Loup

Hopefully, this is good, honestly i'll be happy if "one" person likes it.
P.S. "loup" is french for wolf

“No longer!” I shouted, I screamed out
I flung objects from there places, and like a tornado, ripped across my room
I turned around
And ran
I ran past my mother and father
I ran out the door
Glimpses of family, friends, school, events in my life streamed out before my eyes
I pushed them away
I embraced the road under my feet, the night that surrounded me and the moon that hung in the sky
I ran out of myself
“I” was gone
I ran away from my humanity
I ran out of my own world
And into another
One that was hidden in shadow
That I ignored, but always knew was there
A world locked away that desperately wanted to be free, that had flickered in and out of my reality
I shed off what was left of my old life
I entered my now only home
I kept running
And didn’t look back

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Points: 2850
Reviews: 61

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Mon Jul 26, 2010 1:11 am

kogarasumaro143 wrote a review...

Positive Review: I like your attitude while writing the poem. It shows the weakest side of you and you are not ashamed to share it to everyone. Nice.

Negative Review: Although I like it, still, you should fill the big space for improvement. You are dealing with the readers feelings so you should put some more words to touch and to let us feel what you are feeling. IMPROVE! Keep on writing.

Consider this suggestion:

EverTheGentleman wrote:“No longer!” I shouted, I screamed out I flung objects from #FF0000 ">here and there, and like a tornado, ripped across my room I turned around

Points: 6235
Reviews: 2631

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Sun Jul 25, 2010 5:21 pm

Rydia wrote a review...

Hey there! Ah, that makes more sense. I thought you might have spelled loop wrong or something. Maybe Lupine would be more recogniseable as a title?

This doesn't feel much like a poem to me, are you new to the area? If so, it's a good first start! But maybe you should read more poems to get a stronger feel for how they work? Here's a few tips:

“No longer!” I shouted, I screamed out
I flung objects from ~~there~~ their places, and like a tornado, ripped across my room

I ran out the door

[There's a lot of I which doesn't work very well in poetry. You should try to limit that! Also, avoid any repetition that isn't being used to a purpose. There's a lot of words you can use instead of ran which mean the same thing.]

I ran out of myself

[This line has a lot of potential! I like the thoughts it conjures in my head and would suggest you work on expanding this more.]

Imagery

Remember, poetry isn't prose. If you took out the line breaks, this would read as a story. That's not how it should be. Poetry is more complex and is built of different factors, an important one of which is imagery. When writing poetry, you should aim to make it visual and alive through your use of similes, metaphors and colour.

Basically, the best advice I can give you is to read more poetry. Check out the work of a few of the greats, Simon Armitage is good or Sylvia Plath. And good luck with the writing!

Heather xx

Points: 367
Reviews: 165

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Sun Jul 25, 2010 3:03 pm

Sassykat wrote a review...

Okay, I like it, but it is in need of some improvement.

The first line, the "No longer!" didn't seem to fit in with the quotations. It was just a little awkward.
Second line, I flung objects from there places, it should be Their places.
The seventh line, glimpses, I just thought it could use a little cleaning up.
In the eleventh line, I just thought, again, that the quotations were out of place.
Towards the end, when you describe the world hidden in shadow, it didn't make too much sense because he ran into the world of shadow and ignored it at the same time. Is that what you intended?
The last four lines were okay, but the third-to-last was maybe a little awkward.

Hope I helped!

Young Writers Society

Loup

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