A/N: This is the first poem I've written in over a month, so I'm sorry it's rather, um, odd? Inspired greatly by the cute guy at Starbucks. 
Hello,
I’d like to know your name
Because I can’t be to blame
If you won’t wear a nametag.
Hello.
Did my hand just touch yours
As you handed me the change
That I forgot about?
Hello.
I thought that you should know
You’ve got the voice of an angel
And I like that song too.
Hello?
Yes, I’d like whipped cream,
Though I know I shouldn’t…
But that’ll be our secret.
Hello.
You know, I wanted to tell you
That you could be my soul mate;
Now I guess we’ll never know.
He-
What? No I don’t want to leave.
Couldn’t you have messed up my order?
Given me vanilla instead of caramel?
Hello.
Thank you for the coffee.
Yes, it’s my favorite.
I’ll be sure to let you know.
Hello.
I’ll just take a straw
And head for the door now…
(I might fall in love with you) Goodbye.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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Original Text:
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125,022 Literary Works • 672,753 Reviews
Splodey! Let me just start by saying, that is so sweet. Gold star. I definitely agree with Lily on the first stanza about the "refuse", but other than that, I loved it.
I love how you made a poem just by this one event! That shows talent in a poet! Or has this been multiple times? Heh heh heh...
Even though some of the lines didn't make sense, the overall structure of the poem was good. Now, I don't know much about poems, but this one didn't seem to have any particular rhyming pattern. I also like how you made it simple and cute sometimes, but in other times it was deep. All in all, very nice =)
This poem was kinda odd but it was good
I wouldn't use odd to describe it...but for lack of a better word.
The poem was interesting, it made me laugh a few times, just because of the words you used. Was like a short teen "romance" story stuffed into a few verses, and that kind of thing always makes me laugh a bit for some reason.
Not much more for me to say, sense most of the others got what I was thinking of "fixing" in it. So I'll leave you with a "good job!"
Nice, sweet, simple, cute. ha.
You make it interesting..good job.
Keep it up.
Wow! I love how this progresses - it's cute ^^
Let me know how it goes with Mr Starbucks!
Keep writing,
I like your style!
Pgsgirl x
Hi there! This was actually really good considering it wasn't written about some guy you saw in Starbucks for all of five minutes. Do you really like him that much?
Anyway, this was cute. Anything I would have pointed out was already said pretty much.
There technically isn't anything wrong with this, it just bugs me when a poem that doesn't rhyme starts out with a rhyme.
First line is too cliche (and yes, I am one to talk). But also, even though I know what you mean by "that song", I only know because you told me he was singing. I would make it clearer that he was singing, because you can think someone has an angelic voice even if they're not singing.
Anyway, this was cute, and was different enough from most romantic poems that me with my hatred of cliches didn't get bored. As usual, awesome job and I am envious of your poeticness (is that a word?).
Hi, Pen.
This was such a sweet evening read, and it made me feel happy inside. I really liked that little rhyme in the first stanza, and I personally believe that rhyming all the stanzas would fit this poem perfectly. I mean, this was cute and a little funny too, but it would make it even better if it rhymed. Or, optionally, make it flow as smoothly as possible. You'll find the slightly abrupt places easily when you re-read this poem. =)
I didn't get the song part. What song? Is it just a song he happens to mention randomly, or is the song playing in the cafe and he tells the girl he likes it? Either way, I think you need to clarify it. It stood out in quite a bad way when I read this for the first time, and I only got it after reading it a few times.
I don't have much more to say about this. I liked it, and it was a refreshing read. Thank you.
Demeter
x
Hey Slodester! So, lets start with the nitpicks!
Here, I would recommend a little rewording because to my ears, it doesn’t quite sound right. Just a few word changes kind of like this:
I’d like to know your name
But I’m not the one to blame
If you refuse to wear your nametag.
Of course it’s just my recommendation, but yeah. ^^
I’m going to be blunt and say that the first ellipses aren’t necessary. They seem pretty much unnecessary. I’m just not a big fan of the ellipses. They don’t have much of an effect for me for some reason.
I love this line because it contradicts itself so much and so beautifully contrasting the idea of love and leaving. Very beautiful ending.
All together this was awesome and it reminded me of this song I adore Taylor the Latte Boy. The Miss South Dakota Candidate last year (she lives in a town like 20 minutes from my school) sang it at our school. It was sorta funny. Hehe!
Anyway, good job!
~lilymoore
That was really cute. I love how the story progressed. You know, it reminds me of another poem on the site called "Secret". I forget who it's by. But I thought that poem was the perfect length and everything.
Odd is one word I wouldn't use for this piece Expo, m'dear. I think it's very sweet and creative and familiar.
I love how you mix the little things, the trivial, frivolous things like her giddiness at touching his hand with the less likely, but deeper sentiments like "you could be my soul mate". I love how the setting is so commonplace. Who hasn't been to Starbucks, or somewhere similar? But it's still unique. Part of that is the style, which I loved: the Hello's, the conversational tone... it's great. =)
I really have very few and very small suggestions to make. You do have two ellipses; the second one you use in one of the few circumstances where I actually like the ellipses. But the first time I don't think is really necessary. It takes away from the matter-of-fact kind of tone; the honest "I shouldn't" and the confiding "it'll be our secret". Without it, it let's me imagine she imagined the conversation out ahead of time; the hesitancy seems too spontaneous for a second or third encounter. And yeah, I know I'm probably overthinking that; going too deep over such a trivial thing, but I can afford to spend more time on something that small when I have so little to suggest.
"You’ve got the voice of an angel
And I like that song too."
I'm not a huge fan of that first line here, but the second line negates that. The first sounds a little cheesy and overdone until the second line gets back to the fresher tone that this whole piece has.
You really did a lovely job with this, odd though you said it was. XD It's really sweet, and captures that picture, that classic girl-meets-boy scene, in a familiar setting, just perfectly.
Ah, but before I close, I caught one more thing. "Goodbye." It's perfect. And subtle. I didn't pick up on it until my 5'th or 6'th reading just now. Great job. =)
-Nam