Suicidal Moon

I live in this world,
Of confusion and doubt,
Where labels mean everything,
And I am labeled out.

I’m breathing, I’m breathing,
Though I’m not quite sure why.
I’m not at a point,
Where I can just try.

I cannot remember,
What it felt like before,
But my arms still remember,
They still keep the score.

What’s killing me now,
Are the wide cuts inside.
I can say I am free,
Say I have nothing to hide.

I can claim to be strong,
Say I’m healing with the skin,
But I can’t seem to stop,
This bleeding from within.

Sadness stains my eyes,
Dropping from blue.
I try so hard to fight,
But the tears still come true. Are you sure with this one?

I’m wandering now,
Lost and alone.
Happiness and the past,
Are things I can’t own.

The darkness creeps in,
Demanding red beads.
Telling me these pains,
Are my only needs.

Right next to the lines,
I place the blade.
My heart starts to run,
From choices I made.

I’m falling asleep,
To a deadly tune.
The one light in my life,
Is the endless moon:

Alone with the stars,
So bright in the sky.
But maybe even the moon,
Has reasons to die.

I'm not going to lie, when I clicked this poem I expected something much different. But this poem is actually incredibly good. I'm not too into the whole "suicide" or "wrist cutting" thing, but the way you wrote it made it very moving.
The last stanza was probably the best part for me.

You took me by surprise.

Hey this poem was really good and I really enjoyed the rhyme scheme. You said that you were sorry that the poem was lengthy but I disagree. Sure it's not one of the five line poems talking about something simple like a season but it's not a narrative poem either. I feel as if the poem was any shorter it wouldn't feel complete. Only critique I have is the punctuation. It seems that you were trying to keep the pattern of four lines per stanza with two sentences per stanza and two lines per sentence. The problem with this is that some of the "sentences" aren't sentences and some of the commas aren't needed as the two parts flow together nicely without the need of a pause. I hope this helps.

~Megan

Hey!
This poem was amazing! I was forced to reply to it.It was beautiful from beginning to end.The language was simple but the meaning was so deep and elaborate.I can't criticize it.So,great job.

Keep writing
.....july4ruby....

Your poem was beautiful and touching . I was able to picture your poem because of your detail and the emotion you put into it.
Great job

EternalSleep wrote:I'm sorry, it's rather lengthy.
---

I live in this world,
Of confusion and doubt,
Where labels mean everything, I really like these last two lines they are really nice and they flow well and rhyme well
And I am labeled out.

I’m breathing, I’m breathing,
Though I’m not quite sure why.
I’m not at a point,
Where I can just try. I dont know what it is about these lines but I dont like them very much it just seems awkard when I read it and it isnt as good as the first line. You said I'm not at a point where I can just try, I dont understnad that because everybody can try at something. It doesnt make any sense to me.

I cannot remember,
What it felt like before,
But my arms still remember,
They still keep the score.
Change "Cannot" to can't. And I dont understand, I think instead of score you should put something like sore or something.
What’s killing me now,
Are the wide cuts inside.
I can say I am free,
Say I have nothing to hide.
Now this is another good section that I like just like the first one.
I can claim to be strong,
Say I’m healing with the skin,
But I can’t seem to stop,
This bleeding from within.
Healing with skin? I understand what your talking about now, or at least I think it's about cutting but I'm not really sure anyways, I dont understand how you heal with skin. It doesnt sound very good.
Sadness stains my eyes,
Dropping from blue.
I try so hard to fight,
But the tears still come true.
Tears still come true? How do tears come true? You could say, I try so hard to fight but tears still break through.
I’m wandering now,
Lost and alone.
Happiness and the past,
Are things I can’t own.
Awkaward for me.
The darkness creeps in,
Demanding red beads.
Telling me these pains,
Are my only needs.

Right next to the lines,
I place the blade.
My heart starts to run,
From choices I made.
Love this line.
I’m falling asleep,
To a deadly tune.
The one light in my life,
Is the endless moon:

Alone with the stars,
So bright in the sky.
But maybe even the moon,
Has reasons to die.

You did an epic job with this poem and I'm loving the last 2 lines! -

But maybe even the moon,
Has reasons to die.

What’s killing me now,
Are the wide cuts inside.

But I can’t seem to stop,
This bleeding from within.

Happiness and the past,
Are things I can’t own.

Telling me these pains,
Are my only needs.

My heart starts to run,
From choices I made.

I’m falling asleep,
To a deadly tune.
The one light in my life,
Is the endless moon:

But maybe even the moon,
Has reasons to die.

fading-dream wrote:You have captured what many authors fail at. The writing is not about capitalization and punctuation but about rhythm, feeling, flow. You have succeeded wonderfully. I love the metaphor and relation to the moon that set this poem apart from it being yet another emo poem (which I don't see why are so hated). My only problem is that you used "remember" twice in one stanza which made me cringe slightly.

