Published January 16, 2006
Okay it's short. Very short. But please crit anyway. I will elaborate on it at some stage. * biggest puppy eyes*
She smiled. A fleeting memory had crossed the netherregions of her mind; and she had allowed herself to smile a minute little grin, which lit up her eyes and transformed her usually solemn face.
Will stared. She had never seemed so beautiful; so alive. She struggled daily to hide her emotions. Why? This question had puzzled Will for an age, until he finally realised that by hiding her happiness, the little daily joys that we all experience, she was trying to escape from the sadness and “bad things” in her life. She was searching for a safe, uncomplicated life.
And yet in this fleeting moment she had revealed her true self: a soul so innocent that it believed that it could pass through life unscathed by the trials which we all,one day, must face. Will was mesmerised. And then the smile disappeared, as quick as it had come , remaining only as a fleeting memory in his mind.
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139,593 Literary Works • 672,612 Reviews
Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),
Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!
Anyway let's get right to it,
Well this is an intriguing start here. Its not very often that you see a piece so laser focused on such a simple task but given how short this happens to be as well, I think on this one particular occasion it certainly does work out in this piece's favor and I think on the whole you've done quite a bit of justice to this opening paragraph, it certainly does a good job of getting your attention with the kind of tone you aim for there.
Okay...that's quite the picture you're trying to paint here. I do love how far you're analyzing this smile and linking it to this person's emotions and very character. It really engages us as the readers and adds an extra element to this where you wonder what brought this person to a point like this.
Well this is some ending here. I don't know whether this is meant to be sad or happy or potentially something more like bittersweet.. The fact that you can create something this complex out of just a smile though is quite the feat. Overall, a very solid piece this one.
Aaaaand that's it for this one.
As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.
Stay Safe
Harry
This is a very sweet start! i liked it a lot
its alright if its short because it was still good
Okay going to fix all those things now...
Thanks emotionless it does help.
Thanks Sam. That's reassuring
This would be a totally awesome beginning to a story...
'A fleeting memory had crossed the netherregions of her mind'
YAY!!! I absolutely love that word...I must use it...
'a soul so innocent that it believed that it could pass through life unscathed by the trials which we all,one day, must face.'
That was most assuredly quoteworthy. Pack in some more lines like that in future additions to this and you'll have a knock-you-dead story...
Again, woah. It's short, but good.
First, work on adding punctuations/separating sentences so that the story is able to be read more easily. Examples:
A fleeting memory had crossed the netherregions of her mind; she had allowed herself to smile a minute grin, which lit up her eyes and transformed her usually solemn face.
-
She had never seemed so beautiful, so alive.
-
And yet, in this fleeting moment, she had revealed her true self: [*not to sure about this one, but I'm pretty sure you don't use a semicolon here*] a soul so innocent that it believed that it could pass through life unscathed by the trials which, one day, we all must face.
Second, eliminate/change repetitive words.
she had allowed herself to smile a minute little grin
Not only do 'minute' and 'little' mean the same thing, but saying 'to smile a grin' sounds weird.
-
A fleeting memory
And yet in this fleeting moment
remaining only as a fleeting memory in his mind.
'Fleeting' is a nice word to use. However, you overuse it, making its impact less strong. You don't have to take all of them out, but I would suggest changing at least one of them.
Third, don't just throw the reader ideas.
She struggled daily to hide her emotions. Why? This question had puzzled Will for an age until he finally realised that by hiding her happiness, the little daily joys that we all experience, she was trying to escape from the sadness and “bad things” in her life.
For one thing, the reader has just been introduced to two characters, and already, the 'answer to the puzzle' has been stated. Explain the background a little, maybe how Will discovered this. Why he discovered it.
And then the smile disappeared, as quick as it had come , remaining only as a fleeting memory in his mind.
This isn't a very satisfactory ending. The characters and the scene, just introduced, are already finished. I think you should fill some details in between about this girl and her physical appearance. This is, after all, about her face and her smile. You should emphasize more about how she looks, since Will obviously seemed stunned by it.
You can continue if you want, but you should definitely expand first. Adding things into this will make it much more interesting to read and will help develop the story. Hope this helps.