Shattered Steel

by ExOmelas

Published June 3, 2014

In Hunger games

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My villain is Magneto AKA Erik Lehnsherr. This short story is set three years after the end of X-Men: First Class. I was going to base it on the time just before Days of Future Past but I was worried about spoilers ;)

The boy's eyes glitter with anticipation. I gulp and rub my hands together at the sight of him. I sense his anger; his rage at the humans who have held us down for the three years since Cuba. They want to destroy us and in fact they believe that they can destroy us - morons. This young man, however, has power and can destroy whatever he chooses.

Including my toaster.

"Is that really necessary?" I holler. The sound of the fire beams thundering into my defenceless roster all but drowns out my objection. My flat is an absurd backdrop for this demonstration of the young man's abilities. A couch, a table, some chairs and a television do not match the light show being performed before my eyes.

"You asked to see what I can do, Erik," he replies innocently.

"Yes, but I like toast," I murmur.

When he is finally finished, I flick the remains of the toaster into the bin he clicks open and sigh. He could have just grilled a piece of bread. He'd have rendered the toaster obsolete but at least it would still be in one piece.

"So what's your name?" I ask.

His long black hair swooshes as he flicks his head around to face me. His cheekbones are harsh and appeared almost as sharp as axes. There was a menacing light in his eyes that flicks around the room in a frenzy.

"My name is Incineriol," he shrugs.

I've heard worse.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

"So what's your plan?" I grunt.

We are trudging through a forest behind a wide sweeping building - God only knows what it is. Windows dot it like freckles on a ginger kid's nose and the walls are painted a similar faun shade to the bark of the trees we duck under and haul ourselves over. I have no inkling as to my current location. We were in New York only an hour ago. One second, I was eating cereal, the next Azazel had his hand on my shoulder and was teleporting me somewhere else entirely. That is just low. In fact, Azazel does not take much coaxing to be bribed - it's just plain lazy. I think I admire Incineriol's mutation more than I admire the man himself.

"It's probably best I don't tell you," Incineriol murmurs, "I don't anticipate problems but if we do encounter any it's best if you can't be questioned."

"Yeah, yeah, I know the drill," I mutter. You'd think I wasn't the leader of the Brotherhood. Who is he to talk to me this way? I would hang him by the chain slung around his neck if his mutation wasn't so useful.

"Come on," Incineriol whispered suddenly, "It's this way."

He zips behind a row of particularly dense trees and crouches at the end of the row. He moves like a tornado and makes me feel ancient. I trundle along behind him and wonder what on Earth he needs with me. I assume he wants to start a fire. Why does he need metal manipulated? I can't do much more than follow, however. Well, it's not as if he could prevent me from leaving but I have absolutely no money on me and anyone on the street would recognise me as the man suspected of assassinating JFK. I really should clear that up.

He continues to dash along the grass at the foot of the vast wall that sweeps along the courtyard. The sky is a blank white but I reckon the day will end nowhere near as dull as it has begun. He kneels by a neat square whole at the foot of the building rising barely about a foot and a half from the ground and gestures to me to do the same. I do so, but I am not complying. I am eager to show humans what we can do and Incineriol seems to have a way to do it. If that means he doesn't tell me, then fine by me.

"What is it you want?" I grunt.

"What do you think?" He points indignantly at the iron bars of what I'm beginning to suspect is a prison bar window. Does he want to break someone out? Does he think I have time to waste on lowlife criminals? Well, they can only be so lowlife if they're required to be cooped up in what is clearly a government stronghold.

I groan. I am definitely going to do as he says. Of course, I could turn around and walk away - this shrimp couldn't stop me - but if he has some way to show the humans they can't mess with us, then I am in. I tense my muscles and grapple with the air. The hold I feel on the bars is like an elastic band, which will snap if I push myself too far. Luckily, this is child's play. The bars have been wrenched out of the ground before he has time to tell me where to put them so I hurl them at the forest. There is a satisfying plop as they drop into a stream.

"What's next?" I grumble.

Far from hauling a worthless scumbag out of the cell, he shimmies through the gap into it and beckons for me to follow. I roll my eyes but lower myself into the dank room. At least he isn't constantly nagging at me to do what is right for the collective good. Sometimes, Charles, there is no such thing as 'collective' in the world.

The cell we have landed in is clean and clinical - furnished by a toilet strapped to the wall with an embedded basin and a lone bed hammered to the floor a few feet away from the window. They're lucky they never tried to keep Alex Summers in here. Havoc would have blown his way out in seconds.

My attention is whipped back to reality by a quick blast in the wall from Incineriol's hands. He has smashed a fist-shaped hole into the thick plaster of the wall and exposed a forest of leads and cables.

