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Young Writers Society



by EsmerayaRose

Warning: This work has been rated 16+.


Sitting in your room

trynna figure out life

I tell you that I don't like some stuff

but you keep doing it

I can't stand it you know

As you blow smoke in my face

You know I don't like

10 minutes later

A phone call from my father saying I'm no good

I hang up the phone cause I don't have time

I ask you, "May I try"

*gives me the vape

You tell me it's about time

This feels good

all stress gone

feeling free

Now I'm an addicted

to hearing pain

and smoking it away

Blow smoke in my face

Voices saying I'm going to end up dead

shut them out

take a few more inhales

I ask them will you be able to save what has already fallen?

Blow smoke in my face

Is this a review?



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451 Reviews

Points: 45164
Reviews: 451

Mon Sep 20, 2021 7:07 am
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EllieMae wrote a review...


One thing that I absolutely love about your writing Is how to script if you are. You have this incredible ability to be able to tell a story literally but also tell a story that everyone who reads will be able to apply to them selves. Thank you for writing this. you are an amazing writer. The part where he says that you’re addicted to hearing pain really hit me.

Wishing you all the bestest everrrr!
-Ellie- Mae

EsmerayaRose says...

Thank you for the kind review!!

And all the likes

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12 Reviews

Points: 94
Reviews: 12

Wed Mar 17, 2021 10:41 pm
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Pokeberry111 wrote a review...

Hello Boo, I call others that, if you don’t mind
This a review if you don’t mind me doing one on your work

I enjoyed this poem first of all and how you describe the addiction. The feeling of the smoke on my face was present when it was mentioned. The mention of voices could lead the reader to think of many different things and that's fun, like your head, the sobberaty of the person. Many different kinds of thoughts could go on there with that mention. The thought of a phone call was a good touch to your poem as well, saying that you’re not okay, and probably trying to say you need some sorta help or something like this.
Overall I enjoyed reading this and thought the flow was nice!

EsmerayaRose says...

Thanks for the review!

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110 Reviews

Points: 83
Reviews: 110

Wed Mar 17, 2021 6:52 pm
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illy7896 wrote a review...

This poem made me feel like I was in your situation. Something about the rhythm and the line

Blow smoke in my face

really makes me feel like I am a part of that addiction. And also, the way that you have gone from disliking the smoke in your face to asking for it and being okay with other people's problems leaves a big impact on the reader. It's like you are accepting what you first rejected. Also, this poem reminds me of a story and it could even be a message of the effects that a parent has over their child and how other people can have a negative influence over you.

Could you extend on the bit about your father looking down on you? I feel as if this part is very important since it changes the narrator's outcome and their actions and would be worth highlighting and adding on to. Can you go deeper into the father and those trapped feelings?

I hang up the phone cause I don't have time

With this line, I think that you could add some more imagery and meaning and emotive language by repeating the word 'time'. Since that word is a very influential word and it has so many stereotypes and meanings, I think that it would be useful to add some more description:

I hang up the phone cause I don't have time
Time for his disheartening words
Time for his dismembered love
Time for his honest lies
That rasps wicked thoughts on my heart

This is just an example of course and is completely up to you.

I also loved the way you have used 'ten minutes later,' because it shows how quickly things can escalate and get out of hand.

Great job with this poem!

EsmerayaRose says...

Thanks for the review!

First you broke my moustache, now you break my heart.
— MaybeAndrew