The wall stood high above the ground,
showing no signs of tumbling down.
The humans stood in wonder,
How do we get past the thunder?
"A TEST" one shouted as clear as can be,
"A test to see who is worthy you see"
"What test?" a man shouted,
"A Test- an accomplishment... knowing what's best"
"For us?" another shouted,
"Yes my brave man, now accomplish something and be outed from the chains of sin"
Each human looked in wonder.
Each human started to ponder.
What accomplishment could,
save them from dark pains of nothingness?
"Save them from the dark pains... Ofcourse!" one thought,
"EURIKA" he sounded, everyone shook.
"Love" he yelled and slowly but surely he was lifted from the ground
and disappeared without a sound.
The silence rang through the world... then,
"HOPE"
"FREEDOM"
"GOOD WILL TOWARD MEN"
"SACRAFICE"
"CHILDREN"
"COMPASSION OF MEN"
The wall slowly shook and to everyone's delight,
it fell to the ground rumpling with might.
"ADAM! You did it" a woman shouted,
Free from her chains she ran to the man.
Who stood to them all as the saviour of man.
"Eve!" he gasped, taking her into his arms.
"My children, I have done it... we are free at last"
Hello! Like creativityrules said, this is all just my personal opinion so you don't have to listen (I realized that you couldn't listen anyway, you can only see/read..), or think about it, it's all fine. But I do have some input.
I don't really think there should be a comma in between could and save, even if it is at the end of a line.
Others have already commented on these two stanzas, so I won't say much. Sinse the last line is so much longer than any other line in the poem, the flow kind of died for a bit. When I was reading it, it felt like a run-on sentence, to be honest. Sometimes there are words that can summarize what you're trying to say, so I guess I'm ssaying try to find those words when you have a really long line so you can keep it at about the length as the rest of the lines.
Other than those things, I actually did like the message this gave, love will conquer, or something to that effect. That's about it from me, I suppose...keep writing!
wow I was just stumbling between writers, and I found this poem. And yes I found love. This is spectacular spectacular--haha mulan rouge. . anyways, back on track this poem is great, I was so drawn into it that I saw no errors, but don't take my word for it. I love reading poems and such about creation, and seeing others takes on it. This is actually a really cute, inspiring take, and as I said before- I love it. Also the stories within the poems are always the easiest most fun to read so kudos to you my friend!
Love, Little Lion Woman
I get what you all mean! No harshness intended, this isn't my best work. Thanks for you're comments you helped! X
Hello there!
First off, just remember that everything I'm writing is simply my opinion. I'm not saying that I'm right, I'm just saying that it's the way I feel. So, yeah. here goes.
The first thing I noticed while reading this piece was the way that this part of the poem differed from the parts before it. While the previous parts rhymed, this one didn't. Maybe you intended for the words 'test' and 'best' to sort of replace the rhymes, but it didn't work for me.
I guess the main thing that I didn't like about the poem was the overall feeling of it. I couldn't really find one, to tell the truth. It seemed a little unfocused, and it didn't pull me into the story the way I like poetry to.
I know I'm sounding sort of harsh. I'm sorry. If I could give one piece of advice that would improve this poem, it would be to pick one style and stick with it through the entire thing. I think that, had you done that, it would've been a much more successful piece.
Always keep writing!
Hello EvensLily. I'm sorry to say, but I did not like this piece. Reasons are given forthwith:
First, your rhyming. A lot of people on YWS say "don't rhyme, it detracts from the content rah rah rah". I'm not one of those people. My own work often rhymes. There are two tricks to rhyming successfully, however. First, and most importantly, never ever sacrifice the integrity of yourmeaning by trying to fit it into a rhyme. A profound work with no apparent form is preferable to a pretty work that ultimately says nothing. Secondly, plan your rhymes. Usually, this amounts to being consistent. Some of your couplets here are pretty good, straightforward rhymes:
Among others. However, some are not even close. I'm not saying you're not allowed to break the rules. It's always interesting to see someone break the rules in a creative way. However, when breaking the rules you must remember two things (and this applies to any rules - syntax, grammar, form, punctuation, capitalisation, etc.): first, you can only break the rules if doing so would profoundly add to the message of your piece. Don't break the rules just for the hell of it, only do it when you need to. Second, in order to break the rules you must first completely and absolutely understand the rules. It appears to me this piece only rhymes when it was convenient to do so. Either edit the piece and make sure each couplet is the strongest rhyme it can possibly be, or scrap the rhyming altogether.
Second, form. Similar to the rhyming, you begin with a very definite form but quickly become lost.
Three solidly set out stanzas, then two that completely ignore what has just been written. The last one here sits especially poorly, with that line so much longer than the others. These are just a few examples. Again, in order to break the rules you must know and be able to follow the rules.
Finally, content. Your meaning is pretty clear right from the outset. Humans blocked by a wall presumably representing sin. Various things being able to overcome the wall until it breaks down, everyone is happy. It's your theology I have a problem with. I'm not a christian and I do not believe in god, but I know the bible fairly well. Read Ephesians 2:8 and reflect on the difference between the message of the verse and the message of your poem.
I always hate giving 'nasty' reviews, but I'm here to help your writing not your ego
K.