z

Young Writers Society


16+

Uniting Nations Chapter 2 (Sam)

by Messenger


Warning: This work has been rated 16+.

The door to his house, a drab grey plank of splintering wood, was as intimidating as the solid metal of a prison wall. Sam's thoughts whizzed around his head, bouncing off the edges of his mind. He rubbed his temples, took another deep breath, and reached for the door handle.

"Sam!" Peter shouted.

Sam grinned and leaned over to hug his little brother. He lifted him up into the air and whirled him round. The grin on Peter's face was like a hug in itself and Sam felt his own lips tug upwards. He squeezed Peter tight, unsure how many more chances he would have to be with his brother before he set out on Xander's mission.

"Hey, where's Declan?" Sam asked, setting him back down.

Peter shrugged. "Cross country practice probably."

"Oh, right of course. Till six, right?" Sam took Peter's hand and smiled as he realized the boy came almost up to his shoulder now. "And Georgia?"

Peter turned his face up to Sam and rolled his eyes. "Reading."

Sam turned the corner into the living room, his arm wrapped around Peter's shoulders. The empty chairs glared at him and the little table in the middle of the room looked painfully lonely.

"I thought you said Georgia was reading?" Sam surveyed the room again. The chairs were all facing rigidly into the middle of the room, and there were no books in sight.

"In her room," Peter explained, "Dad's here."

"Oh," Sam said. He glanced towards the stairs and tried not to picture Georgia curled up on her bed, tears landing on the pages of her favorite stories. "Wait, where's Dad?"

"Out the back." Declan shrugged. "He took his axe."

Sam crossed to the window that faced onto the back garden. He groaned when he spotted the hulking figure of his father hacking away at his favorite tree trunk. There was one man he would not miss as much over the coming months. Chips of wood piled up like landfills around him. Sam hoped he remembered to stop his training before the piles got to knee height this time.

He turned from the window and followed Peter up the stairs. He stopped at the doorway of Georgia's bedroom, smiling as she flicked the page of her book.

"Hey." He put his hand on the doorknob and balanced a little weight on it.

"Uh-huh?" Georgia replied. She turned her head as if she was going to look up but never quite took her eyes off the page.

Peter tugged on the edge of Sam's shirt. "I told you, she's reading."

Sam smiled at his little brother's frown and put an arm around his shoulders.

"Georgie," said Sam, taking a few steps forward. "I did something stupid."

Georgia rolled her eyes and set the book down on the bed. "What now?"

"I asked Mrs Kyseth about you going to school, again." Sam fiddled with a piece of loose skin on his lip.

Georgia shot up from the bed, her hair flying in all directions. "Sam! What were you thinking?"

"I wasn't-"

"What did she say?" Georgia sat back down on the bed and fixed him with a gaze that twisted up his heart.

"What do you think she said, Georgie?" Sam sighed and picked up Peter, who whooped as Sam slung him onto his back. Sam continued, "Declan will almost be finished by now. Would you like to come with us to pick him up?"

Georgia had already grabbed her book and was resting her head against the wall behind her bed. Her eyes were closed and her chest rose and fell in a slightly uneven rhythm.

"See you after," said Sam. He turned, ducked so that Peter's head wouldn't hit the top of the doorframe, and left the room. One day soon, 'after' would mean a hell of a lot more than after she was done reading.

Peter sighed as Sam walked down the stairs and Sam gripped his hand tight.

"Let's go get your brother," said Sam as he reached the foot of the stairs.

Peter had just replied when the front door flew open and crashed into the wall, wobbling like a sheet of drywall. Sam gaped at the short, slim figure it revealed as she stepped over the threshold and shoved him out of the way.

"Auntie Marie?" he said, backing into the living room as she strode past.

He heard Peter gasp as she dragged a stretcher past them. Sam blinked and staggered back as he realized who was splayed on top of it.

"What happened?" Sam lowered Peter to the ground and followed the stretcher to the bathroom door.

"He fainted just before the end of practice -- What was that?" Marie glanced down at the wheels of the stretcher. "Damn it. It's about to snap."

Sam frowned at the little twigs of wood someone had decided were strong enough to hold up eleven-year-old boy. He darted forward and grabbed his brother, just as Peter stumbled around the corner.

