"But..you said you'll come back right?" I could feel Eliza's heart pound. "You promised us, right?"
Nervously, my eyes darted, up to the oak trees soaring impossibly high, and the mountain tops that kissed the rosy skies. "I did. But I must go, Eliza. I promise you, I'll return." Ha, hilarious, my brain mocked me. In the serene aura of our small village of Topi, I could feel her shiver as the cool mountain winds penetrated deep through her clothes. Winter's here.
Wrapping the Fukshi around her wrist, I winced, the final knot being the last time I'd ever hold her hand.
"Love, my destiny is already written. I belong not here, but out there; in the land of blood and thirst. But I have opened for you the door to all your dreams."
"But lala, why look for doors when the walls are merely an illusion! That's what Rumi taught us! Stay back, and learn more. Rise above the clouds."
I winced. I knew the pleading voices of her heart, ever so well. And I thought about it again; maybe she was right. Maybe I could stay..Maybe-
"Lala!" I saw Eliza's eyes widen with fright. And then all I could see was dark and her illuminated body ;an arrow piercing through her chest , flinging out in the open.
In that split of a second, I knew my life would change forever.
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125,024 Literary Works • 672,762 Reviews
Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),
Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!
Anyway let's get right to it,
Alright, not entirely sure what the message this first couple of lines of dialogue are trying to convey here, one hand it looks like someone is about to leave and the other person is quite sad about it. And the one who is about to leave promises to come back but the other person dimisses that somehow, its a tiny bit weird in that sense here.
Okay, that took a very poetic turn from the place that it was in at the first couple of lines of dialogue, now it looks like someone about to leave cause of their destiny, and yeah, things are going in a couple of different directions here right from the start and I am wondering how exactly the reader is meant to be reacting to this.
Alright, well, I think perhaps this is a POV issue cause I seem to be having a bit of trouble figuring out which person in this situation is the "I" in the story, not entirely sure if its just me or if its actually hard to point out but that's the reason things were a bit confusing. That aside, now it appears this person that's about to leave is perhaps about to have bit of a change in heart here after seeing the distress of the other, and that does make you quite interested to see what the relationship between these two may be like, cause they do appear to be quite close here.
Well that was certainly not the sort of ending I was expecting with one of them ended up getting killed if the arrow through the chest is any indicator of that...well, now that's a pretty powerful cause you certainly do get the feeling these two are rather close and one that is not dead does state that their life is about to change forever. All in all, a pretty interesting teaser here, it seems like something that I would in fact read here.
Aaaaand that's it for this one.
As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.
Stay Safe
Harry
Hey! I'm Sarah and I'm here to reveiw!
First, this is a very intereting idea. I like how you made the story linked with the globe and the main character is very strong. I like his voice, it's as if it's completley determined but at the same time, confused. Very awesome!
However, as I was reading this, I had to read it a few times too completley understand. I think it's because of the lack of description there was in this as well as the way it was presented. Maybe try adding some descriptions of his surroundings and what hears.
Also, there was some grammar problems with this. Here's a few:
"Nervously, my eyes darted...up to the oak trees soaring impossibly high, and the mountain tops that kissed the rosy skies."
I like the descriptions in this however I think that with the three dots, (...), in the middle of the sentence is making it look untidy.
""But..you said you'll come back right?" I could feel Eliza's heart pound. "You promised us, right?""
I think there should be a comma after pound.
""Love, my destiny is already written. I belong not here, but out there; in the land of blood and thirst. But I have opened for you the door to all your dreams." "But lala, why look for doors when the walls are merely an illusion! That's what Rumi taught us! Stay back, and learn more. Rise above the clouds.""
I think you should separate the speakers on a separate line here. If not that then cut out the speech marks after but.
"And I thought again...Maybe she was right. Maybe I could stay..Maybe-"
I think it should be "And I thought about it again..." It sounds better, you know.
And that's it from me. I love the idea, but I think you could polish it up a little.
Please don't be offended about this. I'm just trying to help.
See you later!
Hello Sarah
I feel honoured that you are reviewing my work.
And no, why would I feel offended? I'm so glad you're analyzing my work. You should analyze all my work , actually
I'll put the editions in.
Thanks!
You're very welcome! \(^O^)/
Hey ^^
To end this, all that i have to say is that I hate you for that cliff hanger at the end =.= how you could you just do that :p Hope i'll be reading the next part soon then ^^.
I like the global idea but i must admit i had to reread this several times to understand it well. First of all i would recommend you skip a line each time someone knew starts talking it will make it easier to read.
Its also quite difficult to understand how many characters are present. From what i was able to understand the main discussion is between Eliza and Lala but at the beginning you wrote "us" so i wasn't sure. Do you mean "us" like the rest of the people he's leaving behind? Maybe you could add a little more description of the characters present? I'm pretty curious what a Fukshi is, maybe you can feel me in?
I love the whole mystical feeling you give to the story, how he opens the doors of dreams and how you give an image of them actually being merely an illusion.
You get a pretty clear idea of your characters thoughts and feelings. Just can't wait to read the next part, you better post it soon
~aki~
Hmm, Alright thank you so much!
Haha, the thing is, it's a "teaser". I want to keep the readers guessing over most of everything in this part.
And I'll implement all these ideas in my story! Thankyou so much for reviewing
hehe no probs