Clarity Pyramid
HATE
Loathing
abhorrence
Breathing hard, fists clenched
I bare my teeth at them
daring them to come forward.
"End discrimination. Hate all"
Etheree
Sweet
scent of
expensive
perfume makes me
wish for things I had
but can't have anymore.
Now I have my family
to buy food, shoes, and clothing for
Should have waited 'till after college
to get married and have my two children.
lento
I have a secret to tell
My name isn't Alice.
Lies have gotten me to
rely on my Ivory palace
Who are you to question?
True, my methods are corrupt
Who'd a thunk my lies have
Grew to so disrupt?
Monchielle
Who'd a thunk that I would
Fall so far in love and
leave my fears behind me
Be so readily kissed
This change I didn't see
Who'd a thunk that I would
Come far enough to know:
People are kind-hearted,
I am a nice person,
True love won't be parted.
Who'd a thunk that I would
Be wonder-struck by stars
Think angels do exist
Believe in fairy things
By lover's lips be kissed
Who'd a thunk that I would
Have my first chance at love
At my stupid high school.
I thought I'd not find it.
Good lord was I a fool.
Naani
Quiet days
Swimming in the mill-pond
Floating near the turtles
And the gentle lily pads
Rondeau
Who can know what is in your heart?
Everyone else is a world apart
Whoever can say what you know there?
Whatever it is, I bet it's rare.
I hope my wisdom I will impart
So if you leave, get a fresher start
I bet you are really very smart
Or perhaps gorgeousness is your flair
Who can know?
Are you good at culinary art?
Perhaps you are good at martial arts
In stocks and bonds do you never err
you might make everyone stop and stare
Or give Kara Goucher a head start.
Who can know?
Senryu
She walks gracefully,
Gently, carefully, so as
not to break my heart
Triolet
I've got a sweet secret to tell
Do you know how much I love you?
My heart just continues to swell
I've got a sweet secret to tell
I'll love you till my own death Knell
I'll walk till I am through my shoe
I've got a sweet secret to tell
Do you know how much I love you?
Ghazal
I am not scared of my own death
Come, angel of Death
Your floating void will now be filled
darkness in my death
I can smile even in the rain
even when greeting my death
I can even carry on
with someone else's death
I am Flying, Flying, Falling
To my untimely death
Monody
Sometimes, if I listen closely,
I can still hear her.
She speaks to me softly
not more than a whisper.
The gentle moss in the forest
masks the darkness once revealed
The lonesome stones that sit there
Have made her soul to yield
She was once a wind-creature
Light and drifting on the breeze
Her soul destroyed by fire,
Earth crushes her with ease.
Rondel
The moon is a better lover
Than the one I've got
But that's not saying a lot
I wish I had another
For me there is no other
You see I'm in a spot
The moon is a better lover
than the one I've got
The sun is the moon's Brother
He is really Hot
He burns my soul a lot
And he tends to smother
The moon is a better lover
All poems are in very specific form as required by my teacher.
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Canary word: Present
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125,021 Literary Works • 672,738 Reviews
Clarity Pyramid - Struck me as very vague, non-specific, and uninteresting.
Etheree - You're missing a period after "for" which really tripped me up. Also, this struck me as too anvilicious and preachy due to the last two lines. If you'd treated the subject with a bit more subtlety, you could have gotten a more effective sense of wistfulness and regret.
lento - The first thing that struck me about this was that the rhyme scheme felt forced. Some of the lines don't make sense (what is an "Ivory palace"?), and your tense in the last stanza is inconsistent. Your punctuation is also lacking. There's also no clear connection between the first and second stanza, and you introduce multiple ideas that you don't follow through on.
Monchielle - The inconsistent punctuation in this poem really irritated me, especially as there was no clear flow of words or ideas in the first stanza. Again, the rhyme scheme felt forced. It didn't help that the line lengths were inconsistent, either. The last two lines came completely out of nowhere, idea-wise. You're talking about fairies and such, then suddenly high school and being a fool. There's no real lead up to either of these ideas.
Naani - A short simple poem. Nothing special, but nothing terrible, either. I actually liked reading this one.
Rondeau - I didn't much like the structure of this idea-wise. You jumped around with ideas too much, and there was no clear pattern to the jumping. In addition, the rhyme was very forced in places.
Senryu - Another short, simple poem. I think you could have used more vivid imagery rather than rely on adverbs, though. A characteristic of haiku is their vivid imagery, made all the more poignant by the brevity of the form.
Triolet - This was an interesting form, and I liked the repetition, however, some of the lines did not make sense/were left hanging.
Ghazal - The repetition of "death" was really irritating after the second stanza. The line lengths were also inconsistent, which disrupted the flow. In addition, the imagery was so vague as to be nonexistent that this read as boring and cliche.
Monody - The one issue I had with this poem was the inconsistent punctuation. Otherwise, aside from the first line of the last stanza being off by a syllable, this was a nice and simple poem. You have some decent imagery here, especially the last line, though some imagery, such as the darkness revealed, is a bit common, verging on cliche. For the most part though, this poem was an easy, pleasing read.
Rondel - The "He is really Hot" line just made me laugh, and not in the good way. It just struck me as childish and completely out of place. Basically, even though this poem is talking about lovers, it struck me as childish and over-simplistic.
Overall - You consistently have issues with idea jumping. Rather than stick to one main idea and enhancing it with related ones, you pull ideas and images from all over the place. This results in a muddled mess of a poem. In addition, another reoccurring issue is your inconsistent punctuation. You sometimes use some pieces of punctuation, and sometimes others, often in the same poem. Punctuation exists to make writing clearer. Not using it, or using it inconsistently, only causes confusion.
One last issue I'd like to bring up is flow. A lot of your poems do not flow well. I suggest that you read them aloud -- it's a good and easy way to catch if something does not sound right.
I found this poem very strong and powerful. It was an epic read.
Oh! I read through it, and I realized that every line has one more syllable! That is extremely cool! (This is probably my favorite one)
I always enjoy a nice poem with a rhyme scheme.
This poem was really good. Again, the narrator is very strong. I really liked how each stanza start with the same line. I love poems like that too.
Again, I like stub poems! (I'm a very easily-pleased reader) It's a very peaceful poem. I love the simple imagery with the turtles and lily pads!
I love the whole repetition of "Who can know?" It sounds mysterious.
It's so short and sweet! I love the imagery and sweetness of the whole thing!
Whoo! Almost finished! Sorry for my lengthy comment.
It's so sweet and rhymey! (I do love a good rhyme)
Okay, you may think I am a little demented in the head or something, but I like reading things about death. It's just a really interesting fact of life that no one can escape. Anyway, it's a sort of dark yet happy poem, you know what I mean? The red part is really cool. Epic-ness!
I love the reference to the elements. The natural elements interest me too. I love this poem too. It's pretty cool.
This one is a bit mysterious yet lovely. It has a loving characteristic to it, and I like it!
Overall, I really enjoyed reading them all. You have real talent. Keep it up! I think you could be a famous poet one day, and children would be studying and analyzing your poetry!
-Emily