Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for violence.
The conveyer belt hummed as it dragged away Freddy’s fully assembled piston. He sighed as another heap of metal arrived at his station, just as he’d done four, eight, and twelve minutes before. Twelve minutes since his break, two hours and eighteen minutes until lunch. Freddy let the interlocking mechanisms engulf him again. It was numbingly dull work but today Freddy didn’t care. Anything to stop that letter resurfacing.
It had arrived just as he was having breakfast. His mother had layed it on the table beside him and he’d ripped it open, expecting word from back home. Instead … Her lips had still been smiling in the picture, as if liberation transcended the fact that she’d never smile at anything again. The photo had been in black and white but Freddy had seen the yellow star as vividly as the fire in his grandmother’s heart. The loss felt like jagged fingernails tearing his flesh to shreds.
A bolt clattered to the floor.
“Bernstein!” the wormy little foreman yelled, “Get your head out the clouds!”
Freddy tensed but bent down to retrieve the bolt. The conveyor belt sped away again. Two hours, fourteen minutes.
‘Dear Mr Bernstein, we are sorry to inform you,’ it had read. Freddy squeezed his eyes shut but he could still see the stiffly printed hand. ‘Your grandmother has been positively identified. Unfortunately …’
Freddy's eyelids flew open but his vision was blurred.
The ‘L’ for Central London Industries spun around and around. Freddy closed his eyes again and the dancing ‘L’s had formed the symbol of his nightmares. The lines grinned at him through a Swastika.
He gasped and forced himself to focus on something, anything. His eyes locked onto the foreman. He was fiddling with his pen, swinging it back and forth like an upside down pendulum. The gesture was achingly familiar but he couldn’t place it. From time to time he would switch to tapping his clipboard with it. Then back to the pendulum. Freddy's legs turned to jelly as recognition slid into place. The boredom in the foreman’s eyes, the power he held over all of them, even the random, arbitrary back and forth of his pen.
The foreman’s greasy black hair seemed to lighten and heal its dead ends before his eyes. His brown eyes with their pink whites turned blue and glistened. The blonde hair. The blue eyes. The foreman’s weasel-like nose sharpened, lengthened and straightened. Aryan. 'Lieutenant' Keiss.
"Get back to work, Bernstein!"
No. Not like this. Freddy was not going to let them have their way all over again. He grabbed the unfinished piston from the conveyor belt and vaulted over the merciless machine. If he turned back, if he even thought about backing down, then his grandmother had died in vain. He shook his head. She would be avenged.
Herr Commandant didn't notice him until he was seconds away. His brilliant blue eyes pleaded with Freddy to stop but Freddy ignored him, just as he and his fraternity had ignored the pleas of six million of Freddy's people. Blue eyes. Blonde hair. Freddy glanced at the useless lump of metal in his hand. He would bash this bastard's brain in, spray his blood all over the floor, all over his stupid overalls that took away who he was and turned him into a 'worker'. What colour did monsters even bleed?
He slammed the piston into his enemy's gut and forced him to the ground. He crouched over the monster's wriggling, struggling form. He snarled and raised the piston high above the monster's head, staring straight into his blonde eyes. The sliver of sunlight that always managed to filter through the windows glinted off the piston. He grimaced as it stung his eyes but when he recovered his vision the room had stopped spinning.
Eyes blinked and jaws dropped open. All around him, faces stared in horror. That image jerked at something inside him. His heart stammered and his stomach clenched like a fist. He glanced at the barely translucent window. A sharp image lunged out at him. He saw the snarl on his lips, his own arm raised to strike. The odd thing was that his eyes weren't his eyes. They were strong, powerful and dazzlingly blue.
Then it clicked. The unblinking, horrified eyes were a grainy snapshot of three years ago, on one of the countless days when fifty human beings were kicked into the ground by five Perfect Humans. He remembered wishing the blow would fall on him so he wouldn't just be standing by doing nothing any more. He remembered how they took his grandmother instead and how he wanted to reach into their brains and rip out what made them Human.
And he remembered the fear on his grandmother's face when she saw the hatred in his eyes.
But his arm was already falling. He tried to stop it, or change its trajectory, but he only slashed his palm with the angry teeth of the mechanism. The impact zapped like a lightning bolt up his arm and he choked on the shock. Blood sprayed from the wound at the foreman's temple, drenching Freddy in the crimson river of pain and misery he'd truly believed he'd escaped. Freddy's blood from his palm mixed with the blood of the foreman.
Freddy glanced at the ribbon of his blood staining the foreman's shirt. It seemed monsters bled red after all.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
Heyo, Scot! Casanova here to do a review as promised. I'll eventually get to all your portfolio, give me time
) if you get what I'm meaning.
Anyway, to start off I would like to say I really liked this short story. I don't know what I'm going to review, but I'll see.
The good things
The characters. Zigi is the only one you give much about, and I know it's a short story, but Zigi is well put together. From his personality to what little you give about his grandmother and such, it seems like he's a character I would like to see in a novel. In other words- I want to see more than just a short story with him xD. Anyway, onward.
The other good thing is the plot idea. I love everything up until the end, and that I enjoyed more than anything. When Zigi kills the foreman. It took me by surprise, but it was a good surprise. I love killing off characters- especially if there's a reason to. Anyway, onward.
Thing I think you can work on
The plot is the only thing I think you could work on. Although I enjoyed it, it seemed a little fast paced- even for a short story. I think you could have dragged it out a little bit more, added more about the characters and the story itself, instead of going straight for the kill(quite literally here
Anyway, overall I think you have a good short story that could use some minor tweaking and some plot thought. Besides that, I think this was a really good short story. So props for that. That's all I have to say on this one, and I hope it helped.
Keep on doing what you're doing and keep on keeping on.
Your friend, Matt
Thanks, Matt
don't worry, no rush. Yeah, the fast pace is cos this was for school and I had a word limit XD
Ohh okay
holy cow. Man this is good. i am touched by this. do you now this guy?
I did meet him once but he's in his eighties now. Also, he's nothing like this in real life.
And thanks.
Salutations.
I am touched by this short story. As I was reading it, I was wondering what I would write in my review, but in the end, I was so enraptured by your story, I completely lost track of time. How am I supposed to review such an excellently written story?
Well, I would keep everything exactly the same as it is, style-wise. The only thing of which I can really think, is such technical things as grammar. I apologise if this annoys you, but it is the only way I would suggest improving it.
I would leave out the in, since invinting is sufficient on its own. Also, I believe you misspelled interested. Actually, you only forgot to add an "e", but you get the idea.
I often see people writing such things as "so long as", but it is incorrect. Take the intensive form "as good as gold" and rewrite it as "so good as gold". It seems strange, doesn't it? Just like in my example, as should be used in "as long as". Other than the fact that it is correct, it also sounds better and makes more sense.
Those were some of the few errors I encountered. There may be more, but actually, I am not too sure. Either way, your grammar is excellent, as this proves, and the short story as a whole... the theme, plot, setting, characterisation, everything is outstanding. If you really wanted to, I suppose you could improve on this even further, but it is more than satisfactory as it is. A hearty well done!
Thanks so much! And happy review day
This is an amazing story! and yea Ive heard of Zigi shipper before, a very interesting tale.
Thanks, Bell!
I should warn you thougthat to get a points a review needs to be roughly five sentences long
I knew that... *awkward silence from the new girl*...