Hannah's Heartbreak

I agree with Aquamarine when he/she said this:

\"The first thing I noticed here were the ellipses. I\'m assuming (apologies if the assumption is incorrect) that you\'re using them to denote where there would be pauses in the song? If that\'s the case, then I don\'t really think they\'re necessary. What you want people to review are the lyrics, and without the music to the song then it doesn\'t matter if you show us where the pauses are or not! That said, if the ellipses aren\'t there to show pauses, then I don\'t think they\'re necessary either. They distract us from the words and are much more effective if used sparingly.

Your lyrics right now seem very forced and not totally original. Partly this is to do with the rhyming - it\'s completely restricting what you\'re writing and means that it\'s harder for the reader/listener to connect with what you\'re saying because it\'s not so personal. Try branching out a little and moving onto less restricted lyrics. This will also be helpful for you to start developing these lyrics into something less generic - right now they don\'t seem especially special because they could be written by anyone, for anyone. Think about making them at least seem more personal so that the emotion really comes through instead of feeling a little flat.\"

heyy, I found it was very sweet and held a lot of emotion. I liked your choice of words and topic. Very nice

I love the lyrics well written very meaningful and emotional love it
good job

Hello, I think this is okay. I liked it. AquaMarine wrote that it's not totally original but I liked the meaning of the lyrics. I founded myself singing it in a tune I don't even know what it is. I think I just fell in love with this lyrics. Singing is my hobby and would love to hear this song been sung.

Keep writing,

Alicia.

Hello, welcome to YWS. I like your reason for writing the song. XD

The first thing I noticed here were the ellipses. I'm assuming (apologies if the assumption is incorrect) that you're using them to denote where there would be pauses in the song? If that's the case, then I don't really think they're necessary. What you want people to review are the lyrics, and without the music to the song then it doesn't matter if you show us where the pauses are or not! That said, if the ellipses aren't there to show pauses, then I don't think they're necessary either. They distract us from the words and are much more effective if used sparingly.

Your lyrics right now seem very forced and not totally original. Partly this is to do with the rhyming - it's completely restricting what you're writing and means that it's harder for the reader/listener to connect with what you're saying because it's not so personal. Try branching out a little and moving onto less restricted lyrics. This will also be helpful for you to start developing these lyrics into something less generic - right now they don't seem especially special because they could be written by anyone, for anyone. Think about making them at least seem more personal so that the emotion really comes through instead of feeling a little flat.

It seems an odd song to write in exchange for a unicorn, as unicorns are wonderful and this seems sad. But, I suppose, it's your choice. xD

This is good for a first draft, but I'd like to see you take it much further than this to make it a great song - good luck! PM me with any questions.

-Amy

EternalSleep wrote:I wrote this song for my friend at her request in exchange for a painting of a unicorn.

Hannah's song 

I'm trying... Is the ellipsis necessary? I read on a bit, and the song seems fast to me, but the ellipsis' slow it down.

To get a hold of myself,

Yeah, I'm dying... Ellipsis is fine here.

I've never felt...this...way... I don't think they're are necessary here

Before.

Just as I'm falling,

You shut the door...

Yeah, just as I'm crawling, 

You tell me no more. The rhyming here sounds a little forced. Try something else.

I've been holdin' on,

For the sake of my heart.

But now I'm losin' my grip,

Oh, I'm falling apart.

Now I'm trapped in this world of,

My own.

Where the breath in my lungs,

Doesn't mean I'm not dead.

Every sound is your voice,

And all tears ah-are red. A simple are would be quite fine here

I'm hopeless, I'm lifeless,

Without the joy that you bring.

And I say without doubt,

This is the last song I'll sing.

My heart is like a candle,

Your love the flame,

And left in the darkness,

I've lost this cruel game.

Just as I'm falling,

You shut the door...

Yeah, just as I'm crawling, 

You tell me no more.

I've been holdin' on,

For the sake of my heart.

But now I'm losin' my grip,

Oh, I'm falling apart...

Oh, oh, I'm falling apart!
...

You sentenced me to death 

When you told me goodbye...

When I look to the heavens,

There's no blue in the sky.

Sweetie, honey, Maybe it's just me, but Sweetie sounds a little old fashioned and out-of-place here

I love you my dear.

And not seeing your face,

Was my only fear...

Just as I was falling,

You shut the door...

Yeah, just as I was crawling, 

You told me no more.

I've been holdin' on,

To the hope in my heart.

But all that is gone now,

Oh, I've fallen apart....

Just as I'm falling,

You shut the door...

Yeah, just as I'm crawling, 

You tell me no more.

I've been holdin' on,

For the sake of my heart

Hey there EternalSleep,
First of all, what a funny reason to write a song!! XD
Now just a few things...
A) what's with all the "..." action happening? if you're indicating a pause, use a full stop once in a while, the way you wrote them I was reading it,"I've never felt (long silence) this (long silece) way (long silence) before." If that is how it is sung then perfect, if not then you may want to consider editing this part a little.
B)

Just as I'm falling,
#FF0000 ">You shut the door...
Yeah, just as I'm crawling,
You tell me no more.