He and I share everything
from glass jars filled with hopes
written on torn paper edges
to the last slice of pizza
on rainy Friday nights.
We even share our skins
as we press our hands, our
hips and shoulders closer,
ever closer together
until we forget where one body
ends, and the other begins.
He and I speak a language
of poetry and pillow talk,
intertwining metaphors with
body parts. Our elbows,
the folds of our eyelids,
the curves of our backs
are etched with the epics
we whisper to each other.
I wear his smile like a sweater
while he puts on my knit brow,
stitched together by speech patterns.
He borrows my idioms and I
borrow the warmth of his arms;
we finish each others’ sentences but
unravel when our fingertips touch.
And I have to wonder –-
if my heart was carved out
would his name be written on it?
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
125,018 Literary Works • 672,857 Reviews
(I don't think you need a comma after the first line, and I don't think you need to change "and" to "as.")
Okay, now that I've said that.
I love the imagery - I think this was a beautiful way to tell the story of a happy relationship, one without drama, without making it boring or cliched. That, I think, is a very difficult thing for people to do - people often want to write about happy relationships, but that makes for a boring story (since there is no conflict), and in poetry it tends to just be cliched - roses, eyes like limpid pools of whatever, etc. But you had a very original voice and a lot of great imagery - you mixed literal and traditional things - the literal sharing of pizza, and the wearing of the boyfriend's sweater (which you actually used as a metaphor for his smile, which I thought was very clever) - with more figurative things.
The only thing I can offer as any real improvement would be to break this into stanzas - it's a little difficult to keep a reader's attention if they have to read an entire poem with no breaks, and it can also place emphasis on different lines depending on where you put the breaks.
Hope this helped!
~Blue
P.S. I also loved the title.