Published July 27, 2009
Floating through the cosmos
Like paper dolls with wings.
Our hands are intertwined,
But we slowly slip away.
The space between our closed palms
Like the space between our hearts;
Do you remember paper dolls
And sparkles on our art?
But glitter becomes dim,
As rain turns us to dust.
Always so soft and flimsy
Like the paper dolls inside of us.
Wind carries us away,
Shedding feathers on the ground
With screams of dying love --
The thunder in our cloud.
Memories rock in your arms
While I no longer can.
Children haunt our rooms,
Grasping for your hand.
I'm reaching out to you
Across the endless shallows.
Our broken wings are crumbling,
Our paper dolls in gallows.
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140,662 Literary Works • 673,584 Reviews
Hey, Ellie! June here!
I meant to review this so much sooner, but never found the time, I guess! Here we go:
My first impression on this poem was that it's too tell-y. You have an imaginative idea here [that you can go places with] but [here comes the giant YWS peeve xD] show it, don't tell it. You're just telling us this story, and if you remove the line breaks and all it will sort of sound just like a story.
You need to change this, dear! Write the poem poetically-- make the difference between a poem and a story obvious, but tell us a story with you poem.
Also! You have all of this cool imagery, all of these cool comparisons, but what you're showing us is just not clear at all. Grab all of these loose ends and tie them in, Ellie.
Rhythm and Rhyme: Destroy it. That should never be your priority when writing poetry, unless you want to write a poem for rhyme that means little! They're restricting you here-- though I can't make out a solid scheme of either. Break from it, Ellie, because it's holding you back, dear.
I think it's good, but I find it a bit stiff. You're not expressing yourself well enough-- if this is about you and your mother, show us this. Make it a little more obvious, because on a first read, dear, I'd guess this is about a friend to a friend rather than daughter to mother.
Keep up the nice work, dear!
June
Hiya, Pen! =D
I'm a sucker for contrast and such things, so I obviously love the parallel between intertwined hands and slipping away. Things like this give much more depth to... things. xD The one thing that disturbed me in this was that it was the only stanza that didn't have even a hint of a rhyme. It was pretty on the inside, though.
While I read this poem, I noticed you had there quite a lot of signs of a comparison – I'm, of course, talking about the word "like." Nothing wrong with that, but when you focus on it, it stands out. (Surprisingly?) Anyway, you could try just a simple metaphor some time and replace the "like" with "is" or something a little less blank, maybe? Heh. It might bring some new horizons to your work, and sometimes not choosing to do a comparison – which gets a little cheap if used too much – can be a good solution.
I really like the second line. It's beautiful and creates a clear picture in my mind.
Also, you surely know that the fourth line is too long considering the overall rhythm, so maybe you could just have "Like the paper dolls in us". It may not be as specific (does it need to, though?), but at least it stays true to the rhythm, heh. Or then you could think of a whole another image. I like the concept, though.
The feather aspect made me a slight doubletake. Where did they come from? Or maybe we can think they're pieces of the paper dolls? Though, if that's the case indeed, I don't know whether the "wind carries us away" thing will work as well. I'm know I'm being a little contradictory, because at the same time I want you to contrast and be surprising and unexpected, but also to make sense. Well, I certainly hope I'm making sense now. I just mean that keep on giving me unique images and metaphors and coming a bit behind the tree without being random and confusing. Haha. (I'm not saying you are random and confusing, don't get me wrong.)
(Yes, I do know I skipped a stanza. I just couldn't figure out anything sensible to say about it.
I find it a bit funny how you talk about the wings crumbling, while the rain was turning "us" into dust before – and all in all, I've been having a whole different feeling about the paper dolls throughout the poem, kind of like floaty and light and such. And after that the crumbling really seems out of place. The image and the meaning behind it is great, though, and I like it, but it just feels too different from the overall mood of the poem.
Overall, I do believe that every little tense change or something similar means something and makes a difference. I just advise you to really dig into the depths of your poem and what you want to say with it, then go carefully through the poem and consider if you could change something in it, or if the solutions you made in the first place are good and not replaceable. (Is that a word?)
In my opinion the poem was sweet and it made me feel peaceful. However, while it's good and decent, it's probably not going to stay in mind for much longer. Don't give up writing, though! (I know you won't!) =D
See you around (and hope this helped),
Demeter
xxx
Hey ....
I like your poem.
I have no criticism(honestly I don't know how to give it:P)
But yeah. ha. I think its really good.
xD Shina, thanks for the awesome review. They're not lovers.
This poem was about my mom and I, so it should be read differently than a romantic-poem-is-romantic poem. xD I can see where that could have confused you, however.
