Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),
Well the final one that was uploaded. I think I managed to do it in an hour and a half.
First Impression: Yep this computer was definitely taught by HAL-9000 although it is a bit ruder. Anyway, pretty good chapter again although I get the feeling that the three previous parts could do just fine as one single part.
Anyway let's get to it,
He was still talking to the ceiling as if the shipboard speakers housed N.E.R.O. himself.
So the ship doesn't house N.E.R.O? Judging by all the information that N.E.R.O. gathered it seemed like it would need to be in the ship and using some form of camera or sensor to gather all that information.
"Of course he trusts you, Joshua, but he also knows you. His orders were not to interfere, no matter what, correct?"
Neat bit of foreshadowing right there except this now calls into question our prologue. By the way this is going it sounds like that first part should have simply been a part of the first chapter rather than the prologue.
But you, Joshua, value individual life more than this directive, do you not? If you had to let a man die to maintain our cover, would you?"
Sneaky character development. I love that. Also damn this computer says friend way too much but then it makes sense for a computer to say that so I guess you have no choice but to write it that way.
N.E.R.O.'s voice seemed almost soft now, much to Daniel's surprise. "I don't have a conscience, my friend. You know that." A brief silence.
That's definitely a very creepy response. I would've attempted to shut this thing down if it answered me like that.
"So that's where we're headed?" Joshua asked, analyzing the new dot. He had remarkable control over his emotions, and if Daniel hadn't witnessed his friend's outburst, he never would have guessed that Joshua had just been so angry.
That last bit is implied by the first but saying that he has remarkable control so you don't need to elaborate on that there. When you elaborate it sounds a bit like spoon feeding the audience.
"Really, Joshua, your mother must be very disappointed in your behavior. But this is what I have observed-- The structures seem to be build of mostly local, natural materials, suggesting a relatively unadvanced culture. The city has large walls, suggesting a culture dominated by war. I was also able to detect streams of movement between the structures, suggesting roads, and-- Remember I could not discern much from that altitude-- They moved in a manner not dissimilar to that of humanoids."
Either the programmers of this computer had a bad sense of humor programming the whole motherly rebuke part into it or this is sounding a bit too human.
After scanning the area for activity, N.E.R.O. cloaked the vessel and guided it to shore, the hatch opening soon after. As he stepped out of the capsule, Daniel was hit with the familiar smell of salt water. He had spent most of his life by the sea, as had all humans for the past few generations-- The world's landmass was now nothing more than a few islands. What was new to him, though, was the feeling of sand beneath his feet-- On Earth, every square inch of dry land was paved grey with concrete. He had the sudden urge to kick off his shoes and walk barefoot, but resisted it for sake of practicality.
After he took in the sight of the beach, Daniel turned around to inspect the ship. It cloaked itself some, with a heatproof screen on the outside displaying the landscape behind the ship, but if anyone got within twenty yards or so, they'd notice it.
Bit of awkward phrasing there. Might want to chop that word. The rest of the passage implies that well enough.
"Every word. Ready to get going?" Daniel smiled as he gazed out at the the inland route N.E.R.O. had pointed out to them. It led away from the beach in a steep, sandy incline for at least five hundred feet. After that, it leveled out, blocking his view. Though he knew that most of the journey would be a hard trek through the desert, Daniel was almost giddy with excitement-- He'd never seen this much wilderness before, let alone walked across it.
"Yeah, I am. I'm more than ready."
Sounds like the beginning of a great adventure.
And that's all for this one.
Overall: The personalities are developing nicely. The story is promising. I hope you update this soon. Please tag me if you do.
As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.
Stay Safe
Harry
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