Published March 19, 2008
This is rough of my new idea novel prologue of' Dark Children'
feed back appreciated.
Dark Children
Prologue
Oh I’ll tell you a tale; oh I’ll tell you a tale. I’ll tell you a tale that will rock your world, change it, stain it. Oh this is tale that will smear you with scarlet red, drown you in sorrow and misery. I’ll tale you a tale that will leave you cowering under your blanket. Oh suffer you will. I’ll tell you a tale. One that you won’t forget. One that you can’t forget. Oh I’ll tell you a tale…
The scream cut the night air like a knife through butter. The world was stained, the light sank, the darkness rose
The rules have turned, today is our day. We rule the night.
The wind cracked the silent night, tearing at the tree leaves. The roads were quiet and empty, and the alleyways free of junkies. The streets were gang free, this was unusual. The only sign of life was the lonely man, who was rubbing his hands together-keeping them warm as the blistering wind struck them time and time again. Homeless and poor this single innocent man was nearing his end. His ragged and ripped clothes struggled against the merciless wind, and his bare feet freezing on top of the cobbled path. Then the silence came. The thundering wind came to a sharp halt; the moon withdrew into the clouds and even the stars - everything was just gone - dead to the night. The stranger's dark eyes froze and his hands clasped tight. All he could to was listen intently and try to figure out what is happening but his brain was gone, nerve system vanished. It was just him and his ears. And it wasn’t long before the only working part of his body picked up the rhythmic sound of them, the darkness. “Oh I’ll tell you a tale; oh I’ll tell you a tale. I’ll tell you a tale that will rock your world, change it, stain it. Oh this is tale that will smear you with scarlet red, drown you in sorrow and misery…And that was the last he ever heard, he was gone just like the rest. Hear that rythmic song and that was it. There was nothing you could do. And there was nobody to tell the tale. No witnesses, there never was. It was just them...
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139,268 Literary Works • 672,523 Reviews
Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),
Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!
Anyway let's get right to it,
Well that is a very eerie very echoey sort of start right there. It certainly chills you right away there and I think you do a very good job of creating a very creepy atmosphere right off the bat. It mixes well with that title that you have going on there to really make for quite the spooky effect and the whole thing ends up being very effective at getting your attention here.
Hmm well for this particular paragraph I feel like you've lumped together one too many thing there for it to be fully effective. I think this would be a bit more powerful it was a situation where you split this into two parts at that song like section at the very least if not maybe three parts to really ease up on the flow here.
Besides that slight issue with the paragraphs though you've done a really good job here with constructing quite a powerful piece there. I think it does a wonderful job in terms of really bringing this earlier bit to life through that little touch of action and on the whole it comes together very nicely to create quite a scary and intriguing start to proceedings here. It certainly makes you want to find out more.
Aaaaand that's it for this one.
As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.
Stay Safe
Harry
Yeah I agree it'll make a great book I just want to know more. Did the stars seriously vanish or was it all in the guys head. I love this prologue, i hope it develops int a great book. Ill keep my eye out for it.
Really nice, good buildup of tension !
I like how you repeat the "telling a tale" part, the repetition adds to the eerie mood
It sounds like it'll be a good story!
OKay, I remember reading this before and I noticed you added more to it, which I hoped you would.
lol
All I have to say is this was really eerie. It gave me goosebumps, just thinking about the song and how this old guy was snatched away into the darkness of night.
Very Creepy!
Anyway, the only thing I can think of to change is that in the beginning, I feel as thought you are being really repetitive with your song. I know that's the point, to drill it into people's minds but I still feel as though you could put some extra detail in there to give it that extra edge.
Hopefully this all made sense!
I liked the dark beginning. And it's a good start for a plot. But who is the MC? I know we're with an old man now. But there should be more. Who is the MC? We don't know, and I feel like I was hanging over the abyss as I was reading, because I had no one to cling to when I was experiencing the story.
It's a very mysterious and interesting start.
I'd love to read the first chapter, and I'll be on the lookout for it.
Yours truly,
Memento Mori
That was great! I agree with GryphonFledging though, I think you could have made that last paragraph into several paragraphs. It would have been a little easier to read that way.
Anyway... This was really good! I hope I get to see more of it!
Interesting beginning. However, it was a little hard to read because of most of it being bunched together into a gigantic lump of words. Is that all supposed to be one paragraph? I don't so much like the italics in the middle. They really feel like they should be in their own paragraph.
Anyway, nice bit of writing. Maybe you could expand on the threat a little. What exactly is this thing that stalks the night? Is it singing? Ambiance music? Hmmm?
*thumbs up*
Nice stuff.
~GryphonFledgling
Might want to say "This is a tale..."
A very spooky beginning, though.
I think it's great, but I would like to be introduced to the main character, maybe? The main character could be watching, or could have something to do with the prolouge so that when the main character is officially brought into the story in Chapter 1, then it doesn't seem like the prologue is detached from the story.