A/N: I know I shouldn't be posting when there's so much in the Green Room but the Independence Referendum is today and this is urgent.
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When Alex Salmond promises
Scotland will be 'great again',
Just say naw.
When Nicola Sturgeon bawls
'Bring Westminster Rule to an end!'
Just say naw.
When your mates at school
Want you to join the Yes Clan
Just say naw!
When your best mate gets called scum
By a megaphone on a passing Yes van
Just
say
NAW
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125,011 Literary Works • 672,841 Reviews
Heya, Scot! Casanova here to do one more review for the night! I"ll be taking this stanza by stanza, so I hope you don't mind. Anyway, to the review!!
The first thing is- the format. Try using shift key plus enter to get rid of all that extra white space.
The next thing. Your imagery here is someone promising to make Scotland great again. Good! Now expand on that. How will he make scotland great again? Is his intentions good or bad? What's he like as a person? Things like that come to mind whenever I think about that, and I would love to see you expand on that. Anyway, onward.
"Westminster Rule." Again, something I would like to see you expand on. What's bad about it? What's good about it? How does it affect you? Things like that, ya know? Anyway, onward.
Okay, by now reading,"just say naw," is becoming a bit annoying. It's overused at this point, and I think you could cut most of them out and you wouldn't lose anything.
Now, what's the Yes clan? I'm guessing you're meaning the people who want the change, but you don't? I could be wrong on that. Why is the yes better or worse than the naw? You have a list of things that appear bad- but you're giving no detail as to why they're good or bad, which leaves the reader in a neutral tone. There's little to no emotion coming from this, and I would like to see you expand on it.
Why would you say naw to that? That situations seems more of the type to swing at the person or at least shake your head and move on.
Anyway, overall I think you have some work to do on this one, including adding imagery and poetic devices as well as emotion. Do that work, and I think you might have a decent poem on your hands.
That's all I have to say on this one, and I hope it helped.
Keep on doing what you're doing and keep on keeping on.
Your friend, Matt
I kind of like this - I'm presuming you're either English, or Scottish not wanting to split from England? But, I have to say I quite like how its simple and the message is clear, not having to infer and deduce the meaning of the poem. I would say however, I do kind of think it could be longer. It seems very short and snappy - which is good to get your point across but yeah, I do think it could be longer.
It's very relevant to what's happening now, and best of luck with your writing in the future!
Bigejay100 Reviewing,
My first review so please bare with me. This was a good way to kick of my journey through YWS. I love the simplicity of this poem. You had a short but sweet setup and, the ending was very thought provoking. There are two things I like most in writing. Feels and Thoughts. That being said, I didn't tell if you were trying to draw some sort of parallel between the first few statements and the ending ones. Other then that I was actually very impressed with this work.
Never stop writing.