Published June 13, 2010
Com hom Alason, way mayis yawo
Yawo prawblay hayv ay faynsay haws
bae thau oshin,
Buit way wawnt yaw byak
Saw com hom Alason,
Way'yul bayk yawo ay cayk
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140,766 Literary Works • 673,687 Reviews
Hey!
So, this was really hard to read. I got it on the first try and everything, but the accent just didn't seem right--it's supposed to be Southern, yes? I'm just going to keep thinking it is until I'm corrected. It drags way too much, and in my 20 or so years of living in Alabama, I have never heard something like this. When trying to pull off a dialect, you should probably do it subtly. Keep it so the reader can understand it, but still put that twang in it.
These are suggetions:
So, other than that. I think that there should be more to it. I mean, this sounds a bit like something you'd put in a piece of prose as an insert--the letter they wrote to Alason (or Allison, or whatever--Also, they'd definitely know how to spell her name properly. Keep that in mind.) But to make it work better as a piece of poetry, try adding more into it.
For instance, the fancy house. Write another line or so about what they think of the fancy house, and even better, what they might think that living there has done to the girl. You seem like you want to make them say that the fancier life she's living is kind of taking their baby away from them. Write about that.
And what has their life been like without her? Maybe you could take a look at that, too.
I do think that the last two lines would still be good words to end on; Southerners tend to be in the mindset that the way to their loved ones' hearts is through their stomachs. That's why we have all the really rich food, cook more than others, value the ability to cook more than people from other regions. So, yes, a good way for them to show they love her is to bake her a cake.
You have good ideas; just build on them and work on your dialect.
Hope this helped!
Oh! I get it.
This took a few tries and reading it aloud twice to understand. My translation, and correct me if I'm wrong, is this:
Come home Alison, we miss you
You probably have a fancy house
by the ocean,
But we want you back
So come home Alison,
We'll bake you a cake
Now, I sort of like the way you use phonetics here. But realistically, it doesn't translate well to the written word, and it's very confusing. I wish I could be more positive about it, because it's very unique and it could have been very good, but somehow it just didn't work.
Also, the whole thing has very little substance to it. I mean, basically the story is that this Alison girl has moved away from home, and her family miss her. This would be okay if you padded it out a little more, with imagery and metaphors and the like. Literary devices like this are perfect for poetry, and the purpose is to make your reader see what's happening. If the phonetic words were easier to read, they would be beautiful for this, because they create a really thick accent that kind of gives an insight into the characters - but the way you've done it, it's a little bit too much, and unfortunately it will just leave your reader in a state of confusion.
If it was longer, and the phonetics watered down, it might work. But this just doesn't seem to have much of a point to it, I'm afraid. And the ending line is very much out of place.
I'm sorry I can't be more positive. This is very different to what I was expecting to see, and I'm not at all an expert in this sort of poetry, so I can't give you a more accurate critique than some of the more experienced poets we have here. But if you have any questions about what I've said, don't hesitate to PM me and I'll be happy to explain.
Hope I helped
~Grin
Um English please?