Marie gasped. "Peter! You gave me a heart attack!"

Peter sighed. "I don't look that much like him."

Marie rose from a cabinet in the bathroom, a narrow vial clasped between trembling figures. "I think there's enough left for him."

Sam lowered Declan to the floor and held his head. Marie opened his mouth and dropped a few spots of the green liquid onto the back of his throat. Declan's breathing juddered a little less than it had been but his legs didn't stop twitching.

"Uh-oh." Marie squinted at the bottle and said, "I think that was the last of it. Is there any more in the house?"

Sam, still kneeling, wrapped an arm around Peter's waist. He chuckled quietly to himself and stared straight into his little brother's eyes as he said, "There's probably very little left in all of Lone."

Without warning Declan jerked upright and started to choke. His hands flew to his neck and Sam only just managed to get them off before he strangled himself. He eased Declan back down to the floor and stroked his forehead.

"It's okay, Dec," he whispered, "It was just the sickness again."

Declan blinked, which Sam had come to recognize as nodding, then closed his eyes and let go of Sam's hand. The door to the basement clattered open but Declan barely flinched. At least Dad could be relied upon to ruin the day.

"Lentils tonight, alright?" he said, staring straight at Sam.

Sam nodded. "Fine, whatever." He waved one hand and felt Declan's brow again with the other.

"Will Mum be home?" Peter asked, standing up and taking a few steps towards his father.

Their dad snorted. "Don't count on it."

Sam rolled his eyes and turned his attention back to Declan, who was attempting to sit up.

He tilted his head to the side. "I wonder if he's ever considered it could be his cooking causing me to faint in the middle of training."

Sam smiled and gave Declan a light hug. Marie went back into the bathroom with the empty vial and returned a moment later to take Peter's hand. Declan nodded at Peter who smiled and glanced towards the kitchen.

There was a crash and a grunt, then some muttered cursing. Peter nodded and said, "Yep, Dec, that is definitely a possibility."


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1417 Reviews


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Sat May 02, 2015 9:17 pm
Noelle wrote a review...



Hi there!

I'm on my iPod so I apologize in advance for anything autocorrect thinks I should be saying

"Out the back." Declan shrugged. "He took his axe."

I think you meant Peter here. Declan is at cross country practice, yes?

One thing that I really wanted to know that wasn't answered is who Sam is in his family. Obviously he's a kid, but is he th oldest sibling? Is he the one that's usually in charge id the parents aren't home? I feel like you could've given us more information. Especially because he's going to be going on this adventure soon. Knowing how he household will (or won't) hold up while he's gone would really help is relate.

I'm so glad that you gave us this scene. Not this specifically of course, but a scene that shows is Sam's life at home. Like I said, he's going to be going on this adventure soon and we don't know much about him. Knowing what he has to lose makes the adventure a lot more dangerous and intense. That's definitely you should focus on around this time too. It's the second chapter, not exactly the beginning but not exactly that into the story yet. There's still going to be some introductory things like worrying/thinking about this adventure.

Overall this is a good chapter. If you add just a little bit more detail about the family and what each of the kids look like/how old they are, this would be great. It's always important to have those things, which I'm sure you know. Otherwise we're left wondering and confused. This chapter is well written and I think this is definitely a scene that you needed early on here.

Keep writing!
**Noelle**




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Sat Apr 11, 2015 9:44 pm
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Sonder wrote a review...



Hey there, again! Another short review from little ol' me.

Again, a lot of the previous reviewers said all that I have, but here goes. I feel like this chapter is the raw bones of the story, and that there isn't much meat for the reader to grab onto. There's little description, it's fast paced, and mostly dialogue. As TriSARAHtops said, I'd love to see you slow down, take in the surroundings, and take the time to describe each character. It shouldn't have to cut into the flow, but it should spice things up. For example, I still have no idea what any of the characters look like. Do the brothers look similar? Did they inherit their dad's traits? Things like that.
I also felt that this chapter was cut off quite quickly. I went through it and was a bit jarred by the sudden ending. Again, as the reviewers before said, I also felt that the part with the medicine and the sickness could have been expanded for more juicy world-building, but instead it left me frustrated with less than a satisfying ending.
Overall, I feel that this is a great start, but that it needs a lot more description and character building for it to reach full potential. I'm still intrigued by the plot, and I look forward to future chapters. :)

Keep writing and being amazing!

