z

Young Writers Society


12+

The Advanced Saga Book One: Shadows Chapter 1.1

by Europa


Cayde

 Cayde continued pacing. Already her restless feet had worn a circular rut in the blanket of soft snow covering the forest floor. The sun was just beginning to rise, its weak rays broken apart by the spearhead tips of the pine trees. When he left, it had been setting. She watched the shadows of the trees grow along the ground. Four minutes. Five minutes. Ten. An hour. Images began flashing through her mind that made her question whether the chill settling underneath her skin was really from the bitter wind. Cayde pushed them away. He was coming back. He had to be.

An hour and a half. She began pacing quicker, fixing her eyes to the ground. Even when he ran into trouble, nothing took him this long. Cayde broke away from the worn circle of snow and fished out the bags from where they’d stashed them. “If you aren’t already dead,” She muttered furiously. “I’m gonna kill you.”

The hoot of an owl pulse through the air. Cayde looked up, shielding her eyes with hand. A small winged shadow was wheeling through the sky just over the treetops. It hovered in the air for a few moments as if looking for something, then dove below the canopy and out of sight. A few moments of heavy silence followed where Cayde could hear clearly the hammering of her own heart. A snowy owl swooped into the clearing and perched on a branch just above my head. Swallowing a sigh of relief, she glared at it.

“Well you’re home awfully late.” she could feel heat rising in my cheeks, burning against the cold air. Cayde clenched her hands into fists. The owl hooted in what vaguely resembled amusement, and began to change. Cayde folded folded arms and waited. He could do it quickly if needed, but Fen preferred to take changing forms slowly. Slow enough that she could watch the wings receding into his shoulders. The feathers giving way to pale skin. In minutes the owl had changed into a man. Tall and rail thin with wild brown hair. He grinned.

“Good morning to you too! Always a pleasure to come home to your happy smiling faaaaaaaaa--!” His remark snapped into an alarmed yelp as the branch snapped and he was sent tumbling into the snow with a damp thud. He scrambled into a sitting position. “Did you miss me?”

Cayde scowled harder, forcing down the knot of laughter bubbling in her chest. “Fen, you were supposed to be back by nightfall. What were you doing out there?”

Fen shrugged “Something illegal.”

Cayde sighed “Alright, let me rephrase this. What were you doing that we don’t do on a daily basis.”

Fen tapped his chin thoughtfully. “Hm…well, let’s see now. I went out to get supplies after curfew…got caught by a patrol of enemy soldiers…nearly died…escaped and made a run for it…nearly died a few more times…changed into an owl and flew back here. Sounds like our usual run-of-the-mill Tuesday to me.”

Cayde scowled. “Fantastic. Please tell me you at least came back with food.”

“Well,” Fen scratched his stubble “I did catch a mouse on the way over here, but I ate that.”

Cayde ran a weary hand over my face, temples throbbing gently. “Well…at least you’re okay.”

“Okay being a relative term of course.”

Cayde sighed again. “I guess we’ll just have to stop at the nearest settlement. Do we still have money?”

“Well, seeing as I was stealing things this time, I never spent any. So that would be a…” He hand traveled into his pocket and his face went slack.

“Fen” I glared “where’s our money?”

“That” Fen began slowly “is a very interesting story that I will save for later.”

Cayde was silent for a long moment. Fen’s eyes darted from side to side, as if searching for an escape route. Cayde laid her hand on his shoulders. “Fen, I love you. You know that, right?”

“Yeah.”

“Good. That’s good.” Cayde squeezed his shoulders “Because if you ever screw up this badly again, I will end you.”

Fen looked up at her wide eyed, and put his hands on her shoulders. “I’m too cute to kill,” He replied somberly. Fen smiled, and gave her cheek an affectionate pat. “Now off we go! Into the great beyond and all that! Come on, my fellow young freak of nature!” Fen ducked out of Cayde’s grip and pranced into the trees. Cayde stood there for a moment, watching his receding back slightly dumbfounded. She shook her head with a muttered “idiot.” And followed him into the woods.


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Wed Jun 14, 2017 1:06 am
PrincessInk wrote a review...



Hello there! So I clicked this because sci-fi and adventure sounds pretty cool ;)

Some technical notes: The pronoun switching. I see that you had originally used 1st person and eventually changed, but I just want to mention it because it kind of bothered me and it was a little difficult to go through the opening paragraphs. Hope this doesn't sound too offensive or anything, but those are just my thoughts.