"Get me the red one," he commands.

I have no desire to be commanded. I cannot be commanded. I have to clamp my hand to my side to stop myself from throwing him at the wall. I also take extreme objection to blindly carrying out a plan with no knowledge of its implications. I am no slave. If he thinks I am, he is as much of a moron as the humans.

"Why?" I grate.

"Give me the wire and I'll fry it. That will set off a chain reaction that I've put in place over my time as a security guard here and the whole building will go up in flames," he explains, as if he is going over the rules of a board game.

I resent my deep gasp of fright. I hate to show weakness, especially to maniacs.

"What building is this?" I ask casually.

"The Parliament buildings. In London." He shrugs. I could just throttle him. Does he not get how idiotic it is to not only destroy one of the key buildings of the world but to get ourselves blown up alongside it? What kind of statement is that? That is not an act of war. That is simply evil.

"Okay, let me make this clear," I hiss, "I am not a terrorist."

"Charles is up there. Many mutants."

"Charles is practically my brother!" I exclaim. I had in fact no idea that Charles is in London. I'm glad I asked for the details of his plan. I murmur, "You would destroy your own kind just to make a statement?"

His eyes glitter in the darkness and I shy away involuntarily. I am not an easily frightened man, but there is something deeply unnerving about this man.

"What does it matter?" he whispers, "None of our lives mean anything. Everything is random and everyone will come to dust. If everything is random, what difference does it make what I do? We are all the same. Mutants and humans are as pointless as each other. If the humans and the mutants are destroyed together, nobody comes out on top. Nobody wins. Nobody is superior."

I shuffle back, hoping it is too dark for him to see my panic. He is a madman. I am trapped in a jail cell with a madman - a nihilistic madman who is set on destroying as much of the world as he can.

"And if I don't help you your plan won't work?" I spit.

He shakes his head and I know what I must do. I scramble onto the bed and spring up until I am level with the gap. I reach out madly for the bars I tossed into the stream and pull myself with all my might towards them. I hear him chanting something about my cowardice, that I sympathise with humans. The elastic of my grip wrenches at my shoulder and I hear muscle tissue ripping with the strain of holding myself up. I bash through the gap and tumble onto the grass.

I try to let go of the bars now that I am out but my arms are numb. I am dragged by the force of the contracting elastic grip over the stumps of trees and flop ungracefully onto the rocks of the stream. My head thumps into something iron - the bars, presumably - and I clench my stomach muscles to whirl myself around. The bars are dragged out of the water with me and I kick at the force that holds them to me. I don't see them smash back into place but I hear the ringing. Incineriol will not be murdering mutants today.

With the last of my strength I wriggle out of the stream and flop onto my back. I am broken. But it's better me broken than my race.

(1659 words)

Comments & reviews · 4
User avatar
Casanova
Review
Casanova wrote a review Review · Feb 9, 2017

Heya, Scot! Casanova here to do another review for you!

Okay, the first thing I have is something about your characters-

His long black hair swooshes as he flicks his head around to face me. His cheekbones are harsh and appeared almost as sharp as axes. There was a menacing light in his eyes that flicks around the room in a frenzy.

"My name is Incineriol," he shrugs.


The way you describe his contradicts his actions. You describe his as almost sophisticated with a menacing side to him, and I didn't really think he would shrug. I pictured him staring a hole through the narrator, mentally locked in battle with him as he utters a short, snarky reply to him as an answer. But that was just my take of Incineriol up until this point. Anyway, onward.

Another thing I'd like to touch on would be your dialogue. For the most part it's there, but how you let out your dialogue is a bit eh. You mainly use,"murmur," or,"whisper," which is practically the same thing. I would suggest diversing it a little bit. Using things like,"She sobbed," or,"he questioned," and things like that. Let actions take the place of dialogue- I find that it's a better way to help out in the emotion section of your characters as well. Anyway, onward.

I think you have a pretty well put together plot line here, and there aren't really that many holes in it, so I'll have to give you props for that.

Now, your characters. For the most part you have them well thought out and well put together, and that's a good thing. I'm not one for fan fictions and whatnot, but I did particularly enjoy this, so props for that.

Anyway, overall I think you have a good story line with strong characters that just needs a little work done. That's all I have to say on this one, and I hope it helped.

Keep on doing what you're doing, and keep on keeping on.

Your friend, Matt

User avatar
Iggy
Review
Iggy wrote a review Review · Jun 3, 2014

Hello! ^-^

Okay so I kinda have a big thing for Erik >_> Like. I love Magneto. I would do many things to Michael Fassbender <_< BUT UM ANYWAYS. Hi.

"My name is Incineriol." He shrugs.


