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The Thinning of Blood

The mail had come that day, and it changed Haley's life. She was seventeen, beautiful, and a twin. Angel, her twin sister, was the popular one. She had opted for contacts when she needed glasses, while Haley just got thick rimmed black glasses. Their mahogany hair was silky and straight. Angel was a cheerleader, but Haley was a ballerina. They both loved dancing, but in totally different ways.

"Didja hear?" Angel said, bouncing up and down. She grabbed Haley's hands and spun in a circle.

"Hear what?" Haley replied. She reached to the floor and grabbed the book she had been reading off the floor.

"Put down that silly book and listen to me!" Angel cried. She ripped the book out of Haley's hands and threw it across the kitchen. It landed in the garbage can and Haley sighed in that direction.

"What, Angel?" Haley said. She pulled on the end of her braid, which was trailing over her shoulder.

"Bradley" She said, "Bradley James is throwing a valentines party. He said that the guys have to ask a date in order to get in, including him. And his best friend's cousin's neighbor, Eliza, said she needed my address today because some guy wanted it." Angel kept bouncing up and down, like the spaz she truly was.

"Wow. Congrats." Haley said, "I think...?" Angel gave her a suspicious look.

"What?" She asked.

"Well, nothing, I guess..." Haley said, "It's just that you're making something out of practically nothing..." Haley said. Her voice trailed off like it usually did when she felt unsure of herself. It was true that while Bradley and Angel weren't official, they still went on dates a lot. While Angel was a party girl, Haley was totally introverted. She hung out with Angel and her friends, but she hardly said a thing to any of them.

Angel huffed away, like she usually did when Haley called out her fantasies. Haley walked to the garbage can and pulled her poor novel out of the trash. She pulled it to her chest and let her mind wander for a minute. Imagine if Bradley asked her to the party... But she quickly shook her head of the idea. How silly. Bradley never talked to her.

Haley curled up on the couch and put her nose back in the book. After a few hours, the door opened and a line of teenagers walked in. There was Lydia and Emery from the cheer team, and George and Bradley. Angel ran to the front door and squealed. She hugged her friends, lingering a bit on Bradley. Haley slid off the couch and walked over to Angel. She whispered to her.

"Angel, mom said that you can't have friends over while she's gone." Haley whispered.

"Oh Haley, don't be a spoil sport." replied Lydia. Lydia constantly made fun of Haley for her awkwardness and shyness.

"I wasn't really talking to you..." Haley whispered. She played with the hem of her shirt and stared at the ground with narrowed eyes.

"Her royal shyness has a voice?" Lydia mocked. Haley lowered her head even more and backed up a bit. Angel just laughed and led her friends to her room. Haley walked into the kitchen and sat on the floor hiding behind the island counter top. She pulled out her phone and dialed her mom's phone number.

"Hi sweet pea," Her mom said.

"Hey mama..." Haley replied.

"What's wrong?" She said. Haley's mom knew her better than anyone, even Angel lately.

"Angel invited some friends over..." Haley whispered. She heard her mom sigh.

"Oh dear. Which ones." Haley listed off their names quietly.

"Can you just come home and kick them out?" Haley pleaded.

"I'm sorry hun." She replied. "I'll have to deal with it after my shift."

"They'll be gone by then..." Haley whimpered.

"I know. I'll just deal with Angel." Her mom said. Haley bit her lip. If Angel found out she had told... There would be a huge fight... Haley hated fighting with anyone. Especially her sister.

"Please don't. Just let it slide... I don't want her to know I told you... I don't wanna fight with her." Haley whispered. Her mom agreed, and Haley hung up. She stood up slowly and reached into one of the cupboards. She pulled out a bag of chips and began snacking on them. She listened to her sister and her friends laughing and messing around. Haley walked into her room across the hall and sat on her bed. Her room was themed with dark grey and silver, while Angel's was cream and gold. She laid down on her bed and stared at her plain ceiling. I wish I could be more like them, she thought. She listened as the front door opened and closed a couple times. She assumed everyone had left, but she still heard murmuring and giggles from Angel's room.

Haley pressed her ear to Angel's door. Bradley's low voice slid through the closed door and was broken off by silence and a low growl. Are they making out?, Haley thought. She narrowed her eyes and walked silently into the kitchen. She pulled a huge glass pitcher out of the china cabinet. She stared at it for a moment. Her dad had given it to her mom on their fifth anniversary. He was serving in Afghanistan... He had been for the last year. Haley heard something hit the wall in Angel's room just then. She lifted the pitcher above her head and dropped it on the floor, running the short distance to her room. She slid in and then immediately slammed open her door the same time Angel did.

