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16+ Language Mature Content

(Introduction + 1st chapter) TITLE TBD, FANTASY/ROMANCE (SUGGESTIONS REQUESTED!)

by EveWrites


Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for language and mature content.

The sword was heavy in her hands, the dark, old handle flaking off and staining her smudged hands. She twisted it around and swung it over her shoulder with great difficulty, and smiled with success.

“See, it’s perfect!”

The room was dark and smelled like iron and hay, and weapons scattered the floors and walls.In it, a girl who looked to have been no more than 12, stood next to her older brother. Even if you were unfamiliar with who these people were, it was clear that they were related. They shared the same pale, freckled skin, large, friendly eyes, and large smiles with crooked teeth. Though, this time, the boy’s normal smile was contorted into a grimace, his eyes narrowed, disbelieving.

“Sev, I don’t understand why you are so eager to start learning. I put it off as long as possible when I was your age. Besides, you know mother and father would kill me if they knew I was letting you even look into this stuff.”

Sevyn nudged her brother, a mischievous glint in her eyes, smile widening.

“Must mean I’m braver than you. You're always stuck in your stupid books, I guess I’ll just have to be good enough for both of us!”

He rolled his eyes and turned around to ravage more of the weapons, searching for a sword better suited to his sister, lighter and smaller. His blonde hair almost glowed where the sun hit it, and his messenger bag which carried his books, had a silver tag, where the name ‘Jace’ was visible.

Successful, Jace brandished a small, dull sword, and a matching dented shield. At the reveal, Sevyn wrinkled her nose, hesitantly picking them up. It was clear that they had been at the bottom of the pile for many years now, and she sneezed when she brushed off the thin layer of dust that covered it.

“Jace…could you have Gunner make me a better sword…and shield?”

Jace scoffed.

“No. You're 15, you don’t start your formal training until you're 17, at least. You still look AND act like a child, and even then, you'll only be taught basic defense maneuvers, girl’s don't even get combat training.”

Sevyn crossed her arms, grinning.

“I could convince Mom and Dad to let me start early. Aaaaaand I’ll train on my own, and be the greatest warrior princess the world has ever seen!!!”

Jace just shook his head, and turned his attention back at the pile of weapons, reorganizing them.

“You and I both know that's never going to happen. Besides, I don’t trust most anyone with a sharp sword, let alone you.”

Sevyn sighed and turned to walk out of the weapons room. Over her shoulder, she called back to Jace.

“I’m gonna go talk to Gunner. I'm sure I can convince him!”

“W- don’t you dare. I mean it, Sev!”

Chapter 1

The castle sat on the ledge of the magnificent cliff, and a turret shot up even further over the cliff, and when Sev would sit on her windowsill, she imagined she was inside of a floating castle, like what she read in storybooks, or what her friends told her the castles in the north looked like. It was the best bedroom in the entire castle, and her parents had given it to her. But the honor was slightly dampened when Sevyn was made aware of the prophecy which very clearly stated, that her parents had to keep her safe and happy.

It was also the messiest bedroom in the entire kingdom. A mannequin meant for styling hair and practicing dancing leaned limply against the wall, ninja stars embedded in its plastic, slashed and torn, from when Sev attempted to self-train. The walls were covered in pictures of knights and fighters and gladiators, with Sev’s face pasted over them. The floor was a mess of energy drinks and protein bars. In short, Sev was the least like the princess her parents tried to raise.

Sitting on her windowsill and staring blankly outside, Sev talked to herself. Well, not really. She was sitting beside her best friend (and also taboo ‘commoner’), Iza. But Sev was so wrapped up in her thoughts that she talked as if she were reasoning with herself. Iza was busy sewing her mother's linens, but still tried to listen.

“I swear I was switched at birth, or something. I mean, I want nothing to do with being a princess. That girl at the market, the one who almost ratted me out to my mom, know her? She’d make a better ‘princess’ than me, I’d bet. Yknow, cus princesses are obnoxious.”

At this, Iza snorted, and gave her friend a knowing look above her sewing work.

“Ok, girl, you and I both know you only don’t like her because she’s my friend. She’s not that bad. And you make a great princess, especially with your enthusiasm to learn.”

Sev blushed in embarrassment. But, then she rolled her eyes and sighed, propping her face on her hands.

“Sure, if princesses were allowed to actually have fun and do things…”

Twirling her hair in her fingers, Sev’s face fell, as she continued.

