Published September 30, 2009
boom-boom boom-boom
Your heartbeat
boom-boom boom-boom
Is constant
boom-boom boom-ba-boom
my heartbeat
ba-boom-boom ba-boom-boom
will falter
boom-boom boom-boom
Your heartbeat
boom-boom boom-boom
will live
ba-boom ba-ba
my heartbeat
ba... ba...
does not.
Points:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
140,766 Literary Works • 673,687 Reviews
Hmm, well I can't say this is quite my style of poem, but it is indeed interesting. I do, however, like the lines that are in between the boom-boom lines. Those heartbeat lines make the poem seem rather repetitive though.
Yeah, reminds me of that Black Eyed Peas song...but nevertheless, this is interesting work.
Too much onomatopoeia (sp?). I liked the impact of it but if you could explain because what it seemed like was someone comparing their heartbeat then dying. It was in general a good poem though. If you made it a little longer and didnt make the heart beat part capatalized it would make it better. The capatalization was distracting.
Hi there FlyerS
Kamas here to review:
As smorg said it immediately reminded me of Boom Boom Pow by the Black Eyed Peas. But beside that,
I really enjoyed the way you represented the heartbeats and how the heartbeat represents what you were saying.
I suggest instead of using caps I would try something like Bold or Italics
They have the same effect you are trying to get without harassing the eyes.
Also punctuation should be used in this poem. But I see none! In general ry:
If you continue you this through all the stanzas, you will have a lovely and quite original poem.
Great Job!
Kamas
I thought this was a Black Eyed Peas song...
Credit for being original, I thought about this and a bit, and I liked it a little afterwords. What I think does the most disservice to the poem is the way you've set it up. I didn't like the ABAB format of these stanzas, I'd rather they went ABBA:
BOOM-boom BOOM-boom
Your heartbeat
Is constant
BOOM-boom BOOM-boom
Except after putting that down, I didn't really still like it. So I think you're probably going to have either;
1) Cut one Boom Boom Pow per stanza and make it go: Your heartbeat/is constant/BOOM-boom BOOM-boom
2) OR, (and this intrigues me) make the Boom Boom Pows more intertwined with the language of the poem. How would that work? Not entirely sure, but it sure would be interesting.
Your heartbeat
BOOM-boom BOOM-boom
BOOM-boom BOOM-boom
Speaks to mine
BOOM-ba-boom BOOM-ba-boom
I dunno. I once wrote a play based on Samuel Beckett's style in which the characters spoke in music and dance moves. Onomonopia as a language could be explored more fully and actually made good, I guess.
It's interesting, it's not good, but it's interesting.
Hi FLyerS,
Too much onomatopoeia. For the first and third stanzas especially, there's no need for the "BOOM-boom BOOM-boom" as we already understand that the heartbeat is strong. You don't need to waste half of those sections repeating that to us while you basically tell the reader that with the statements after. Likewise, the second and fourth stanzas are more or less useless because you repeat yourself. I realize that you want to heighten the poetic catharsis with the raw sounds of the heart beating, and it works in the beginning; however, by the time the poem ends, the reader is weary of this same old formula of booming and telling. There's no description beyond that, no imagery. That needs to be changed at once before anything else. Falling into a rut is usually not a good thing and this poem is an example of what can go wrong if a writer does.
In general, the piece works if this was a part of another poem or one written to a close acquaintance who can delve into it with unspoken words and experiences. For the ordinary reader of poetry, though, it does nothing and will not be remembered.
Hope that helped,
Galerius