Splodey! Let me just start by saying, that is so sweet. Gold star. I definitely agree with Lily on the first stanza about the "refuse", but other than that, I loved it.
A/N: This is the first poem I've written in over a month, so I'm sorry it's rather, um, odd? Inspired greatly by the cute guy at Starbucks. 
Hello,
I’d like to know your name
Because I can’t be to blame
If you won’t wear a nametag.
Hello.
Did my hand just touch yours
As you handed me the change
That I forgot about?
Hello.
I thought that you should know
You’ve got the voice of an angel
And I like that song too.
Hello?
Yes, I’d like whipped cream,
Though I know I shouldn’t…
But that’ll be our secret.
Hello.
You know, I wanted to tell you
That you could be my soul mate;
Now I guess we’ll never know.
He-
What? No I don’t want to leave.
Couldn’t you have messed up my order?
Given me vanilla instead of caramel?
Hello.
Thank you for the coffee.
Yes, it’s my favorite.
I’ll be sure to let you know.
Hello.
I’ll just take a straw
And head for the door now…
(I might fall in love with you) Goodbye.
Splodey! Let me just start by saying, that is so sweet. Gold star. I definitely agree with Lily on the first stanza about the "refuse", but other than that, I loved it.
I love how you made a poem just by this one event! That shows talent in a poet! Or has this been multiple times? Heh heh heh...
Even though some of the lines didn't make sense, the overall structure of the poem was good. Now, I don't know much about poems, but this one didn't seem to have any particular rhyming pattern. I also like how you made it simple and cute sometimes, but in other times it was deep. All in all, very nice =)
I wouldn't use odd to describe it...but for lack of a better word.
The poem was interesting, it made me laugh a few times, just because of the words you used. Was like a short teen "romance" story stuffed into a few verses, and that kind of thing always makes me laugh a bit for some reason.
Not much more for me to say, sense most of the others got what I was thinking of "fixing" in it. So I'll leave you with a "good job!"
Wow! I love how this progresses - it's cute ^^
Let me know how it goes with Mr Starbucks!
Keep writing,
I like your style!
Pgsgirl x
Hi there! This was actually really good considering it wasn't written about some guy you saw in Starbucks for all of five minutes. Do you really like him that much?
Anyway, this was cute. Anything I would have pointed out was already said pretty much.
I’d like to know your name
Because I can’t be to blame
You’ve got the voice of an angel
And I like that song too.
Hi, Pen.
This was such a sweet evening read, and it made me feel happy inside. I really liked that little rhyme in the first stanza, and I personally believe that rhyming all the stanzas would fit this poem perfectly. I mean, this was cute and a little funny too, but it would make it even better if it rhymed. Or, optionally, make it flow as smoothly as possible. You'll find the slightly abrupt places easily when you re-read this poem. =)
Hello.
I thought that you should know
You’ve got the voice of an angel
And I like that song too.
Hey Slodester! So, lets start with the nitpicks!
I’d like to know your name
Because I can’t be to blame
If you won’t wear a nametag.
(I might fall in love with you) Goodbye.
That was really cute. I love how the story progressed. You know, it reminds me of another poem on the site called "Secret". I forget who it's by. But I thought that poem was the perfect length and everything.
Odd is one word I wouldn't use for this piece Expo, m'dear. I think it's very sweet and creative and familiar.
I love how you mix the little things, the trivial, frivolous things like her giddiness at touching his hand with the less likely, but deeper sentiments like "you could be my soul mate". I love how the setting is so commonplace. Who hasn't been to Starbucks, or somewhere similar? But it's still unique. Part of that is the style, which I loved: the Hello's, the conversational tone... it's great. =)
I really have very few and very small suggestions to make. You do have two ellipses; the second one you use in one of the few circumstances where I actually like the ellipses. But the first time I don't think is really necessary. It takes away from the matter-of-fact kind of tone; the honest "I shouldn't" and the confiding "it'll be our secret". Without it, it let's me imagine she imagined the conversation out ahead of time; the hesitancy seems too spontaneous for a second or third encounter. And yeah, I know I'm probably overthinking that; going too deep over such a trivial thing, but I can afford to spend more time on something that small when I have so little to suggest.
"You’ve got the voice of an angel
And I like that song too."
I'm not a huge fan of that first line here, but the second line negates that. The first sounds a little cheesy and overdone until the second line gets back to the fresher tone that this whole piece has.
You really did a lovely job with this, odd though you said it was. XD It's really sweet, and captures that picture, that classic girl-meets-boy scene, in a familiar setting, just perfectly.
Ah, but before I close, I caught one more thing. "Goodbye." It's perfect. And subtle. I didn't pick up on it until my 5'th or 6'th reading just now. Great job. =)
-Nam
120,203 Literary Works • 649,067 Reviews
Points: 1055
Reviews: 6
Donate