Young Writers Society

Well, Jasmine was pretty thorough in her review, and I have nothing else to really add except to second her suggestions on punctuation. It will make this poem much easier to read so that we readers can focus on enjoying it rather than puzzling over "Was that all one thought, or two?"

This poem was quite funny and clever, and it made me giggle. :D

Hi,

Welcome to YWS! I hope you like it here.

I really enjoyed this, it was very clever and funny. I really loved;
"the softly flowing flesh around his middle
drapes lovely awaiting it's next meal".

I only have a couple of minor nit-picks; you don't need an apostrophe in "it's " because "it's" is "it is", rather than showing possession like "Clara's coat" or "Clara's going".

I'd also tidy up the punctuation a little. I hope you don't mind but I'm going to give you an example of something that might work. Also when in doubt, read your poem aloud and add full-stops and commas where you're stopping naturally or pausing for breath.

"My lover's hair is as soft as a burlap sack-
I stroke his armpit to get its feel.
The softly flowing flesh around his middle
drapes lovely awaiting it's next meal .

His noble nose hooks down his face
to end(you don't need a comma here) turned up around his lower lip,
his eyebrows curl gently, encasing his eyes
which are as endearing as an olive's pip .

A pleasure to read. Feel free to P.M me if you ever want a poetry review.

Hope this helps.

Jas