Young Writers Society

Hi BrokenHeartsAri,

What's Working:
Your poem has strong emotion throughout. The frantic state of the speaker is conveyed through your language and short lines. You have good ideas here. I can see that you are trying to work with the form to convey your poem's meaning and that is great. You're using repetition which is causing the reader for feel these repetitive thoughts and the short sentences make the poem quick and frantic.

What Needs Some Work:
Structure:
• I can see that you are trying to work with form in order to convey the meaning of the poem, however the repetition of "voice" and other phrases isn't working. Perhaps repeating a singular phrase throughout the poem. There are structured poems that use this method. I read one the other day called [url]"Mad Girl's Love" by Sylvia Plath[/url]. She repeats a worry of the speaker's throughout the poem and as the poem goes on the line works in different contexts. This structured poem is called a villanelle. You don't have to make your poem a villanelle or another type of structure poem that uses repetitive lines but perhaps you can take this idea of one or two repeating lines.
• I recommend adding stanzas because this poem was hard to read as one long, skinny poem. Stanzas also help separate ideas from one another.
• the repeating of "be heard" isn't working for the rhythm of the poem.

Description:
• I think your poem could benefit from more detailed description and imagery.
• Less telling and more showing. It could be beneficial to focus on the sense of hearing throughout this poem and how that sounds so that the reader hears what the speaker is hearing (and feels the speaker's emotions more deeply). You could even add a metaphor through the poem of, idk, a violent storm and how that sounds and relate that to intrusive thoughts (just idea, trying to show you that you can use metaphors to convey your meaning and add description).

Grammar:

Not gone taken

waiting for there chance

Yh it's a nice one brokenheartari, and I would like to drop a comment to this benevolent poem of yours. It's very much true when you noted that there are voices in our heads, and this voices are so much want to be heard and on several occasions, they are exponentially detrimental to the real outcome of realities around us.
These voices could sometimes be good, but on many times are bad. What we call thoughts and voices in our heads are a whisper of spirits. Spirits that seeks out your fall and sometimes your rise.
There isn't much to give as a review to the poem because the statistics of the poem and it meters are stable and accurately constructive.
Moreover, you should learn to match each detaching line of poem with the previous one, as this tend to make more sense to the reader developing his comprehension and image formation and thus give credit to the poem.
Its really nice and thanks for giving us this simple poem language.

Hey there! MapleWay here with a quick review!

I loved how deep and moving this poem was. I could feel your pain as the writer oozing through it. I honestly wouldn't change a thing except for the part where it says,

they are always there

whispering here and there

they are always there

whispering everywhere

Hey BrokenHeartsAri!
I have to say you brought out quite a lot in just these lines. I really liked the way you expressed something that most people deal it. I also really liked the imagery, rather the picture you drew with your words. The conflict between listening to those voices and running away from them was also something that caught my eye. I look forward to reading more.