Published September 21, 2011
She was in danger.
I sprint across a blasted heath, the most inhospitable land I could ever imagine. A five-headed pyrohydra, each ugly head spewing flame, lumbers towards me. But I insanely fly forward, my grey cloak snapping behind me like my own hound of hell at my back, charging the reptilian monster at full speed. I wield a long flaming staff in my left hand, a scimitar in my right.
The first head spews flame as I reach the base of the hill. I sidestep behind a large boulder, the flames scorching by my unprotected face. Then upward I resume. Another head lashes its ugly head toward me, snapping its long, sharp teeth at my right leg. I jump in the air and bring the scimitar down in a glittering arc and sever the head. I quickly burn away at the stump with the staff in my other hand, cauterizing it so the head couldn't grow back. Another two heads, which I quickly follow the same quick routine, slash, slash, burn, burn. Three down, two to go.
I didn't worry about taking off the other heads. Instead I dodged and scurried until I was right next to the big reptilian body and drove my scimitar hilt-deep into its chest. The two remaining heads shriek in pain and flail about wildly, then slow, then the whole body fell to the ground. Then I turned to her.
She was trying to stand from the stony, unforgiving ground, her long red dress torn from abuse. She sweeps her dark hair away her large brown eyes, which are filling with tears of relief. I sheath my long blade and offer her my hand, but as her hand reaches out, her pale skin begins to turn to smoke. I grasp frantically for her hands, but I'm too late. She's gone. I fall to my knees, a scream ripping through the whole of my body. Defeated.
Points:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
140,172 Literary Works • 673,032 Reviews
Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),
Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!
Anyway let's get right to it,
Oooh, this is a really fun scene to start with there. We get some very quick setting descriptions and a general description of a conflict going on and then we're just thrust straight into the fight between this person weilding what looks to be a few fairly magical weapons and a giant beast. The setting of a desolate landscape adds quite a lot here and that one line paragraph comes together really well with the touch of description to paint this really awesome opening scene here.
Hmm, there is a decent pace to this fight, although I will say this paragraph is a bit choppier than one would like. We have a rather slow couple of beats with individual attacks and then there's a sense of things speeding up and everything falling into a kind of pattern...I feel like that's a good way to carry a fight forward, but also you need to split that into two paragraphs.
Well that was a powerful ending there, the fight ends on a nice set of quick beats there, which works out pretty well and then we see this other person in trouble that this one is still unable to save and well...it all comes together to make a pretty neat prologue here. This one certainly makes you want to read and find out more.
Aaaaand that's it for this one.
As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.
Stay Safe
Harry
Bryn, you kind of contradict yourself saying, I just feel like it's a little to hollywood to jump straight into action.
Seems like you don't know what action is.
I sprint across a blasted heath, the most inhospitable land I could ever imagine. A five-headed pyrohydra, each ugly head spewing flame, lumbers towards me.
That's the opening. That's all action, sprinting to escape the spewing flames of a pyrohydra.
The description after that, mentioning, cloak and a weapon in each hand is just put there. It detracts from the running, the flames. It doesn't show us anything that we need to know at that moment. Unless this was put at the beginning, before the running is mentioned, then it's in the way of what's going on.
Even if this scene were to begin with a paragraph of description to set the mood and give us imagery, it'd still be considered an action opening.
As for the rest of my suggestions, they're suggestions to help, EtCetera. I haven't changed anything about his style of writing, nor have I omitted anything important. I like this and think it's got potential, reason why I bothered taking the time to critique thoroughly. All my suggestions can only make this a better piece.
Can't wait to see more, EtCetera.
Oh yeah, and Bryn, agreeance isn't a word. You're either in agreement, or you agree. Hope that helps you.
I think I will continue reading this as you go, because it is interesting. I'm in agreeance(if that is a word) with your other reviewers except Butterflies opinion on your opening paragraph.