So I agree a lot with MJ about the mood swings. I'm not a big fan of them and they threw me off a little. I can kind of understand the "Good, you're back home!" to "Why did you go out SO MUCH?" kind of transition, but the jumps (especially from "I love you" to "I'm gonna kill you" are so sudden that despite the fact that she's like that with Fen, it still felt startling. Since we're in Cayde's head for the moment, perhaps her inner monologue could smooth the swings a little.

I feel like Fen is a really fanciful man? He's quite different from Cayde's moodiness and I really like the way his light-heartedness adds to the atmosphere. I'm imagining that Cayde doesn't actually mean to kill him and he knows it and responds in kind. Like the "I'm too cute to kill" (*snickers*).

Another note I have is that the pacing of the dialogue is so fast. I'm suspecting that this is because the couple are having something like an "interview". Cayde is asking questions and Fen is answering them every single time. I know that the dialogue can't drag on too much (especially in the beginning) but the "Cayde: question; Fen: answer" style feels a little unrealistic. Most of the time, we don't answer questions in that rapid-fire feel and directness, right? It feels realistic that Fen will try to skirt around what happened if he's dealing with a cross lady.

Overall, this sounds like an interesting beginning. Makes me wonder what is the patrol of enemy soldiers about. One thing that disappointed me a little was that I expected to see some kind of sci-fi, but instead I saw something closer to fantasy instead...never mind, just a ramble. I feel as if, despite the mood swings and the pronoun mix-ups, the characters were established well.

That's all I've got for you! Good luck with writing this novel and I hope this helped :)

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Europa says...


Thanks for the review! As for the sci-fi, what you saw of Fen's powers do seem traditionally sci-fi, but it isn't by magic that he's able to do that. If you stay with it long enough, the mystery of who Fen and Cayde are and why they have these powers will become a lot clearer. You just sort of have to piece it together throughout.



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Tue Jun 13, 2017 6:06 pm
Atticus wrote a review...



Hey there! MJ here to save your work from the green room :)

In the first paragraph, you had a lot of pronouns that didn't line up with the perspective or had not been previously introduced. I put all of them in bold:

Cayde continued pacing. Already my restless feet had worn a circular rut in the blanket of soft snow covering the forest floor. The sun was just beginning to rise, its weak rays broken apart by the spearhead tips of the pine trees. When he left, it had been setting. She watched the shadows of the trees grow along the ground. Four minutes. Five minutes. Ten. An hour. Images began flashing through her mind that made her question whether the chill settling underneath her skin was really from the bitter wind. Cayde pushed them away. He was coming back. He had to be.


I also didn't really like the way Fen was introduced. You started with an unnamed "He" in the first paragraph, which is okay, but then Cayde mentioned him by name. Then you mentioned an owl who flew in, who turned out to be a male named Fen. It was pretty confusing and unnecessary, so if you wanted to have the suspense of an unknown character coming home, I would drop the name-mention and just say "If you aren't already dead, I will kill you."

Cayde's character also seemed pretty inconsistent. She started out as an anxious wife pacing and waiting for her husband(?) but then got a little angry, but you didn't completely pull off the casual anger that I think was meant here. If you were going for a passive-aggressive feeling, that's frankly not what I felt here. She just seemed to be in a permanent mood swing, jumping from "I was so worried" to "Tell me exactly what you were doing that took you so long" to "At least you're okay/that's all that matters/ I love you" to "By the way, I will kill you if you ever do anything like that again." It was a lot of switches that occurred really quickly, so maybe turning that down a notch would help.

Overall, I thought it was a cute idea, even if some of the characters were confused. There wasn't a lot of plot action here since it was pretty short, so I didn't comment on that. You did set up for action in future chapters towards the end, which was good since it gave the reader a motivation to keep reading and see how it all turns out. I did like both of the characters, even though they could be smoothed out a little bit more. Let me know when you post the next chapter, and if you have any questions, you know where to find me :)

Best wishes,
MJ




Europa says...


Thanks for pointing out the pronoun switches. It was originally in first person and I just now decided to switch to third limited, so there may be a few slip-ups that I forgot to correct. As for Cayde's weird mood swings...well, it's kind of just how she is with Fen. Their relationship is a little complicated, but you come to understand it more as you go along.




The emperor is rich, but he can't buy another day.
— Chinese Proverb