Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for violence.
Am I not real?
You may say, "You're speaking. So of course you're real." However, I beg to differ. The person who matters most seems to believe I don't exist. How can I argue with the one who created me? I know I shouldn't. Why? Well, that's because she's the reason I, well,...don't exist? It's a bit funny when you take the chance to think about it.
I used to feel alive. Well, as alive as any passing thought could be. I was never human though, not even a make believe one. I never wanted to be human. I was stronger and smarter than the humans I knew. And to top it all off, I was the princess of an all powerful species.
I went by many names. Your Highness. Your Majesty. Princess. Princess Excelsia. My dear. My daughter. The latter two were my favorite, spoken by the ones whom my world revolved around. I was young. I was happy. I was loved.
I was abandoned.
They left me for the comfort of their death beds. I remember the blood stained throne room. I remember the spear through my father's chest and the slit on my mother's throat. My tears wouldn't stop. My hysterical cries were louder than the cacophony of a million crows. I had stared into their lifeless eyes hoping I could drown myself in their stagnant blue irises and meet them in the afterlife. I clutched their wild green strands desperately and scratched at their baby blue skin. I shook them violently trying to bring them back, but nothing. No response. They were gone.
We had been attacked. It was a given we had no shortage of enemies but it was also believed that none had the audacity to defy us.
We were wrong. To our surprise, you can only have so many enemies before they decide that the enemy of their enemy is their friend. The blood curdling screams coming from the connecting hallways were proof of that. The carnage refused to let up.
I remember a mortally wounded knight bursting through the double doors covered in blood with a another - an unfortunate friend, perhaps - draped over his shoulder. The sight of his princess drenched with red, clutching the corpses of his king and queen was no doubt a surprise. He didn't hide it in his expression, but his face of shock quickly turned to one of pity, then determination.
"You must escape," he told me as he abandoned his friend's body. He made it his personal mission to get me to safety despite his imminent death.
Every castle has its share of secret passageways and ours was no exception. I followed him though the dark, dingy underground. As he struggled to drag his legs along the path, I wept like the scared, helpless youth I was. He brought me out to a forest. It was nighttime. The dark was sinister.
He leaned himself weakly against the trunk of a tree and let his body slide to the ground. I was to invested in myself to pay mind to his exhaustion. Tired, he rested his eyes and smiled, very much pleased with himself. That was his last act of loyalty to the throne.
I never said thank you. I never even thought to.
Because he left me alone when he should've left me to die.
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
Thanks for the review! It's very blunt and straight to the point. It's refreshing to be called mediocre. At least I know I have work to do. I'll take note of this in my future writing. ^_^
Hello, Euphalls! If you don't mind me calling you that. Here to review!
I love to see the word audacity there! Lovely word choice! There are some flaws I see, grammar stuff, no biggee. Since I get the sense that this is a trip down memory lane, should you say, We had been attacked? And another comma before that but.
So this leaves me feeling pretty captivated overall, and I want to know what kind of creation she is, and who in tarnation created her!
Nitpicks first, that's how I usually do things
And to top it all off I was the princess of an all powerful species." -- comma after off,
partway through I find myself liking the punchy-short sentence style. Especially that one-liner "I was abandoned." I mean, just really powerful delivery.
The latter two were my favorite spoken by..." -- comma after favorite,
...and my mother's slit throat." -- to just kind of make everything smooth, and match up, because the way this is seems a little abrupt of an end to the sentence. I have a suggestion as how to fix it. Since you show the spear with a preposition, through, it would sound more fluid if you gave one to the queen to. Like, ...and the slit across my mother's throat.
but nothing." -- Keep taking advantage of the style you have already set in place. Just say there, a one-word sentence, otherwise you'd need a comma before but anyway. Instead tho, you could just say. Nothing.
We were attacked. It was a given we had no shortage of enemies but it was also believed that none had the audacity to defy us. " -- I like this background information a lot, and especially the way you have delivered it!
hand in hand." -- hand to hand? or Face to face?
O.O That paragraph where the knight comes in is stunningly good. Very superbly written, gave me a chill.
He made it his personal mission" -- was unsure of who "he," is there. I think it is the knight?
nighttime there, just doesn't go well placed among the style of your writing. You have done so much better through out the piece, but I think you settled for less there.
The last couple lines are really strong. I guess this is a chapter and we will see where this is leading. so at the start it is mentioned that she has a good chance of not really existing, or something like that, which is intriguing. And at the end, the princess takes, what I see as a strange outlook of the knight who helped her--as if he had done something worse to her than let her pass on to the "comfort of [her own] deathbed"
And because of the info you have inserted in the previous parts of the chapter, I kinda get her feeling that way, kinda not. Which I like how both sides of that coin make me feel like I get something, yet still wonder.
So yeah, if this is the first chapter, I say keep going, because you sound like you've got a big plot building!
Thanks for the review! ^_^ Commas have always been a struggle for me. Thanks for all the heads up. The "hand in hand" part felt awkward to me as well, I tried my best to fix it. I understand how you feel about the nighttime scene. I did kind of rush it because this was originally supposed to be one short story, but when I was writing it got pretty lengthy so I tried to shorten it at the expense of a few scenes. In the end, I split it into two parts, but it think it will have to be longer if I don't want it to seem rushed.