~Night




ExOmelas says...


Yeah, sorry, I wasn't really finished with the chapter, but I couldn't find a way to split the next scene...I will work on that. Cheers for the review :D



Sonder says...


No prob. :)



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Mon Mar 30, 2015 12:01 am
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kevin25a wrote a review...



Ok so loved the story looking forward to the next chapters. Hopefully I picked a time to read this right between you publish one. I didn't see any problems with it as far as grammar, punctuation, or typos either so good job. I did feel like I missed something major or you just didn't describe Declan's illness very well. Might want to do that at some point. Other than that good job and once again loved it.




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Sun Mar 29, 2015 11:59 pm
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TriSARAHtops wrote a review...



Hello again! Here for another (very, very late) Review Day review!

I don't have much to say about this chapter. It's more of a 'developing chapter' which I think was handled very well. Oh, and by developing, I mean that it's developing the plot, by introducing character, giving us information about the protagonist's life. I think this chapter did a lot to develop Sam as a person, giving him background. The family relationship is obviously important to this character, and that makes him appear a bit more realistic.

You introduce quite a few characters here, which is not necessarily a problem, however I think you had some pacing issues when you brought in Declan and Auntie Marie. I think you just need to spend a little more time going into a little more detail about what's happening, because I was a little confused because it felt like it all happened very fast. I feel like the sickness aspect would have been a really good opportunity for more world-building, which I think you didn't really take advantage of. I'd just suggest building up the tension a little more, making Declan being brought home unconscious seem like more of a 'moment', rather than just this happened. A little more emotiveness, I suppose.

I found Peter and Declan blurred together a little bit, so just be cautious that you don't let that happen as time goes on. It's early days, but just make sure that they're pretty distinctive from each other.

That's about all from me. I wasn't blown away by this chapter, but I certainly wasn't disappointed by it either. Looking forward to where you take these characters! :)




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Sun Mar 29, 2015 10:01 am
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EscaSkye wrote a review...



Hi, Messenger! Happy Review Day. Before I go on to the review, I have to say that I haven't read the previous installments yet, so please excuse me if I got some parts wrong due to that. With that said, let's move on to the review.

So, I'm honestly having a rather hard time checking on what could be improved upon. There are a few typos here and there, but aside from that, I don't think there's anything. I like the homey atmosphere and the comedy that plays within the family, even with the hint of what seems to be drama that's between Sam and Georgia, as well as in the siblings' relationship to their father. To me, this all seems realistic and heart-warming, though with a tinge of sadness. I might be wrong, but it seems like Sam is a sacrificing older brother, in a sense that it seems like he stopped his education just so his siblings could continue theirs -- well, that, or he's someone who's already done studying and is in the military. The good thing I see here is that, despite me having read this at chapter two, I can sense how tight the family is (the siblings, anyway, maybe they're close with their aunt as well, but I am sure that they aren't fond of their father that much). With all that said, please allow me to list down the typos I've noticed. There aren't that many, so that's good.

"I asked Mrs Kyseth about you going to school, again." Sam fiddled with a piece of loose skin on his lip.

You forgot to add a period after "Mrs".

Sam frowned at the little twigs of wood someone had decided were strong enough to hold up eleven-year-old boy.

I think you missed using "a" between the words highlighted in blue.

Without warning Declan jerked upright and started to choke.

For me, his sentence would benefit with a comma in between the blue words.

Well, that's about it. Good luck and keep writing! Great job, by the way. :)




ExOmelas says...


Cheers, Esca, it was actually me who wrote this section. I wasn't sure about posting this chapter yet because I didn't think the ending was an important enough point. If you get the chance after review day, could you look at chapter one (it's having pace issues).

Thaaaaaank you :D



EscaSkye says...


Sure, no problem. I'm just a little drained right now, but I should get back to it within the week!




“If lightning is the anger of the gods, then the gods are concerned mostly about trees.”
— Lao Tzu