“Cause, sometimes I just wish I were born a commoner, like you and Gus. I just wanna be able to hang out with you guys, without worrying about dirtying my dress and mother finding out. Why should I care about balancing books on my head, eating only the blandest healthy foods, and staying pretty? And don’t get me started about the upcoming courting ball…”

Iza nodded understandingly. She set aside her project, and placed her hand on Sev’s arm comfortingly.

“Trust me, Sevyn, you make a great princess, and in the future, a great queen. I’m sure you will find a nice man who is next in line to some great kingdom, and you will have everything you want.”

At this, Sevyn scrunched her face up.

“But all I want is you guys and not some kingdom, and to be wed off to some boy!”

Iza smiled and pointed towards her eclectic room.

“Well, I guess you’ll just have to find a guy that’s ok with all of this.”

She gestured her arm grandly, chuckling, and stood up, brushing off her outfit, which consisted of shorts made of a tan canvas-like material and a grey oversized hoodie. Her dark tan skin was smudged with dirt from working earlier, and she tucked a strand of her blondish-grey hair behind her ear. Iza grinned mischievously, and in the light of the room, Sevyn couldn't help but stare at the white scar that adorned her cheek, like a small heart. She couldn't help but want to stand up and touch it, making her blush.

“Don’t worry about it Sev, I’ll be here to help you. But now, I need to go before your folks find me and exile me.”

Sevyn laughed, and sprung up, embracing her friend even though it meant her dress would get dirty. She led her to the window, and Iza hopped down, waved, and set off in the light of the sunset. Her hair shined and blew in the wind, and Sevyn stood there, watching her until her silhouette disappeared.


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Sat Nov 16, 2024 4:47 pm
vampricone6783 wrote a review...



Hello there, human! I'm reviewing using the YWS S'more Method today!

Shalt we commence with the deranged S’more?

Top Graham Cracker - Sevyn is a Princess but wants to train for battle. Iza is a commoner who just wants to live a peaceful life. The both of them are dearest friends, but perhaps amidst their love, there is something more between the two of them…

Slightly Burnt Marshmallow - I think that you could put a space between “in” and walls, but that’s just one little thing. I would like to see more about how Sevyn and Iza met and became so close so we can get a better idea of their relationship, but I’m certain that will come in other chapters. I like this so far.

Chocolate Bar - The way the characters interact with each other has got to be my favorite part! I love how Jace seems to think that Sevyn learning how to fight won’t help her, because it shows how different they are and that sibling bond between them, like he’s her older brother, but sometimes steps in as a parent figure. (correct me if I’m wrong.) I also like that little conversation with Sevyn and Iza, it shows how much Iza cares for Sevyn and only wants the best for her!

Closing Graham Cracker - Sevyn and Iza have much waiting for the both of them! They talk to each other in the idleness of Sevyn’s castle, safe and sound, yet the mention of battle training could mean that there is a war to come…will they both be alright or will they come apart?

I wish you a glorious day/night! ^v^




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Points: 162
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Fri Nov 01, 2024 7:35 pm
HoliBanana wrote a review...



I must commend you on your engaging narrative and the immersive world you've created. Your talent for storytelling shines through in your vivid descriptions of the characters, their emotions, and the environments they inhabit. The dynamic between Milo and Sofia is portrayed with depth and nuance, and the introduction of characters like Lani, Melee, and Pallay adds an intriguing layer to the story.
The attention to detail is evident in the way you've developed your characters, making them relatable and believable. Sofia's determination and resourcefulness balance well with Milo's somewhat hesitant yet curious nature, creating a compelling dynamic that drives the story forward.
The magical elements you've woven into the story are fascinating, from the enchanted forest to Sofia's abilities to create food and establish protective barriers. These fantastical components contribute to the richness of the narrative and heighten the reader's curiosity about the world you've crafted.
In addition, your pacing is well-balanced, effectively blending action, dialogue, and reflection to maintain the reader's interest while providing necessary exposition. Your characters' conversations feel natural and serve to deepen our understanding of their motivations and relationships.
While I may not have specific suggestions for improvement, I want to encourage you to continue honing your craft and exploring your creativity. With a talent like yours, I have no doubt that you will continue to captivate readers with your imaginative and engaging storytelling. Keep up the fantastic work!




EveWrites says...


I think you commented on the wrong work.



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Points: 162
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Fri Nov 01, 2024 7:34 pm
HoliBanana says...






User avatar


Points: 162
Reviews: 4

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Fri Nov 01, 2024 7:33 pm
HoliBanana says...







But there was no goat man, there was NEVER any goat man!
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