Published April 3, 2011
Blond curls caress my hand in my mind's eye.
His deep brown eyes lock mine across the room.
I blush and he does to, we're both so shy.
A smile, a tilted head, the bass goes "boom."
One Scott McMeen has got my heart in hand,
I hope that he will trust the same to me.
We'll dance and sway to my first prom night's band
And in his arms my soul will then be free.
My ears are hot, my face is red, though I
Feel self-assured. My confidence comes out
Full-force, as hand-in-hand we fly sky high
Through wind, through rain, through pain, sadness and doubt.
But calm yourself, Alice, it's only prom.
Wait till he's out of ear-shot to call mom.
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140,763 Literary Works • 673,687 Reviews
Yeah, It is bland. That's why I don't usually write love poems. They turn out dumb. This one is a writing assignment.
I like this, though you need to fix the fourth line of the first stanza. It has too many syllables. The story seemed a little bland, though it was cute. Your choice of rhymes seems a little childish. But I loved the third stanza! It had such a great tone and mood that went along with it, I just loved it. And usually, sonnets don't have spaces between the stanza's. And the very last line is always indented once. Check out mine if you need a guideline.
The poem also feels very descriptive in feelings but not so much with surroundings. I don't know, maybe it was just me, but still, I think you should try to balance feeling and detail out a little more. It needs more work, but with a little it could become a really powerful poem. I really liked this, great job.
Keep writing,
Emmy