Published March 13, 2011
Such a shy little girl am I.
I didn't know love could be so conspicuous.
Maybe I just shouldn't have tried
to find love in such an obvious place
Oh, no, wait, I'm not that girl.
the girl who knows that it's to late.
Oh, no, I'm not the other kind,
The one who high school left behind.
What a punk little bitch am I.
I didn't know life could be so continuous.
How many people have fell and died
So I could live here, it's such a waste.
Oh, no, wait, I'm not that girl.
The girl who knows that it's too late.
Oh, no, I'm not the other kind,
The one who high school left behind.
What a smart little chick am I
How could I know we could be so contiguous
The way we touch lets me know I can fly.
How can I stop my affection for you?
Oh, no, wait, I'm not that girl.
The girl who knows that it's too late.
Oh, no, I'm not the other kind,
The one who high school left behind.
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140,763 Literary Works • 673,687 Reviews
I guess I didn't make it clear enough that it is a song... that's why the repeated stanza... The rhythm sounds better with the music playing in my head... Thanks for the reviews.
Hello, FLyerS. I am going to review your poem.
First off, I like the change from innocence into darkness. It's pretty interesting.
But, when you do this, you have no turn whatsoever but "Oh no, I'm this now." Your poem is very repetitive and at times kind of annoying. Maybe if instead of saying the same thing time and time again, you reworded it a bit to make your poem interesting, but you don't do even this.
These four lines alone make up half of your poem. And no, I don't mean your poem is two stanzas long, i mean this same EXACT stanza is used three times. Poetry is different from songs, it's not supposed to have a refrain. Sure, it could have a line that opens each stanza and is then used to conclude the poem in a cool way. But, no, you just repeat the SAME STANZA, and it is indeed exhausting.
Now, I understand you're trying to make it like an intermission between each stage of your MC's transformation, but it just doesn't have that effect.
Anyway, the third stanza was my favorite. It was a very good middle to your MC's change.
Hope I helped, and wasn't too harsh!
~BTM
hiya. I really liked it the way it all linked together. Not revealing too much, yet not too little. It makes you wonder what sort of a girl she really is since she doesn't seem so sure of herself yet. It's kind of the way a teen looks at her/himself when they are coming. Good job
Let's take this stanza by stanza, shall we? Grammatical errors will be in red.
The first stanza is okay, meaning-wise. It's the flow you're going to have to work on. When you have such short lines, as is the case here, it's absolutely imperative that you standardize the number of syllables in each line. Or at least aim for some kind of pattern. With longer lines, it's not as important, but here you fell flat as far as flow, especially in the first stanza. The second stanza fell to pieces, as well. When you incorporate intentional contradictions, you have to know exactly what you're talking about, and you have to know that the reader will, too. I didn't. The second stanza really killed the feeling developed in the first one, as well. Very abrupt transition.
Going for a pattern, are we? Personally, I didn't find that stanza so great. I wouldn't think you'd want to actually reiterate it. But I kind of like the first one. with that one little correction, I think it'd be pretty good. It's halted, but in a good way; a way that supports the feeling there.
Again, the repetition falls flat. It's a rare poem that can master repetition to the extent that an entire stanza can be repeated not twice, but three times. This is not one of those poems. So. Keep working on that, and good luck.
-Kafka
Hey there, FlyerS! I'm Lumi, if you don't know me, and I'm going to give you a super-quick review!
So my main quip to make about this is your use of a repeated stanza (a chorus) throughout. Now, while it's perfectly fine to use in poetry, and can be a great tool, I want to suggest that you make it worth repeating! As it stands right now, you lack quite a bit of flow, and the emotion that should come through--the emotion that I know you can make me feel--just falls a little flat.
But I want you to fix that because I know you can! I've seen your work around YWS, and I want you to impress me with your writing because I know it's in you.
The second thing I'm going to bark about is just this one line that made me make that Scooby Doo confused noise!
While I'm all for creative expression through varied language, this doesn't give your piece quite a bit of...well...anything. I think you can whip out something impressive in its place, and I want you to try!
So yes--you have some work ahead of you! But that means that you have loads of potential that needs polishing.
Let me know if you have any questions or comments!
-Lumi
p.s. You're my 100th review.
Hey FLyerS,
This is the first review I've done in a while, so here goes...
It was really great! It was different from all those other romantic, love poems I've read, and I liked how it was different. It had a really good structure, it was neat and clear and flowed pretty well. I thought the poem had real good character to it, it wasn't incredibly fragile, nor was it too strong. Maybe at the end, describe yourself or this girl the poem speaks of and tell how emotional strong she is. Just an idea...
Best wishes for future writing!
Miyakko.
Hey,
I loved it, and that is actually saying something. I'm really picky about my poetry, but your poem hit all the right notes. I could feel and hear the emotion, the images created were fantastic, and the word choice seemed spot on for most of the poem.
I, of course, spotted one or two little nit-picky details that you should fix. The "to," in line 6 should be "too." Also, in line four, "obvious place," seemed kind of out place to me. The same happened in line 20. The "for you," just sounded a little off to me. The line 4 and 20 corrections may not be necessary if you intended to break up the rhythm that much and that abruptly, but I thought I would point them out in case that wasn't your intention. Either way, it works as long as it keeps with the message you want to send.
Over all, the poem was fantastic. The little details I pointed out are all just personal style preferences and really depend on what message you want to send with your poem. I look forward to reading your next poem.
Hi there
I really like this.
I love the story. The opening line draws me in completely. And I like how it is a bit of a mystery. What girl is she actually?
Your structure and flow is also great. I love your use of well set out stanza and the solid ryhum.
So good job.