"What did you do?" Haley asked, letting her anger drip in her voice.

"Nothing. We were in here the entire time." Angel said. Her cheeks were flushed and her lipstick was smeared. Haley gave her a look of pure disgust. I guess they're official now, Haley thought.

Haley walked out to the kitchen and stared at the mess on the floor. She whipped her head towards Angel. "Well this wouldn't happen by itself, now would it?" She taunted. Angel narrowed her eyes.

"Well how do we know it wasn't you?" She spat.

"I was in my room the entire time. Did you ever hear me leave?" Haley lied. Her eyes were hard and menacing. They were always like that when she was angry, which was a lot, lately.

"Maybe it just fell." Bradley said, "Did you ever think of that?" He looked at both girls and Haley blushed a little. Of course she had a crush on her twin's boyfriend.

"Whatever. You get to explain it to mom." Angel said. Just then the front door opened and Darla, Haley's mom, walked in. Her hair was disheveled and she looked exhausted. Her eyes narrowed when she saw Bradley, with lipstick on his face, no less.

"What do we have here?" Darla asked. Angel stared at the floor guiltily and Haley smirked at her sister.

"Um... I better go..." Bradley said. Darla narrowed her green eyes at him. Mom mode was activated.

"Yeah, you better. And if you ever come over here without my specific permission again, I'm calling the authorities for trespassing." Bradley practically ran out the door with his backpack. When the door shut, Angel screamed.

"Mom! What were you thinking?" She hollered.

"No! Angel!" Darla yelled back, her voice raising above her daughter's, "What were YOU thinking? You know the rules of this house! No friends over while I'm gone, and I see that you have been disobeying me. This isn't the first time is it?" Angel stood stone faced, glaring at Darla. Darla turned to Haley, demanding an answer with her eyes.

"It's not..." Haley whispered. Angel whirled around and glared at Haley. Haley slunk off to her room and hid while yelling and screaming echoed through the house. The argument ended with Angel losing all privileges, driving and cheer included, all her electronics, and being under house arrest for two weeks. Haley smirked at the ceiling, taking joy in the justice that followed. Finally, Angel got what was coming to her. She should have listened to me, Haley thought.

A few days later, a letter came in the mail for Angel. She was sulking in her room and Haley ripped open the envelope.

"Dearest Angel,

Would you do me the great pleasure of accompanying me to my valentines party?

Love, Your Prince, Bradley."

Haley glared at the paper with tear filled eyes. Of course. She heard Angel's door open and she shoved the paper in her pocket.

"Anything come in the mal for me?" Angel asked. She sounded depressed. Haley shook her head quickly and walked into the kitchen. She pulled out another snack and returned to her room. She tossed the paper into her trashcan, knowing how awful it was of her. But it wasn't fair. I should get to go with Bradley, not Angel, she thought. She let one tear slip and she curled up on her bed. Sleep overtook her guilt ridden body.

Days passed and Angel was no longer house bound. Which meant she was hardly ever home. Whatever, Haley thought, it's not like she would have hung out with me anyway. Haley wished they were still best friends, but it was painfully obvious that they weren't anymore.

The day of the party, Angel was sulking around, depressed that Bradley hadn't asked her to go.

"I can't believe he did this!" She cried, tears were streaming down her face. Haley offered minimal comfort, knowing that she did get asked, but she didn't know about it. She patted Angel's back.

"Sorry, sis. I guess he was just another jerk." She said. Angel's head whipped up and she glared at Haley. Mascara was staining her cheeks.

"No. He isn't. He's the nicest guy I've ever met. But you wouldn't understand." Angel spat. Haley stood up and walked outside, staring at the frozen ground. Suddenly an angry shriek pierced the air. Haley ran back inside and collided with Angel, who was holding a pink paper in her hand.

"I went in your room to tear a few things up," Her voice dripped venom, "And I found this." She thrust the paper in Haley's face. The invite. "How could you?" She shrieked. She pushed Haley down and ran into her room. Angry screams could be heard, but Haley knew that she was getting ready and calling Bradley. An hour before the party, Haley walked into Angel's room.

"I'm sorry, Angel." She said. She didn't even convince herself.

