Published January 1, 2016
"Hey Audrey!" I shouted over the music. She waved back to me and we began dancing to YMCA. Nathaniel smiled at me again and I blushed. Thankfully it was too dark to see it. The only light came from the strobe light the dancing lasers. My lungs were burning by the end of the song. Audrey waved me off of the dance floor and we ran into the commons area of the Recreation center. The Rec center threw an annual New Years Eve party and I had yet t miss one of them. Sure, I was only sixteen. And sure they had only had three of them, but still.
"We have to find Alli and Taylor." Audrey ran across the room and into the gym. I, like an obedient little minion, followed behind her. Alli and Taylor were two of our friends. Taylor was my best friend, but Alli seemed to only pretend to like me. Which was strange because Alli had a lot more in common with me. We were both book nerds and liked music and were a little awkward. Taylor was a dancer and was always really fashion forward and probably the most extroverted person in the group. Maybe we got along so well because we were so different. But when ever I think about it too hard, I feel like I'm the DUFF of our friend group. So I rarely thought about it.
"Where are they?" I asked, puffing behind Audrey. She turned back briefly.
"Last I saw they were hiding in the corner of the gym." She said, "Which is kinda weird cuz its super dark back there." I laughed and continued to follow. She soon slowed down and lowered her voice. "Guess what?"
"What?"
"You know I moved across town?" She said. I nodded. "Well the family that moved in has the hottest sons. And their our age!" She practically squealed. I nodded and smiled. Two new hot guys in my neighborhood. What a good deal.
"Really?" I said back, "What's their names?"
"Nate and Mark." She said back, "They go to church with us too!" How would she know that? Oh right. They probably went last Sunday. I had gone one vacation for Christmas. I hadn't gotten to meet them. Which meant every other teenage girl had already met them. They wouldn't want to meet me. Freak.
We finally found them in a pretty dark corner and I shifted uncomfortably. Alli and Taylor were hanging out with another group of friends, one that I had never gotten along with. They all thought I was stupid and weird. I'm not stupid and weird though. I'm actually really smart, but they don't know that because I act dumb. And it's because when I was little, before I moved, people hated me because I was smart. So when I moved in Junior High, I got to pick my personality. I chose the ditzy blonde, not knowing that it would backfire.
They thought I was weird because I have very... unique sense of humor that is a mix between vulgarity and sarcasm. And if I wasn't cracking jokes, I was silent. Shyness was one of my weak points. People don't realize because I'm only shy with people I don't know very well and who don't like me. Maybe they think I'm stuck up. I don't pretend to understand their logic. It was stupid teenage girl logic, something I had never picked up on.
"Hey guys!" Audrey squeaked when we reached them. "Whatcha playin'?"
"Uno," Alli said, she paused to eye the two boys I didn't know. Nate and Mark I assumed. Mmm they were cute. But obviously step brothers. They looked absolutely nothing alike. "And these two are a bunch of cheaters!" She cried. I narrowed my eyes in confusion. Why was Alli flirting with them? She already had a boyfriend. One that had refused to go on a date with me a few months back with a lame lie about going to his grandma's.
I laughed a little dully, and stared at the floor. No one had bothered to say hello. What I found weird was that it was seven girls in the group... and two guys. What was going on? Two of the girls played the shy and sweet cards, one played the lets-be-friends-and-be-bros card, and three played the loud mouth let-me-throw-my-fun-loving-personality-in-your-face card. The only one that was acting normal was Taylor. But if she wanted to be their friends, she would have been speaking to them. She was definitely playing the I'm-going-to-ignore-you-to-impress-you card. Typical. I stared at them with a mix of confusion and disgust.
I was blushing, mostly because I did like them, especially Nate. He was really cute. But my problem was, I already had Nathaniel, who had a crush on me. I also had Nathan, a college boy that my sister set me up with. I was never pretty in any regard, until I got contacts, my form filled out, and I got some sense of fashion. Also, a great knack for flirting. That all exploded from me last summer and I was quite enjoying the extra attention it brought me.
"Rachel and I want to play the next round!" Audrey announced. She plopped on the floor and I slowly slid down next to her. Nate and Mark didn't even look up. I bit my lip. I had no chance with them... They were being hounded by a horde of teenage girls. Most of them much prettier than me. I didn't even want to think about what they had gone through last week at church, knowing that the girls there were the most boy crazy I had ever met. They probably thought they were in "The Selection" with so many girls vying for their attention. After a few moments of silence and Alli recklessly flirting with them, a group of boys walked up to the group of girls. Hayden, Alli's bae, stood tall and looked down at the group. He made witty jokes and teased Alli, who had of course begun to ignore Mark and Nate. How stupid were teenage girls? Even the smart ones. All the boys began to leave, and my resolve hardened. I, Rachel, wouldn't throw myself at Nate and Mark.
How could I be like those brainless girls anyway? No matter how it went, they would assume the worst about me, anyways.