Should be >> "My name is Incineriol," he shrugs.


I think that's my only nitpick. My thoughts on this:

1. I'm a little disappointed with the portrayal of Magento. I like that you showed us how he frowned against the attack on the Parliament, because it shows me that he's smart and tactical and didn't see it as a necessity to do. What good would it have brought? Then of course once he found out that Charles was in the building, he wouldn't do it. He would never. ;-;

What I didn't like was his lack of authority. THIS IS ERIK FREAKING LEHNSHERR. He ain't gonna let some kid boss him around! Nor would he answer to such demands or evasiveness. He'd demand to know answers. Magneto is a smart man with a plan.

I feel that you tried to portray him in a more humanistic light, but that just doesn't work for him. He hates humanity and I can't say I blame him. Of course he'd frown against a terrorist attack because it didn't benefit him, but he also isn't the type of person to submit to anyone, especially some kid like this one.

2. I was confused by the big dramatic escape he made in the end. I don't understand. I understand they slipped through a gap, but is it in the ground? And why does he need bars to get himself out of the hole? For leverage? But then, why would it make his muscles tear? I was very confused on that part.

But other than that, I liked this. I like the reference to JFK! Not a huge spoiler for the new movie but a spoiler nonetheless. :P I liked the action in this and the unique power fireboy had. I also like that you made him a madman. This was overall very good and I'd love to see more someday. Until then, I will leave you with a heart <3 for Magento and a like! I hope my review helps.

~Iggy

Thank you for your suggestions. I'll do what I can before the deadline :-)

Also, the reason he wanted to help was because Incineriol had a plan to attack the humans. Do you have any idea how I can make it clearer that he is just really eager to find a way to make a statement about what mutants are capable of. Like, he will do what this little twerp says because the end result will be mutant glory. Actually, I could just write that round about the point where I said 'Of course, I don't have a choice, but if he has some way to show the humans that they cannot mess with us, then I am in.' I could change it to: 'Of course, I could turn around and walk away - this shrimp couldn't stop me - but if he has some way to show the humans they can't mess with us, then I am in'. Do you think that would work?

User avatar
Blackwood
Review
Blackwood wrote a review Review · Jun 3, 2014

Hello, review time.

I both gulp and rub my hands together at the sight of him.
This ins't the best way of putting the sentence, as it makes the reader think of both as two people. I don't think you need the word both at all here.

I sense his anger, his rage at

Semicolon here. Should be "I sense his anger; his rage at.."

That entire first paragraph uses very short sentences and it's quite hard for the reader to follow. Once you get into the toaster bit and beyond its easier to read, but the first paragraph is important because it gives an overall impression to the reader. I know you are trying to make it intense but I feel it is slightly cluttery and needs a little smoothing out.

Mercifully, he is finished.
This sounds really strange. I think this line needs to be rephrased.

His long black hair swooshes as he flicks his head around to face me.


His cheekbones could slice my helmet in half and his eyes still twinkle with menace.
Woahhhh over description. Cheek bones cutting in half? That makes me imagine he has swords on his face. Maybe there is another way to put that? Also 'twinkle' and 'menace' aren't words that blend well together.

We are trudging through a forest
Wait wait wait up. I think you need to establish your setting earlier. A toaster and a forest doesn't seem to fit. Why is there a toaster and a rubbish bin in a forest? This is really confusing me.


Apart from the fact that I have no desire to be commanded, I take objection to blindly carrying out a
Why do you need to say apart from that? The first half of this sentence doesn't really make sense with the second. Have a look at that.


Overall I think this works well as a short story fan fiction, as it doesn't demand too much from the reader and becomes quite nice to read. The problems are not establishing your setting well enough at the start as well as a few phrasing issues. I also think you need to get into this cheek-bone character a little better. At first magneto seems to like him, but then he suddenly gets betrayed which I don't understand, it happened all too fast. I want to see the turning point a little more clearer.
I also don't really know what's going on. One minute a toaster is getting destroyed and then by the end he's in London. I think you need to take it a little slower or more particular. I think the toaster is a good hook and a way to introduce these characters, however I don't see how its relevant to the forest or London. You need to make sure you are writing this so someone who doesn't know the films clearly can follow along. Main issue setting. Writing flow, pretty good.

When I wrote it there was a line between the the toaster scene and the forest scene but it hasn't shown up. I'll try to fix this stuff when I get home from school. I have a free period next so I'll make a note as to how to fix stuff

Would it work if he had some /clear/ thoughts about Incineriol being a nihilist? About him being evil?

I just want to say that the beginning has really improved. I don't have time to read much further but good work.

Thanks :)



If you don't know where you're going, any road'll take you there.
— George Harrison