I'm aware of how childish I seem right now, Haha). You have perfectly captured every little bit of fairy-tale-ness in this poem. Great job!
This couplet is so sweet. I think I have near wasted all of my words talking nonsensically above, but this is just amazing.
I love your usage of "fire in my heart". It's beautiful.
Oi! Watch the lowercase "I's"!
Ask yourself here, is using "doth" instead of "do" of any use? I know that you are trying (and achieving!) a slightly ancient touch, but just keep an eye on your switching between modern and old English
Perfect ending
Overall, this poem, was just amazing and fabulous. It gave me the feel of childhood-- it brought back so many fairy-tale-ish memories.
Aside from punctuation and capitalization, this poem was perfect. Very well versed, and your rhyme never failed, never was forced.
Also! This seems to be more "Narrative Poetry" than "Other poetry"
Great job! Gold star for you!
June
to me, those two lines make great imagery and a beautiful juxtaposition
again, these lines are juxtaposing each other...please take time to deconstruct poems properly next time =)
also, the parting glimpses may refer to when men have to go to war, so if you think about it, the two lines fit perfectly.
water in itself is the purest of all things, it is neither good nor bad, neither hate nor love, thus saying water's love if an extreme type of love, a love shared by two people who are deeply obsessed with each other.
Dragon's cape is referring to dragon skin capes. Which means that the "prince" has slain the dragon and made a cape out of its' skin as a token of accomplishment. Hence, dragon's cape makes perfect sense.
First off, as a general thing, your capitalization and punctuation is all weird and off. I trust you can fix that on your own according to your poetic desires.
Great beginning! It introduces your topic and you get a feel for the poem. I like these lines.
Diamond mud? Sure, it sounds cool, but it doesn't make much sense. It seems like you were stretching to rhyme with blood.
Ahem, maybe you mean swords? Don't worry, typos gang up on the best of us.
Okay, I will say this: please capitalize that I, dear.
I just really like these lines, especially the "pirate's hook" part. It just invokes all those lovely memories of childhood tales and stories.
This seems...forced. I'm not sure why. Also, it's kind of a sudden contrast from those happy adventure images to these more dark ones.
Again, that doesn't make much sense. Unless you're trying to invoke images of tapestry...
If love is long lost, then why are there present-tense glimpses? And war's true cost is loosing love? I thought it was death and the toll it takes on the people...
Why are there worms on the spine? Also, the rhyme here just seems forced.
I'm not sure why there's a question mark there. But otherwise, I like these lines.
"Prince's shape" is a great image. But "water's love" should be something different. How about "lady's love"? Plus, dragons don't wear capes.
I can't really find a definite ending, here. It just sort of...stops.
I really like this poem. It's a great idea, and in general your rhyming works. Seeing as I can't rhyme to save my life, I appreciate good rhyming. Plus, I love to read.
Just think about my suggestions. Keep up the good work!