Young Writers Society

Heya, Eeevee! Casanova here to do another review!

Confetti is shot from cannons, the crowd cheers, I scream,"YOUR LAST NON POEM WORK! WOO! Sorry, but I've been waiting to get to your poetry. Saving it as a treat of sorts for when I completed all of your novels/short stories. And since this is the last one.. Well, you better get ready to lose the bet. I've only got thirteen more after this, and that's only a couple hours of work. Sorry, Ev.

Anyway, the length is a lot shorter than most Short Stories. This would do well(the length of it) as a novel chapter. One thing I liked about this, though, was the ending. Why didn't I read these first.. The endings are good in my opinion, and I don't think they could get any better. However, three things I want to talk about that I've been talking about.

1.Dialogue.

Your dialogue is actually improving in this one. There's not as much of it, yet it is still seeming in spots a bit bland. As I said, try experimenting with different phrasings, and ways of asking/stating something besides,"She asked," or,"he said." This will really help you out.

2.Paragraph structure.

You did extremely well with this in this short story. So, I give you props. You didn't over do the paragraphs, and you didn't have many dialogue pieces within your paragraphs. Congrats!

3. Whether this is 1,000 characters or not, I'm done. Over all this was a good short story, and I just wanted to say the ending paragraph, instead of the ending line, could use some work. It's the same idea as the paragraph before, so you could merge them and not make a hassle if you wanted to. The,"sobbing," in the last paragraph actually doesn't make sense without the paragraph before it, so I say go ahead and merge it. Or get rid of that line entirely, and just leave,"He left her." That would be a REALLY bad kicker.

Anyway, this was sad but I loved it. Romance.. Aah, such a good thing to read.

I hope this helped.

Keep on doing what you're doing, and keep on keeping on.

Your friend, Cassy.

Hello!

I saw this in the green room and decided to come along and review it. Also since it is Valentine's Day, I thought to review something sad such as my love life. Anyway. Onto the review!

I feel like you have a cliche love story that always ends in tears. The character's have some nice interactions with the surroundings around them, and even use it to their advantage. Also the relationship between the two characters, in my opinion, seems fake. In my views on relationships, I've seen people fight and cry over how they lost them. In this story you've written, the characters don't have a simple backstory to give the reader the sense of why they broke up. Like it feels almost rushed? Even though in the beginning, it seems they have the lovely-dovely bond.
Another thing I noticed you took the route of making the love seem to one person instead of the other. That too I've seen with many of my friends. The relationship between the two character seems almost intangible/hard-to-grasp. Like I can't exactly feel what they are feeling as of now. Almost like a loose string holding onto a paper weight. It just keeps breaking and breaking until finally it snaps, causing the paper weight to fall. In other words, try finding a balance or something to make the relationship, whether it being a fail or a success. Think about how your characters would react in this certain situation, since in my point of view, as I said before, completely unrelatable.

You seem to use "she" a lot. I was confused on whom it might be, to be honest. Either Trisha or her sister. In any case, use the name of the character when you have to and she when they are doing something completely unrelated to the reader. That can be easily fixed, no less. Try thinking about a romantic chapter or your parent's relationship. If they suddenly ended, how would each of the people involved feel?
The dialogue, as I said again, feels tight. Also, you seem to use some good discription of how the tones of the characters are during this. I'm impress since for me, coming up with good thoughts and trying to make it seem as if the characters are talking like an old man, is very hard.

"I don't know... One minute we were sitting at my table... My parents were at the store... My brothers were in their rooms... And she just leaned over and... Kissed me. I shouldn't have let her. I'm so sorry." Jake's voice was unsteady. She bit her lip and glared at the floor of her room. The bright colors seemed to be taunting her.

Hello! Renn here.

First off, I'll start by saying that I like finished feel to the writing. I see a lot of stuff on here that looks like it was never re-read or polished up. So I appreciate the extra effort.

That being said, I'll continue.

This is a pretty standard "Something Happened-I Have To Tell You" sort of beginning. Not that that's inherently bad, but it definitely draws from the story. However, I think there are several aspects in this short segment (I can't bring myself to call it a short story, but I don't know why- that's probably my bad.)

There are a few little things that put hiccups in my reading of this [please make a title! ], but they weren't significant enough for me to mention them in any true detail.

The only thing I find worth really commenting on to improve is this section... My critiques and comments will be in brackets after each paragraph.



"She opened the back door and stared at the pouring rain. She stole a glance at the stairs. Jake wasn't following her. She walked out and slammed the door. The rain was freezing and the night sky was completely shaded with clouds.

[I feel like those first two sentences need to be swapped. How can she look back at the stairs if she's allready down them and out the back door, unless the stairs lead directly down to the back door? If this is true, throw that detail in there, or if it's easier, just swap the sentences. The rest I could find ways just to embellish and make more lively, more descriptive.]

She walked towards the line of trees and the back of her yard. When she got to them, she looked at the sky. A sob escaped her lips for the first time and she fell to her knees. She sunk into the wet grass and cried. She cried hard.

[Maybe say "when she reached them" instead of "when she got to them"... It just sounds a bit more eloquent, less spoken. Again with the more description... Set the scene! Make us cry and feel the rain! Also, at the end, "and cried- hard." would be my suggestion.]


Jake walked slowly down the stairs a minute later. He looked out the large window and saw Trisha kneeling under the trees. He looked over his shoulder. Trisha's little sister glared at him as she pulled on her shoes and ran out into the rain. Jake watched her wrap her arms around Trisha's hunched form."

[I don't quite like that it changed perspectives so quickly and unceremoniously. I was a bit confused how she could see up the stairs from all the way in her back yard, until I realized it was his perspective. My book has a ton of perspective changes, and I usually add line breaks (which are like impossible on YWS) or little symbols to denote the change. I understand the plight. Also, if the night sky is totally covered in clouds, how can he see her out there? Is there a porch light?]



That's all I have! Keep writing.
- Renn