crimson trickles
through my veins,
spiraling
into clusters.
the blood is colder
than i expected.
i must’ve
been wrong to
think blood
was lukewarm
but don’t cells
produce heat?
there must
be something
wrong here.
circulation slows.
i can feel
it in my fingers,
frost grows,
icicles form,
and the
blood runs
colder than ever.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
Hi there EtherealGarbage! Your poem caught my eye so I thought I'd drop by with a quick review ^^
(Also, if I make any stupid typos please excuse them; it's getting a bit late and my editorial skills quickly deteriorate the later it gets whoops!)
I adore this opening stanza - it's so concise but the few words you do use are incredibly vivid. I've also got to admit, I'm quite fond of the colour crimson in poetry, so perhaps I'm slightly biased ;) Altogether, the use of strong descriptive words such as "trickles", "spiraling", and "clusters", works really well to set the mood and tone of the poem.
Something I really enjoy throughout the poem is your repetition of temperature phrases - first cold, then lukewarm, then heat, then frost & icicles, then tying it back up with cold again. It creates a sense of continuity and progression across the stanzas, which strengthens the effect of the poem. My only suggestion regarding this would be to try to spice up the words you use to describe the temperature. Sure, "colder" works just fine, but "more frigid", "freezing", "numbing", "icier", and "more wintry" have a bit more oomph, don't they?
These descriptions are pretty simple but they pack quite a punch! I just have one note about punctuation - you seem to be using conventional punctuation throughout the poem, so if you want to be consistent with that, technically you need a semicolon [ ; ] after "fingers", instead of a comma. However, punctuation is an artistic choice in poetry, so it's definitely not a must!
I really like how you switch up the formatting at the end of the poem with the indented lines! I want to suggest a couple of other formatting things you could play around with, but they're not necessary at all, so whether you implement them is totally up to your taste :)
First:
^I'd like to suggest you split this up into two lines:
as a pause between those two words would illustrate how the circulation is, in fact, slowing.
^What if you messed with the formatting to convey how something is wrong? For example, align the final line to the right, or align the middle line to the centre so the three lines form a zigzag - there are lots of different options!
^"spiraling into clusters" is a phrase full of so much movement and I'd love it if the formatting of the poem reflected that. You could do something similar to how you ended the poem, but moving right to left, like so:
Overall, I really enjoyed reading this poem. The lack of capitalization complements the simplistic imagery super well, and boy do you pack a lot into such a short poem! I think it'd be nice if you played around a bit with heat-related language and with formatting, but other than that, I don't have any real critiques! I hope this review proves useful, and if you have any questions feel free to ask.
Keep writing <3
whatcha
This poem is wonderfully formatted! Equal parts grisly and beautiful, a simple moment frozen in time by cold and immortalized by appropriately wintery and dispassionate words. But.... I don't think the last line fits :/ Read it to yourself again, and I think you'll see what I mean... I love the title though!
(I myself am TERRIBLE at creating interesting titles that summarize the essence of work.)
Oooooh I love this poem. It's a bit gruesome and one of those rare spine-tingling good poems that I read and just get this satisfied chill. I love your formatting with the varied stanza lengths and the short, abrupt lines. It conveys this shocked, confused mood perfectly.
The only thing I would change, and this is minor, truly, is the last line:
It doesn't feel right with the rest of the tone and flow, but then again, this may have been entirely intentional to show the whole abruptness of this "frozen blood". If it is intentional, than perfect!
Loved reading this,
Mordax
Try to meld the idea in the last stanza throughout the poem. You did well to keep the idea throughout.
Also, I love your name. EtherealGarbage. Greatness.