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140,252 Literary Works • 673,068 Reviews
Heya, Eevee! Casanova here to review!
I've never reviewed a short story, but since I'm reviewing your entire portfolio I guess I'd better learn quick, eh? Anyway, I'm gonna give it a shot! To the review!
Okay, so, the first thing I wanted to mention was this-
The part that says,"Alli and Taylor were two of our friends." This strikes me as odd for a couple reasons. The first reason is the sound of it. I wouldn't randomly give this out to the reader a couple of sentences after the two being mentioned. In my opinion you could take out the dialogue and write it(as an example)-
"Audrey ran across the room and into the gym in search of our friends Alli and Taylor. Taylor was my best friend, Ally;however, seemed to pretend to like me."
In my opinion this may help you out. Less unnecessary dialogue, and has an over all better tone to it. You're giving us the story and the details without using dialogue, which I think most of the time is a lot better than if not.
The next thing I noticed was this-
The usage of asked and then puffing bothered me. When someoene's puffing, they're out of breath, and you don't want to constantly use,"he said,","she asked,","he muttered."Use different methods of stating how to speak. An example of this would be-
""Where are they?" I managed to cough out, my breath sticking within my lungs.
That's not the best way to write it, but you get the gist of what I'm trying to say?
I think you should add a,"how," to the first part- "You know how I moved across town?" It gives it a more real feeling to it, as if someone was actually talking and not just a robot. The next thing is,"their," should be,"they're." You know the grammar rules- I've talked with you enough in chat to know you know how to grammar correctly.
The comma placement bothered me. The flow just doesn't seem real. Try writing it like,"But my problem was I already had Nathaniel, who already had a crush on me." Or just get rid of the comma's.
Anyway, I'm stopping here because I have a lot of your other stuff to review. I hope this helped.
Keep on doing what you're doing, and keep on keeping on.
Your friend, Cassy
Hi EverWinter,
I really like your story! Is there a part II? I just have one thing to pick on. Why Nathan and Nathaniel? They are technically the same name so the reader may be confused and could belive they are only one person. I really liked the "cards" that the girls played but, I recommend for you to try to play around with the words so there aren't that many words that say "card". I don't know if you understand. I also really like your way of writing! Dm me if you need anything!
EmmaEaton
Thank you!! I will definitely fix those things. I honestly didn't catch the whole "Nathan" and "Nathaniel" thing. And there is a part two, called Ice Skating, Ice Breaking. Link Ice Skating, Ice Breaking
Also, there's a part 3 and 4. Slow Dancing, Slow Crashing. Death wish, Death Grip. Just if you wanted to know. Thanks <3
You played a superb style of the characters in your story. I liked it very much .Even I'm bit inspired by your writing style.
It could be interesting if you extend it more by a mesmerizing climax or "a turning point in the story ".
Thank you !!!
(And you can follow me on "sayantan4119")
Thanks
*follows*
Hello! Here to review another one of your stories.
Okay, let's talk about the grammar. There were a few grammatical and spelling errors here and there. Here's an example:". Thankfully it was too dark to see it." You should place a comma after "thankfully".
It would be great if you would describe the characters more. Describe their personality, their appearance, and all that good stuff.
Here's one sentence that you need to work on: "Taylor was my best friend, but Alli seemed to only pretend to like me. Which was strange because Alli had a lot more in common with me." If Taylor's the main character's best friend, tell us more about her. Another thing I would like to point out is that you repeated Alli's name twice. Try this sentence. "Taylor was my best friend, but I always had a feeling that Alli was only pretending to be interested in me, which was ironic since we both had so much in common." Also, why does Rachel think that Alli doesn't really like her? How does Alli show that she doesn't really like her?
Try describing Nate and Mark more. What are they like? What do they look like? How do they feel about Rachel? Do they like her? Also, what is it about them that makes them so attractive?
I hope that this review didn't, in any way, offend you. This was to help strengthen your writing skills. Hope it did. Have a great day!
I really like the love triangles and rectangles going on. You really got me into it. Some grammar could be fixed like near the beginning you wrote "What's their names?" You should put "What are their names?" It was probably just a typing mistake but "is" is singular "are" is plural. Overall though you did a fantastic job with the characters, maybe explain the two hot guys a little more, like maybe a back ground story when she first saw them and maybe her heart sank and her knees went weak. Or maybe you have more to come, in that case I can't wait to read it. Great job keep on writing.
I actually really enjoyed this, and I'm really picky when it comes to reading material.
I really want to read more, you captured her perfectly!
I saw short story and though oh yay a whole piece and got left hanging
I think the scene she stumbled onto was a bit sketchy, I got the impression they were doing something naughty like strip poker or something; I was confused as to why they were all ignoring the boys, yet still engaging with them. that bit was a little weird, maybe you should had slipped in their personality's or some dialog.
Overall I cant wait for more!
Mikki.