"Whatever. No you're not. And besides, I DON'T forgive you." She spat. Haley's face hardened. She reached above Angel's walk in closet and pulled down the key. When they were little, they would lock themselves in, but the door could only be opened from the outside, so they usually were stuck there for a good four hours.

Haley looked at the key. They she grabbed Angel by the arm and pushed her into the closet. Angel screamed and jumped out at Haley. Their brawl lasted minutes, and both had bruises before Haley gave one final shove, shut the closet door, and locked it. Angel screamed from inside. No remorse showed on Haley's face. She walked into her room and pulled her hair out of her braid. She pulled on a golden dress and ran her hand through her curled hair. She looked decent. She pulled off her glasses and applied her make up. She looked just like Angel had. Perfect. She walked into Angel's room, where she was still screaming.

"Haley! Whatever happened to blood being thicker than water?" She screeched. A phrase constantly used by their mother, whenever they fought over a boy. Haley shrugged.

"I guess I'm just thinning the blood a little." She said. She grabbed Angel's phone and keys and bolted out the door. Her mom wouldn't be home for another few hours, so she was safe. She took Angel's car and drove to Bradley's house, where she told him she'd meet him. She parked the car and ran in his house, the party well under way. She walked calmly up to Bradley.

"Hey, sorry I'm so late. I had a bit of car trouble." She said. He smiled and planted a kiss on her cheek.

"Don't worry about it." He cooed. They began dancing and the time seemed to slip away. She wound her arms around his neck and stood close to him, reveling in the feeling. He leaned down after what seemed the twentieth song and placed his lips tenderly on Haley's. She kissed him back and he smiled and growled at her eagerness. But of course, the moment was ruined by a scream of anger and pain. Bradley's head whipped around and Haley stared at the source. How had Angel gotten out?

"How could you do this to me!" Angel screamed. True pain showed in her voice and tears waterfalled down her face.

"Haley, calm down." Bradley said to her.

"I'm not Haley!" She screamed. She pointed at the imposter, "She's Haley!" Bradley looked between the two sisters. It was obvious that he couldn't tell them apart. Angel looked awful. She was bruised, tear stained, makeup smeared, and her hands were cut. What had she done to get out of that closet?

"Well one of you is Haley. Which one?" Lydia said. She looked between the two of them. A quiet boy walked over to them. He was one of Haley's only friends. He looked at Angel for a minute and then walked up to Haley. He looked down into her eyes. Then he backed up a bit.

"This is Haley." He said, pointing to her. Haley's eyes fell and tears filled her eyes. Angel cried softly as Bradley ran over to her, kneeled in front of her and begged for forgiveness. Haley just stood there, until she walked out of the building. Angel joined her after a minute.

"Bradley and I just broke up." She said, no malice in her voice. "And, in a way, I'm glad you did that... I got to see for a while what you feel like all the time... Alone, your sister ditched you... And when I watched you with my friends, I saw how I had been treating you... It's not okay what you did, and it never will be. But the same goes for what I did." Her voice held anger and hurt.

"I guess no one gets a happy ending this time." Haley said.

Comments & reviews · 3
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User avatar
Casanova
Review

Heya, Eevee! Cassy here with another review!

confetti is blown out of cannons, the crowd goes wild, I scream,"LAST SHORT STORY IN THE PORTFOLIO If you can't tell, I'm having fun with this. To the review, anyway!

Okay, the first thing I haven't noticed before, but I guess I'll go back and look to make sure I didn't miss it in your other short stories. Now, it's paragraph structuring. Normally you're slow to unravel things, and leave the more dramatic stuff leading towards the end of the work. Like, build up so to speak. But, here at least, it's different, The first paragraph switches ideas. The first one being the girls life is being changed, then her appearance, then her twins appearance and whatnot. Do you see what I mean? Those things don't correlate together. They're separate ideas, and separate thoughts and shouldn't be in the same paragraph together. At least that's my take on it, but I could be completely wrong and you should smite me now if I am. I'm tired. Hush.

Anyway, on to the next thing- dialogue. It seems better in this one, like you put a bit more of thought into it. I'm not going to complain, Props for that.
The next thing I noticed- you still hold strong your weird phrasings and such that I'm starting to think are strictly how you talk, now that I think about it. Still, mixing styles or changing isn't always a bad thing. I'm always going to tell you to okay around with what you're writing, but don't write it if you don't feel it. Anyway, I'm on to the next conquest.

I hope this helped.

Keep on doing what you're doing, and keep on keeping on.