I don't know, when I read a book, it is playing like a movie in my head as I read. I like the way you have your description, it is helpful in the beginning, and helps the reader imagine the character. Otherwise they could be like me and go gallavanting around and create their own idea of what your character should look like, instead of your idea. I just feel like it's a little to hollywood to jump straight into action, because thats how lots of things start out. So to me the story would kind of unfold in a cliche way if it was action-packed from the very start. Does that make sense?
Your story however has me intrigued so I'll continue to read it
Hello, EtCetera.
This is only a short piece with a lot of good content so I will take the time to do a detailed critique.
You opened good. She was in danger, grabbed my attention.
Now, paragraph one of any novel whether it be a prologue or chapter one, it needs to do a few things:
Identify conflict.
Establish a genre.
Introduce the Main Character, (MC)
And, draw us in, most importantly.
You've done all of those, though I think there's room for tightening. Here are some of my suggestions.
I sprinted across a blasted heath, the most inhospitable land I'd ever imagined. The target of my headlong race? A small rocky hill. What was on the hill? She was. I knew she was. What else? A five-headed pyrohydra, each ugly head spewing flame. But I insanely fly onwards, my grey cloak snapping behind me like my own hound of hell at my back. I wield a long flaming staff in my left hand, a scimitar in my right.
Seem you're already jumping straight into the action, I feel like maybe you could introduce the five-headed pyrohydra and dodging its flames first up. That'd avoid the opening of description you have. You can then introduce the MC's attire and gear with reference to using them.
Maybe you could do something like this,
She was in danger. A five-headed pyrohydra on my tail, I raced across a blasted heath. Across the inhospitable land, she waited on the hill for me. The pyrohydra spewed flames as I reached the base of the hill. I dodged behind a boulder, the flames billowing towards my unprotected face.
Another head lashed towards me, snapping its sharp teeth at my leg. I jumped, bringing the scimitar down in a glittering arc. The head severed, squirting blood and falling to the ground. I burned the stump with the staff in my other hand, cauterizing it so it couldn't grow back. I slashed the scimitar twice more and burned another two stumps.
Flames spewed at me from the two heads left. I ducked, and scurried towards the reptilian body. I drove the scimitar, hilt deep, into its chest. The heads shrieked and it flail about wildly, before hitting the ground in a defeated heap.
My cloak snapped in the wind as I turned and lay my eyes upon her. Her long red dress torn from abuse, she tried to get to her feet. She swept her dark hair away, as tears filled her eyes. I sheathed my blade and offered my hand. She reached for me, but embers began to spark to life upon her skin and her pale skin began to burn away into black smoke. She disappeared.
Do not end this amazing scene with the character waking up, and it was a dream or something similar to a dream. Even if this story only plays out in the characters dreams or something, don't end it like that. You can bring that in later on. If you end it like that, its going to seem pointless. Dream openings or endings are a bad cliche. Stay away from it and you'll benefit.
So I hope my suggestions help. This is a great start to a novel. If I picked this up in the store and read this scene, minus the dream bit at the end, I'd be hooked and wouldn't put it down. Good work.
I liked this. One comment I would make would be to revise the first paragraph bit. Questions are good; they can draw in the reader, but the number and succession of those in the first paragraph make it seem choppy. I suggest keeping one of the questions, but rewriting the other two.
I love this description, by the way.
As for the ending, perhaps think about adding more the scene where she disappears. What was the narrator feeling? Did he do anything to try to stop her disappearance? Personally, if someone I cared about was starting to turn to smoke, I would franticly try to stop it, no matter how useless my actions were.
I'm looking forward to reading the continuation of the story!
Hello. I'm just going o do a small review. Hope it helps.
I started become very interested in this story, however the way you ended it... It made me cringe, that is one of the worst ways you could end something. Maybe expand more on this part. Other than that everything was good. Looking forward to the next part.
This is not my first attempt at a fantasy novel, but the first one I intend to keep working on. Please help me by letting me know what really engages the reader since I'm a bad critic of my own work. I know I have a tendency to ramble, so please correct me if need be.