Our Common Ritual

Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),

Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!!

First Impression: Well...this was a really fun little story...I just loved the way that you managed to connect up hell and the gym class here....you really did a wonderful job comparing it to hell and among the pretty funny description you really do see the flaws that you have in this kind of system in school...so...just an overall awesome story this one.

Anyway let's get right to it,

This is what hell looks like.

The rubber soles skid across the waxed floor. The air is humid from the drops of sweat spraying off their desperate bodies and the atmosphere stinks of must. Giggling and fumbling. Yelling and stressing. Their fervid palpitations beat like drums. Someone falls, screaming from the pain of his kneecaps against the hardwood. You cannot see his wounds but the striations slowly creep across his bones away from the human eye. He swallows his tears and continues to perform. Blood drips from a young girl's nose for she is delicate and the heat is much too intense. She is taken away for she can no longer perform to our liking.

The slow ones run around with scrunched up faces, trying to grab at the ball of glory. They're pushed away and disregarded because they are not up to par. Soon, they seem not to care. They loiter on the outside of the circle pretending it means nothing to them, but they're simply waiting for the chance to show their worth.

This is our ritual for our god. She watches over us whilst judging and evaluating. She stares us down and critiques our every move. She screams and yells when she is displeased, and smiles when she is happy with our work. The tears of those without potential does nothing to stop her rampage because the triumphant gratitude of those she finds worthy makes her feel powerful.

"Amazing," she says, "simply amazing. I've never seen anyone quite as good as you. You should be proud." And they are. Her smug look emphasizes not simply power, but the power to give other people power, and the power to take it away.

There is no fire or eternal damnation. The suffering is subtle but poisonous. There is no pain except for that in our hearts. There are no scars except for those on our self esteem. A system that destroys innocence and feasts on lost dreams.

I see it everyday. Nothing is different. Always the same. A cycle of darkness and deceit that brings comfort to some and rips the rest to shreds. Silent tears shedded from the faces of the witches and goblins that lie behind meticulously sculpted china masks. Amazing, how beautiful the lies can be and how ugly the truth.

This is gym class. This is school. This is society.

This is my hell.

I love this! Your use of metaphors between a high school gym class and a depraved society performing for a heartless goddess was on the mark. When I started reading it, and the rubber soles on hardwood floors came up, I did actually think of gym, but then I got so absorbed by your vivid imagery that the ending still came with a satisfying impact.

Personally I agree, as a bench warmer in my school, not to mention having been forced to swim in the deep end of the pool when I wasn't ready and was fished out by my sister... Yes, it was hell!

Your spelling, grammar and use of language were good, I personally saw nothing that stood out as a flaw in this writing. Oh, and I like this line:

Amazing, how beautiful the lies can be and how ugly the truth.

I find this very good. It's another way of seeing something which occurs in our school lives, especially one that seems to be loved by most students who'd rather get out there and run, than sit in a classroom to listen to another lecture. The first sentence drew me in - it made me want to see what hell was referring to. Good job for that. The details were also well-written. I could imagine what it must have been like for the persona. One thing though. I think this sentence "They loiter on the outside of the circle pretending it means nothing to them but are simply waiting for the chance to show their worth." could use a comma somewhere, maybe after the word "circle". It just seems like a mouthful for me without one.

Overall though, I like how you've written this story. It's concise. Nice job!

I think this is really good! It sheds new light on the subject of gym class.
The first sentence is a good eye catcher because it makes me want to read more.
This is well detailed. I can picture the images in my head very clearly. It reminds me of my own gym class and makes me think deeper about it.
The only nitpick is a tiny spelling error: pretending*
Overall, your short story is well executed. I'd like to read more from you
Keep writing and have an awesome day!