For once, I don't feel as though I have wasted my life by clicking on a featured work. I love this poem and thank you for the privilege of sharing it

Wow! This is one of the most powerfull things I've ever read. It's got so much emotion without being whiny. Great job.

You have captured what many authors fail at. The writing is not about capitalization and punctuation but about rhythm, feeling, flow. You have succeeded wonderfully. I love the metaphor and relation to the moon that set this poem apart from it being yet another emo poem (which I don't see why are so hated). My only problem is that you used "remember" twice in one stanza which made me cringe slightly.

For once, I don't feel as though I have wasted my life by clicking on a featured work. I love this poem and thank you for the privilege of sharing it.

What is it about people and the "Emo-Phobia"? I really liked this poem, and don't see why a gloomy theme is so disliked. I especially liked the way you managed to get such a nice rhythm. I know from experience how difficult that is. As critique however, I agree with whomever it was, that it is very unnecessary to capitalize every line. Best of luck

There's not much I can say here that hasn't been said by others....the whole emo theme (especially the cutting) was well presented, but one sees it so often on this site that it can grow a little tiresome. However, the poem itself was good and showed the emotions well.

Hey! I'm Sporks and I'm going to

I really rather like this. It has a nice rhythm and flow to it. The rhyme scheme is very well done. The imagery is brilliant, and I could go on all day about how much I enjoyed this poem.

That said, why so much punctuation? Grammar rules in poetry are more lax than prose, yes, but this much punctuation is nearing ridiculous. Think about it in terms of prose. Do you really need a comma to separate "I live in this world" and "of confusion and doubt?" Also, don't capitalize every line. It's unnecessary.

Other than that, I really liked it.

Sporks!

Hey Eternal, T here. I found this poem quite engaging. I was caught into it by about the second stanza. The picture it creates is heartbreaking yet so true. We see this type of pain everyday and no one cares to elaborate on it, they just seem to push it under the rug. Though I liked that you exposed that concept it was a bit darker and some phrases were over used in other poems. Though I'm not one to talk, but I think you should try to calm down a bit of the morbid thinking because it can get a little overpowering. But otherwise it seemed spectacular in a very morbid fashion.

Hey there. to be honest, I was quiet surprised. Usually I avoid poems about suicide, but this one I decided to read. And what a good surprise it was. You had me hooked from beginning to end. The message wasn't in my face like some poems I've read, but rather more subtle. I like the way you've done this. The flow, the imagery. It was good. You've done well here, and I'm afraid to say I don't really have much to critique or help with.

All I have to say is I love this first part. I love the "Where labels mean everything, and I am labeled out." It's so full of truth it hurts. But this is a good thing.

EternalSleep wrote:I live in this world,
Of confusion and doubt,
Where labels mean everything,
And I am labeled out.

I’m falling asleep,
To a deadly tune.
The one light in my life,
Is the endless moon:

Alone with the stars,
So bright in the sky.
But maybe even the moon,
Has reasons to die.

Greetings I'm LastPaladin and I shall be your reviewer for today, I shall examine this poem with great scrutiny and decide whether it can stand up to that. I'll take into account what I like and don't like and explain what In a thorough manner, but one little warning, I tend to be harsh, but I only do so to help improve you.

Now lets begin, to begin it's obvious your going for a rhyme scheme, real question we shall see is whether it works. The lines don't come across as gobsmackingly brilliant or insightful. They aren't awful, but at this point nothing to write home about. And then we move on, at this point certain alarm bells start going off in my head, is this going to be a navel gazing poem, I surely hope not.

Cutting?! You're writing a poem about cutting, not only were ya using a sing-song rhyme scheme, you resort to emo-esque lines which you could find in many poems across places like Deviantart and many other forums. Worse still it's all telling us, none of it really shown, you go on from one point, to another and another, never really trying to address the readers, leaving them totally out the picture. It's clumsy and insulting.

Now I just about had enough, can't read anymore of it, it's same devolved cliches we heard a million times over, and hearing them a million and one times doesn't do much to change our opinions, in fact it does exact opposite it strengthen resolve.

Overal: Emo themes only work when you involve the readers with imagery or literacy techniques, in your case you ignore the reader and instead navel gaze, chant on about how upset you are, sprout unoriginal ideas and go on with it so long you knock back anyone who was trying to read this.

I hate to leave on such a sour note, so I'll say this:

Where labels mean everything,
And I am labeled out.

This was really beautiful. This poem holds so much emotion and so much truth it makes it hard, for me, not to like it. My favorite stanza is the last one, I actually like it so much I want to ask for your permission to use it in a novel I'm working on.
Your rhyme scheme is really amazing and I've really nothing bad to say. I hope I get to read more of your work.

Love, Reise.