Your friend, Cassy

User avatar
leslieloo
Review

Hello! I am here to review your story. Just to let you know, I will be very honest, but please do not let my opinions discourage you from writing stories. If you are very passionate with writing, then continue on writing. Now, on to the review.

First of all, I think the plot is a bit cliche. One twin being the popular one and the other being the unpopular one. Another thing that I would like to point out is that the piece seems a bit rushed. Also, I think that you need to add more detail to the characters a bit more. For example, what are their appearances? You described the twins, but what about the other characters? What type of clothes do they wear? Also, add details about the settings in the story. What does their house look like? It's good that you described the girls' bedrooms, but try to be more specific. What size are their rooms? What things do they have in their rooms? Telling the reader what a character owns in their bedrooms lets them know more about the character.

You said "Hailey whispered" a few times in this piece. Just say it once. Also, describe a bit more about how Hailey reacted to the kiss between her and Bradley.

The scene with the twins fighting was a bit rushed. Add more to the fighting between the girls. For example, "Haley drew her fist back and threw it against Angel's eye, leaving a black mark on it". Something like that.

I hope that this review helped you in any way. If you would like, you can check out my story, "The Abduction" and leave a review as well. Have a great day and good luck on your piece! :)

User avatar
cpedro
Review
cpedro wrote a review · Mon Jan 11, 2016 10:43 pm

Hello EverWinter, here for a review.

To be honest and even though I get the message from this short story, I have to say I really didn't like Haley's personality, she is way to messed up. What she did to her sister is beyond stupid, even if I somehow understand her feelings of being left alone and being mocked by others. Because truth be told it's not really Angel's fault for Haley being so introverted.

There were a few mistakes that I noticed.

- 'But it wasn't fair. I should get to go with Bradley, not Angel, she thought.' You can't mix thoughts with narrative, you should find a way to distinguish both by either using bold or italic when you write down thoughts.


- 'The mail had come that day, and it changed Haley's life. She was seventeen, beautiful, and a twin. Angel, her twin sister, was the popular one. She had opted for contacts when she needed glasses, while Haley just got thick rimmed black glasses. Their mahogany hair was silky and straight. Angel was a cheerleader, but Haley was a ballerina. They both loved dancing, but in totally different ways.' You can break the first sentence and let it stay own it's own and then use the rest as a paragraph. Like this you can get the reader's attention to that specific sentence because as they read ahead they will see how important that sentence is. Besides if you keep them together, as the reader reads he feels like it doesn't flow, like suddenly talking about their carachteristiscs when you were just talking about an email leaves the reader confused.

- "Can you just come home and kick them out?" Haley pleaded.

"I'm sorry hun." She replied. "I'll have to deal with it after my shift."

"They'll be gone by then..." Haley whimpered.

"I know. I'll just deal with Angel." Her mom said. Haley bit her lip. If Angel found out she had told... There would be a huge fight... Haley hated fighting with anyone. Especially her sister.

"Please don't. Just let it slide... I don't want her to know I told you... I don't wanna fight with her." This part here doesn't make much sense because first she tells her mom and wants her to come home to kick them out, but right in the next second she doesn't want her to come because then Angel will find out. It's a bit like you're contradicting yourself. Unless you wanted Haley to change her mind through out the call, and if you did then you should find another way to explain that.

- 'She assumed everyone had left, but she still heard murmuring and giggles from Angel's room.

Haley pressed her ear to Angel's door.' In here you shouls add something like 'Haley rose from her bed and walked to her sister's room and pressed her hear against it.' Because on the above paragraph she is lying on the bed and sunddenly she is at her sister's door. i know that in narrative some things can be omisse because they are implied, but in this case we are talking about actions and they should be included in the story.

-'A quiet boy walked over to them. He was one of Haley's only friends. He looked at Angel for a minute and then walked up to Haley. He looked down into her eyes. Then he backed up a bit.' The sudden introduction of another character seems too out of the blue. Instead of having someone recognise Haley you should have one of angel's friends recognise her because they had been introduced before so the reader is familiarized.


Well, that was it, I hope this proves helpfull and hope to see more in the future! :D



have u ever noticed how ugly rosy-lipped batfish r? and not like in the “aw ur so ugly ur cute” way that like opossums r — no they’re just hideously ugly beasts that should never have existed and r the epitome of evolution fails. the stupidity, blank look, head emptiness. they’re horrible n everyone who likes them r horrible too. they truly have the worst fan-base >:[
— Shady