Please excuse the square brackets, it's stage directions for myself.
I'd really appreciate ideas/ crtism to make it funnier/ more comedic
I've competed, well… [angry/bothered] participated, in a lot of sports. And over the years, trophies pile up. And they're all plastic! I've never won anything good. So now I have these plasticy doo-dads that shame me. It is [exasperated] painful. I'm serious. [Straighten invisible tie] It's an epidemic.
At the end of the season, my coach, at whatever time…whatever sport... would haul in this [spread arms] big box of [hand above head] huge trophies. Then he'd pull them out [pull out trophies] one by one. [Deepen and roughen voice] “I’d like to recognize everyone here today… Natalie gets the two foot tall [ spread arms two feet vertically] MVP award. Holly gets the three foot tall [spread arms a little wider] Loudest cheerer award, Shelly gets the tweeeeee[ run to one side of the stage to the other] eeeeeeeeeenty feet best sport award…” [pause, look at an invisible list] then he'd get to me. “[confused deep voice] And you… what's your name again? You played on the team, right? Well then. You- you get...[Reach in pocket and pull out trophy] the three inch participation award! Woo-hoo!”
*Yaaaaaaaaaaaay [jazz hands]… no. [Hands down in sulky teen posture]
And even worse than the participation award... the [over enunciate] ‘100% award.’ I can't tell you how many are in my closet… it's embarrassing. It's like telling you [jump back and forth in a runner position] “hey, even though you got last place, you gave it your all. Even though you made us lose, you gave it your all. Even though you are a crappy player and we never want you on the team ever again...… [Pause and be super peppy] you gave it your all. And we all appreciate that. [Pause… look suddenly stern] Now get out.” Then I'd receive the plastic award with a little cup at the top that would break the moment you touched it. [Snap the top of the trophy off, throw it behind]
The worst experience I can recall is when I competed in a five-person competition. I had injured myself earlier and hardly did anything. I didn't expect to get an award, at all
And I wish I hadn't. When The judge began handing out the awards. They had a first place, second place and third place trophies and a fourth place medal. Now, because I didn't really do anything in the competition, they didn't really want to award me. So they resorted to insult.
They had a small, plastic, [rant] again. Why PLASTIC[look up to heaven as if WHY?], medal for me. It was previously a fifth place medal. Which is insulting enough. But it had been covered with tape… and written on that tape, in fading pink sharpie pink sharpie were the words ; participation award!