The Girl In The Clearing

Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),

Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!

First Impression: Hmm...well this one is quite a short one...but...it surprisingly manages to get across quite a bit in the small time...hmmm....well more details on that down below.

Anyway let's get right to it,

She steadily approached the clearing and hesitantly shuffled toward the place where the spindly overgrown weeds and the dark shadows are cast from the long finger like trees, and the purest white beams of sunlight are projected through the gaps in the canopy above, meeting somewhere in between, creating a jagged line between the dark and light like the line creating purgatory between heaven and hell, a neutral boundary. She stood still, her heart beating in her ears and her quick breaths making her chest rise and fall whilst she contemplated what to do next.

Thoughts quickly turned into actions and she took a deep breath, scrunched her eyes closed and ran out a few feet into the clearing, her feet bouncing on the spongy forest floor of weeds and withered plants. She gasped out of anticipation then to be followed by further silence, broken only by a small sigh escaping her fair pink lips. Glancing down at the ground surrounding her feet, she saw a tired looking flower. She bent down slowly, cautiously brushing her pale fingertips over the stiff petals and down the stalk allowing a veil of a translucent lilac substance to engulf the plant. As if a breath of life had been injected into the flower, it promptly rose to appear as if it were newly bloomed. It was at this moment that she came to notice the steady lilac mist also surrounding her feet, consuming every living thing in her presence in a nurturing embrace. She let out a sharp whimper as she realised what had become of her.

This is something great. I like how the character has no name or identity for the reader to associate with except with the scenery and the emotion put into it. The ending I simply felt fitted here. This was so short. It doesn't need to be longer. Vague is another way of describing this, but overall I was fascinated. The environment and the way you wrote just works in fine. Your character and her reactions fit in. It's edited well, and not over descriptive. It's purely unique! The ending with the flower makes it stand out of the rest of the entire story and it's vagueness. Overall, I like it and will probably read your other works.

Very nice writing! Very nice detail and description when it comes to the surroundings and the like. I enjoyed the metaphors and similes you gently inserted as well, this adds a sense of intelligence to any type of writing.
I will say however, that your first paragraph consists of only two sentences, and while these sentences are are well done, it takes away some of the emotion you are trying to convey. Instead, it sound somewhat like you are rambling. It is a common mistake that many writers make when creating something they fell passionate about, myself included.
To contradict that, the way you add subtle clues throughout the second paragraph gives the reader ideas of what might happen next. Very good on you there.
Overall, a very nice piece of writing, and I'm anxious for more.

Oh, creepy. This was quite an interesting little escapade, getting a happy 7/10 on the fiendscale, but there seem to me to be a couple of minute glitches.
Firstly I think the sentences are too long, and I kinda get lost in the middle. I realize this ultimately is my own fault (I'm re reading Robinson Crusoe and that has about 2 sentences to a paragraph) but splitting the sentences would make it easier for most people to read.
Secondly I think you could do more with the beginning. Personally were I writing this I would simply build the scene up, first describing a minute detail, like a cloud or a particular tree, and then zoom out to describe the whole situation. This would also allow you to describe the narrator, my knowledge of whom is greatly lacking.
I sincerely hope this review is of some help to both you and team green.
Yours in reviewing,
The Fiend.

Wow, your writing has very stunning imagery. The contrast in the first paragraph sets up your purgatory comparison well. One suggestion, break up that first sentence. It's a beautiful one, but it's pretty long. If you want to keep that first sentence as it is, I would suggest following it with a short, simple sentences.

You vary the rest of your sentences well. Now I'm just nitpicking, but you use "as if" twice in the sentence "As if a breath of life had been injected into the flower, it promptly rose to appear as if it were newly bloomed." Try not to use one fragment like that close to each other.

I have so many questions left as well. Because you describe your character's minute changes in breath and behavior, I can tell something is going on! And I want to know more about why she is feeling anticipation? And what is the lilac mist? I would highly suggest expanding this into a full short story. You already have a great beginning, and that's the hardest part!

Very mysterious. There is a lot of things that can be expanded on further on in a story. Your grammar is really good, using lots of different starter words. Your description on what this girl is doing is superb. Although this has only just been created you could included more about where she is, what she's doing before she approached the clearing. I would check the punctuation in the two paragraphs as there is a couple of long sentences. However, this is very good and I hope you can continue as this sound very good and intriguing.
Foxtail x

What else can I say besides the fact that this is beautiful. I'm not someone who reads a lot of fantasy works, but I do love the enigmatic realm of possibilities when it comes to fantasy. There is absolutely no limit on what you can do. The heroine reminds me of a woodland seeking to understand who she is and the essence of life in the world she lives in from the smallest perspective. You are very talented. Please continue writing!

