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I wish to stay forever

by Evangeline


What is holding me back?

Why the same grief?

Same pain is tearing me apart?

Why do people who I never thought of became a part.

Somedays I'm asked what do I hate the most

And now I realize

I hate CHANGES

I often wonder was life never so blissful

Or the place and people I left behind are so dear

That saying goodbye was so tough that I stole off my eye

And couldn't even say a BYE

This journey gave a weird realization

Wherever I be I wish I be there FOREVER


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66 Reviews


Points: 100
Reviews: 66

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Sat Feb 09, 2019 9:11 pm
Starve wrote a review...



Hi Evangeline. Traves here for a quick review.
Welcome to YWS!

Feel free to discard any criticism you don't find useful.

-On my first read, I like the fact that this was a short sweet read i.e. The length of the poem or specifically number of sentences devoted to a particular sub-part felt proportional to its importance in the narrative. So the poem felt complete at its current depth of analysis/description/exposition. Sure, a lot of things could be added if wanted, but they would have to be added uniformly to all parts of this work, so it appears cohesive. Although this might not seem a big deal, it is something I have always struggled with in my poetry and usually failed to do.

-Your spelling is fine, but there are a few grammatically awkward sentences-
i.Why do people who I never thought of became a part.
-> it should be "why did"

ii. Somedays I'm asked what do I hate the most
-> would be more palatable if rephrased as "sometimes I'm asked what I hate the most"

iii. That saying goodbye was so tough that I stole off my eye
-> "stole off my eye" isn't an english phrase AFAIK, correct me if I'm wrong. It feels like the literal translation of a phrase from another language. Although that isn't always a wrong thing to do, it generally should be avoided as its meaning might be misconstrued, given the fact that phrases and idioms are language-specific and refer to something other than their literal meaning. I'd suggest something like " that I couldn't look them in the eye" etc.

iv. Wherever I be I wish I be there FOREVER
-> it could be " Wherever I am, I wish I'll be there FOREVER"
or
" Wherever I'll be, I wish I could be there FOREVER" or something of that sort.

- Punctuation/Capitalization —
i. "I often wonder was life never so blissful
Or the place and people I left behind are so dear
That saying goodbye was so tough that I stole off my eye"

this needs either punctuation or line breaks in its place, perhaps as —

"I often wonder, " was life so blissful..." " (you can also use italicization in place of inverted comas)

or

"I often wonder
was life never so blissful..."

A few places would be better off with similar changes.

I'd suggest going through these posts which are really helpful in understanding some of the benefits of poetic freedom —
Punctuation in Poetry
Capitalization in Poetry

Other than that, I mostly have suggestions on what could be added —
You might try exploring all the themes/ideas/emotions in this piece in a bit more depth. Try talking about how their effects showed up in real life, how you realized or identified them. For example, how you realized you hated change, why you hate it or who were the people you couldn't look in the eye as you bid goodbye, or what were the smaller reasons why they became a part of your life.

This could be done with the aim of making it more relatable to the reader while simultaneously giving more space to use metaphors/simile or my personal favourite, imagery.
Consider browsing these —
https://education.seattlepi.com/types-i ... -6898.html
Brevity and Imagery - How to Incorporate Those Two?

All in all, I liked this poem which has a relatable theme at its core, and I actually don't have any major criticisms in the work as it is.
Feel free to ask any questions.

Keep expressing and writing!




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279 Reviews


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Reviews: 279

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Fri Jan 18, 2019 12:04 pm
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Horisun wrote a review...



This is a great poem. It was very enjoyable, however, for the first few lines, you had punctuation, but the rest, it was no where to be found.
Also, the line "Somedays I'm asked what do I hate the most" could be improved. Maybe its just me, but It might have flowed a bit nicer if it went more like, Somedays I'm asked, "What do you hate the most?" Or, Sometimes I'm asked what I hate the most. Maybe its just me.
Overall, this was a wonderful poem, and I can't wait to see more from you!




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562 Reviews


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Fri Jan 18, 2019 4:31 am
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FlamingPhoenix wrote a review...



Hi, Shikora here with a review.

So let's get to it shall we.

So this is a really good poem you have here but I did see one thing, and I'll get to that right now.
So what I saw is that in the beginning of your poem you have a good amount of punctuation.

What is holding me back?

Why the same grief?

Same pain is tearing me apart?

Why do people who I never thought of became a part.

But after these four lines you stop putting any punctuation in, and by doing that it affected the flow of your poem. So if your having trouble with putting commas and stuff in the write places then, just read your work aloud to yourself, and were ever you stop to take a breath you put some punctuation there.

But other then that small thing, I really liked reading your poem. I really liked the words you have picked, they just ran together like water, and that just made it a lot more enjoyable to read. And I'm sure over time you will be a really good poet. So good job.
I'm sorry if I don't point out about spelling mistake, because I'm not very good at spelling myself.

Well that's all from me for now, I really liked reading and reviewing your poem for you, and I hope to see more of your works on YWS soon. Never stop writing and have a great day/night.

Your friend
Shikora. :D




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Fri Jan 18, 2019 3:45 am
Evangeline says...







Forgiveness is the fragrance that the violet sheds on the heel that has crushed it.
— Mark Twain