Published October 1, 2011
I watched your face light up like
New York City when I came home
from wherever I used to be.
I used to be mine, all mine, until you
stole me away like a black-eyed bandit,
took me for keeps, no givesies-backsies.
But that didn’t matter so much because
at least I had your gift-wrapped smile
telling me that this is where I should stay.
Stay, you told me, tugging my arm,
fingers intertwined in the fabric of
my skin. So I did because the lights –
your lights – reminded me of who I was
before I wanted to be anything else.
Anything else would be boring, you said
as you triple-dog-dared me everyday
to live like I was alive, to forget
all my symptoms of this adulthood
disease called growing-up. But I,
I said, in a high-pitched whine, I said
I don’t want to! So you pinched me
and I finally stopped dreaming.
Dreaming was something that
we were good at, especially when
the sun was out. What are you thinking?
you’d ask and I’d stick my tongue out.
None of your business but I didn’t know
that someday it would be, like everything else
of mine that you’ve made yours.
Yours is something I want to be
as I watch your lights come on.
This, right here, is home, and where I
used to be… That’s just a memory.
Points:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
140,121 Literary Works • 673,028 Reviews
I really enjoyed this poem. I loved the whimsical way it is written and how you describe some really great images and feelings ("forget all my symptoms of this adulthood disease called growing-up", reminded me of who I was
before I wanted to be anything else", and " like everything else of mine that you’ve made yours"). Those were the lines that really stood out to me and made it more than 'just a love poem'. My only suggestion is to look over the third stanza, something about it didn't flow like the rest of your poem. Perhaps it's because it is shorter than the other middle stanzas. Keep writing, I love the voice!
Thank you both for your feedback. Ancientforever, yes that was meant to say "would be" and there was supposed to be a comma after "home." Thank you for catching those mistakes; guess I should have been more careful with my proof-reading, huh?
I do have to say that I like this poem. Despite the whimsical-sounding title, it carries something of a deserving message and I absolutely adore the words and the images and the power you used in this. I only have a couple of suggestions for edits. In the penultimate stanza, after "would" in the next-to-last line, there ought to be a verb ("would be", perhaps?). I have a feeling that you didn't mean to leave that out, it just kind of happened, like anything else could happen. In the last stanza, could you separate "home" from "and" in the second-last line, to give the two ideas more of a feeling of separation? Otherwise, the reader could be confused by the way that you phrased it; "home and where I used to be" looks like a description for "This, right here", not as two entirely different clauses. As such, "That's just a memory" would confuse a reader who interpreted the line before in the same way.
Remember, the goal isn't to make the reader struggle to piece together the words and then marvel at the ideas. Make things easy for your audience to understand your words, but make it harder for them to understand your true intentions. That's the way of poetry, is it not?
Overall, though, this is a wonderful poem. I like it. I like your words, your phrases, your images, your analogies, and everything else you included.
I really enjoyed this poem. It keep me reading, and wanting more at the end. However, there was one stanza that seemed a little awkward
I guess it just didn't flow correctly, which is something only the author can fix. Other than that I loved the figurative language you have. The rest of the poem had a nice flow. I hope to read more from you soon!