I hope you decide to continue with this story and others!

You present a very interesting idea of a story in these two paragraphs. I do have suggestions, though, to make this story better, if you want to. I'm mostly suggesting revisions to your descriptions in the story. If you don't want to change anything, that's okay! Please don't be discouraged by the length of this critique! Your idea has potential!

First of all, the plot line of your story is a little vague. Throughout the whole story, I wondered exactly what was going on. Your sequence of events is unclear and your descriptions are somewhat vague. I'm not sure what's happening here. The first thing I would suggest to remedy that is give the reader a better idea of the setting. The story opens with a girl shuffling towards a clearing.

Who is the girl? What does she look like? What does she want? Is she magical? Does she know if she's magical? Does she know magic exists? Is she a demigod, a daughter of Demeter or something?

Where is she? What kind of place is this clearing in? Is it a dark, gloomy forest? Is it a well-kept wood where kings hunt? Is it a place of fairies?

Why is she here? Is she looking for something (or someone)? Is she trying to find time alone? Why does she decide to go into the clearing? Why does she think the clearing is strange, or that she has to go in? What is it that makes her heart beat faster and makes her take quick breaths to calm herself?

I think that a better description of the setting of the story--who she is, why she's here, and why "here" is significant--would clear up some of the reader's confusion.

Secondly, the second paragraph is also unclear. You say, "thoughts turned quickly into actions." What thoughts? What is she thinking? Why is she thinking that? And what action does she think she has to do? (If you want to create suspense by describing her feelings about the place and her motivations, without saying exactly what she plans to do, that's fine, but a better idea of what she's going through would help the story.) Maybe if you described the events more slowly, taking more time to state exactly what she was doing, how she was doing, why she was doing it, and what she feels like, the plot would be clearer to the reader.

Why does the girl/woman "gasp out of anticipation"? (I think writing, "she gasped in anticipation" would make more grammatical sense.) What does she anticipate?

When she bends down to touch the plant, the reader is a little confused. Why does she touch the plant? Why did the plant come to life again? What is the lilac mist? Why is it there? And what has become of her? Your descriptions are a little hurried and vague, leading the reader to wonder what is happening. A more direct explanation of the story and circumstances would help.

I also have some suggestions about the grammar and the flow of your writing. Your first paragraph is a big mouthful. I was left feeling breathless at the end. Your first sentence is a very long run-on sentence. It is a lot of description all at once, which doesn't flow well. Breaking up your description into smaller, clearer sentences would help fix that. A shorter first sentence would help interest the reader in your story, without exhausting them by handing them a pile of words all at once.

For example, your first sentence could be revised like this: "She steadily approached the clearing. Hesitantly, she began to shuffle toward the spindly, overgrown weeds, where dark shadows were cast from long, finger-like trees. The purest white beams of sunlight were projected..." And so on. Divide your sentence into more readable images. Sure, combine a few parts of your description, but don't go overboard with long one-sentence descriptions. It'll be easier to see the picture of what you're talking about that way.

Be careful to keep to the same tense throughout the story. Changing your present tense verbs to past tense would flow better for the reader and be more grammatically correct. For example, you write "she approached," "shuffled," "shadows are cast," "beams ... are projected," "creating a jagged line," "she stood," and "she contemplated"--all in the same paragraph. For clarity and smoothness, make sure the verb tenses in your sentences all match. In the second paragraph, "then to be followed by further silence" is not a good construction of the verb "followed." Actually, the whole second sentence is a bit awkward to read because of the verbs.

There are some other commas and things missing in the rest of the story, but I won't pick them out specifically. Reread your story and as yourself, "How can I make this clearer?" Try to use more active and concrete verbs, strong verbs. Try not to begin sentences with "it" or "this." For example, "It was at this moment that she came to notice..." Actually, trying not to use "it" or "this" at all is a good idea. Those kinds of words are weak (I use them too much, too, and I have to catch myself).

As for verbs that could be revised, notice things like: "thoughts quickly turned into actions," "it promptly rose to appear," and "she came to notice." Think of ways to make those sentences stronger, for example, "she noticed" instead of "came to notice."

All in all, your story is very intriguing! I like the idea here. If you decide to revise your story, you could make it a whole lot stronger. I would look forward to reading a revision of this story.