The four stages of inflammation

I rekon this could go either way. While it didn't grab me and keep my attention too well, I did enjoy the concept and you have some lovely description (points to first sentance). I felt that it was a little... dare I say... boring. Of course I am no authority on poetry, as no one really is, so my opinion may mean nothing to you. Sall good =D


I don't think you should change a thing, it obviously means something to you, as poetry often does, and it is well written.

Nice work.


*hearts* Le Penguin.

I disagree entirely with Muffin and Misty's honorable opinions, in fact, that's quite contrary, saying it's pretentious and infantile. That's one of the thing that disappoints me with this site, if a work is put into one of these categories, it's not editing or giving specific feedback, it's a dismissal, the safe bet in case your opinion is too glowing in this age of intellectual cynicism. Pretentious in itself, frankly, and not constructive. And, wordy? Pretty-words-strung-together? Reminds me of the invidia of the Italian composers in the play "Amadeus", dithering that Mozart had "too many notes".

Having said that, I'm all for shredding Inc.

I like your structure, the concept. Reminds me in some small way of Miano's "Encyclopaedia of Snow", v good using your strengths with your medical knowledge to give form and metaphor to the more impalpable emotional truths.

Initially Calor seemed the weaker, but when within the journey of the four sections, it works. You start with the lines suggesting form, the wash of it, then you become more specific, bolder, passionate, as the inflammation blooms.

I can't find the focus of turgor, but hey, you could be playing on turgid, in which case, yay, irony.

Rubor. Marguerite Durass, anyone?

Dolor's okay, I particularly like 'feathered dinner'.

Not altogether abominable, the better for further digestion. I rate this work three and a half shiney things and the hoard of a one footed magpie by the name of Surly Curse Word. Fine fun to be had by the whole family post-enema.

I disagree with Misty; I think the fact that your meaning is so difficult to find--the fact that it seems so arbitrary--really gives this piece its strength. I gave you most of my thoughts via AIM, but I will say that Rubor is still my favorite piece. Absolutely gorgeous, Brad.

This was very wordy and didn't do a thing for me. You seem to be trying to sound very smart, and maybe you are very smart, but the way this was put together seemed rather like a seven-year-old kid trying to be as good at cartoon faces as his art teacher.

I don't know what am I supposed to connect with when I am just trying to figure out what on earth it is you were trying to say. No threads are followed, nothing is connected. There's no tie-in for any of your words, and it all sounds rather pretentious and insubstantial. I highly doubt that tomorrow I will remember anything from this.


Muffin

Pretty-words-strung-together. I don't love it like I used to love your stuff. The smarter you get, the harder it is for me to connect to your work. It's poetic, but your intent is hidden.

Punctuation ameliorating ^_^ Though I wonder why you didn't use the same punctuation marker each time, unless this is only the dictionary-defined way of marking an aside.

Amelia,


See if the ameliorated punctuation is, in fact, an amelioration.


Thanks for taking the time to read,
Brad

I like how the titles set the tone for the following stanza (I had to look some of them up, but that made me appreciate them even more). But at the same time, I don't like them, it seems like cheating, sometimes. Eh, I think appreciation wins out here, though not by too much. Lovely imagery, as always.

She is in search of life, though she cannot sing
the fingers that folded her breast stuck a song in every crease.

I really liked this, especially the way you divided it. All the descriptions and analogies were really good. My favoirte was the one for Dolor because, first it was the longest and you got more out and second, it had the most feeling. My least favoirte was Turgor, even though I love the analogy at the end of it, I don't get a lot of feeling from it overall. Everything else was good though. Good job on this!

~Rieda