The major thing behind this poem was the first two lines just plopped into my head, and then I remembered making paper dolls with my mom.
I'll work on it, definitely. ^^ Again, thanks so much.
Okay, Pen! Shina here to do a review for you! I tried reviewing it the other day, but I was staring at it for quite a while and I decided to do it later. For harder pieces, I usually have to sit it out for a while. Like Galerius' piece. His was hard @_@ Kylan barely found anything and then I had to review it.
I didn't think I was qualified.
But anyways, onto the review:
I. Nitpicks
Okay, since I'm being the nit-pick police, exactly why do you use paper dolls as a comparison
for "floating through the cosmos"? I know, it's a pretty picture, but is there a particular reason?
Do the cosmos have some sort of symbollism? Is this poem really about the wings and flying, or about the paper doll simile?
And this is where it gets confusing.
First, their fingers are intertwined, but then you say that they "slowly slip away" and then "the space between their closed palms is like the space between [their hearts]"
Do you see the issue?
First, their together, then they slip away, and then you say that their hands are together and compare it to the space between their hearts.
The reader doesn't know how close their hearts are. It's hard to understand if they're lovers, or not. It would've made more spense if you didn't include the "slip away" part, because then we'd be sure they were lovers.
Also, "closed palms" didn't help with the image either. It made me think of clenched fists. You need a word that would mean their hands are connected.
And this is the other confusing part. First, you compare [yourselves] to paper dolls, and now you're asking if the other person remembers the paper dolls? And then you say "our"?
You need to be clear that [you] are the paper dolls,yes?
So it would have to be something that talks about the two of them, something like:
"Do you remember the way we flew,
And the sparkles on our art?"
Or something along the lines of that.
And I know no one else caught this
I didn't see it before, but then I realized they were sort of slant rhymes and that some of the wording was chosen based on this rhyme. Pros can see it xD (not that I'm a pro)
Choose meaning over rhyme, Pen. But I'm sure you knew that ^^
May I point it out again, paper dolls are used as metaphors also. [You] are the paper dolls, so remember that throughout the poem. Its the comparison and when you asked "do you remember the paper dolls", it makes the readers think the two of you used to play paper dolls or had memories of it, or something, not that the two of you actually were like paper dolls.
Inside? You said earlier that you were paper dolls. You need to be consistent with your comparisons and literary devices. And like I said, the rhyme scheme kind of took away the meaning of this poem for me.
"Always so soft and flimsy
Like the paper dolls we are."
You can change it to something better, but that was the best I could come up with as a replacement.
This is probably my favorite stanza ^^ The rhyme scheme is great and the meaning and the word choice.
However, when you use an EM dash, there is no space between the word, so :
"With screams of dying love--"
You see the problem here? The first line is passive and the second line is active, so when you move onto the second line it gets a bit confusing. Might I suggest:
"You rock memories in your arms
While I no longer can."
Easy fix, just change the first line to active.
So this is a glimpse of the future? Or are they in the future? The time period of their love is a bit fuzzy. It's present tense in some parts, but then you have flash backs and ask if the other remembered the paper doll time period. You need to be consistent, Pen. What tense? What time?
I think the second line needs another syllable.
II. Tenses
This was the main problem I saw. Your poem is in present tense, but sometimes the narrator asks about paper dolls as if it were the past. It keeps shifting and then they're are children and the reader doesn't know what time period of their love this is.
III. Literary Devices
The literary devices keep shifting, also. Paper dolls are the characters, then they're inside of them, and then they're in the gallows. Consistency, Ms. Pen, consistency.
IV. Moral
I'm not sure about the moral, or the story. They were happily together, and then things started falling apart. Why did it fall apart? I find the motivation in reading this poem tough because there doesn't seem to be a valid reason made in this poem as to why they were falling apart. It was all just imagery after that and literary devices.
VI. Overall
Overall, you had great imagery and comparisons and wording, however, in some cases, your rhyme scheme ate up the poem, and from reviewing poetry and writing poetry often, I can see that. It wasn't cliche, but the idea was just shifty. Stay consistent and it would be awesome, as the others said
They just didn't catch those errors
You're a really great poet, Pen. Keep it up!
-Shina
this is a very good inspiring piece. It was really good, I could imagine a tune that would work really well, and it realllycaught me.
OK seriously, you're poetry is really taking a toll on my self-esteem. Can't you make a mistake just once? Something other than just one line not being capitalized at the beginning?
And that's it! That's the only mistake I think I've ever found in you're work!
Anyway, great job again. This was an awesome poem as usual. I know this sounds bipolar, but seriously, keep writing 'cause you're amazing. Gold star!