Published September 12, 2008
Moonlight on the pond
Fish breaks through the flat surface
A fly is dinner
trying to capure one moment in time....your thoughts would be welcome!
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139,567 Literary Works • 672,608 Reviews
Hi there, Rebel to review!
That's what draws readers in.
I enjoy reading and writing haikus, so I felt that I needed to read this one.
I liked the first line. I began to think of going fishing at midnight on a pond, which brought back fond memories for me. The second line was decent, but I have to agree with Matt Bellamy. It's slightly confusing with the "Fish breaks". The third line is rather abrupt for me. You might've worded the last line differently so that you don't just flat out say a fly is dinner. Lastly, I would've liked it if you had a creative title.
Overall, I think you did a nice job with your haiku. They're hard to write. Keep writing!
I'm not very good at review haikus so please bare with me
This poem was very sweet and I did enjoy reading it. I found myself chuckling a little at the last line. I don't know if humour is what you were going for but that's what came across to me. I also admire those who try and take on haiku as I know they are a difficult type of poem to tackle and I am glad you say you did mange a decent job. All in all I thought that this haiku was very well done but felt a tad bland for my taste. Good job, keep it up!
Hey,
done.
I love haiku's so I had to comment. Well done it's not always easy to write haikus. Very effective although I'm not so sure about the last line. Like someone else said, very Japanese. Also very poetic.
Well
Keep writing.
C.C
i really liked this evie
te he
it was sweet and cleverly done i must say!
i personally cannot write anything of the sort as haikus are very difficult . OR ARE THEY? you have proved that wrong cos this is brill!
i read it many times cos i loved it so much
keep writing!
would be interesting to see some more of your work on here too!
bisquit who you know as Becky
xx
Thanks guys!! Very good to hear from people who're viewing it fresh if you know what I mean. Will mull over the suggestions for a while if that's ok!
Love this place by the way Charlie.
hey, that's great! Very Japanese. I do think that you should put fish break instead of fish breaks, but it depends; i don't know anything about haikus! I really like it though. It's very easy to read and whimsical. Makes me want to write haikus.
Thankyou for your review earlier, by the way. How are you liking the site?
see you tomorrow (school. yucky)
from charlie. x
Ooh, haikus are difficult. The first line is good. The second line, well it depends if you're talking about one fish or two. You say fish breaks, which sounds like one fish, but because you don't say "A fish breaks", it doesn't make much sense, and I know you can't put A because of the structure of the poem, so maybe you should make it plural and take the s off the end of breaks. The last line is okay, but it's a bit abrupt. I would just suggest rewording it slightly, like, maybe suggesting that a fly is dinner but not actually saying it, but hinting that there was a fly going past and now it isn't. Very hard to do in only five syllables, I know! Good job, anyways.