Forever light

Sensational! You discussed time, anger, light and death, without making it too obvious as the sub-title or under laying subject matter. Love, you used these four elements to discuss love, Cliche but Touche. With each sentence, you seemed to have a tighter grip on my emotions, spinning them even with your free hand writing style.
There were parts where the poem might have galloped a bit but other than that, you did a great job!
Keep writing!

Hi there,

So like the other reviewers, I would say it's very basic.

What I would do is read more poetry and read more books. It's not at all bad for a first attempt, you just need for practice, that's all. Try and write about less abstract ideas like physical things, such as flowers, the weather, people etc. It's good for practice and for describing things.

I feel like all you're really saying is that depression is the darkness, but if you just try and let the light in, things will be alright. Which is fine, it's a fair idea, you just have to find a different way of saying it.

I had a teacher that used to tell me to 'show' and not 'tell' so instead of telling us that 'you are everything' show us. What makes this particular person 'everything'? Is it the way they live life? Is it the way they see beauty? What is it?

Try and use more concrete nouns and punctuation and I'm sure it'll be improved in no time.

It's not bad at all though, you just need a little practice. Keep writing and with every piece of work, you'll improve, I promise.

Good job,

H.L.P

I have to agree with athoughttookmyfancy. It's not a bad attempt, honestly, but there's virtually no description throughout the whole thing. The words you use are very basic, so it doesn't evoke any emotions or cause one to think. You are just stating basic principles that everybody all ready knows.

But, on the bright side, it brings to mind an idea that is very powerful, the pep talk. Every Hero needs a good one to tell them self before they take the plunge, and, while this one isn't anything fancy, it would work as something in a book. For a first attempt, it was satisfactory.

Thank you EsMsND!

"Things will be ok"????? ARE U SRS no offense but I really think you can elaborate the act of placating and consolation in muuuuuuuuuuuccch more vivid imagery and descriptions. Especially since you're writing a whole poem about it. It's obviously a matter that you feel strongly, strongly about- so be vivid. Be vivid to the extend that we can feel and taste and sense what you see, and moreover, feel your passion.

Because of the lacking descriptive language and (although an aesthetic choice) the absence of punctuation, the poem had an apathetic, slow, and viscous feel to it. I get a sense of what emotions you're trying to portray, but it is unclear and polemical- the last few lines seems to be suggesting hope, but the whole tonality seems to suggest a certain deadness and desperation in the narrative? If that was what you were trying to get that, I think you did a great job. But if it wasn't an intentional paradox, I really think you need to develop your emotions and more.

Hey! XD


For your first poem this is a very interesting subject for you to write about.

" Live your day with pride

With superiority

With forever light "

I am a bit concerned by these ending lines.
They seem to promote some sort of 'cultish' ideal. And I am unsure of how you came up with these ideas exactly.

Either way, I liked this piece and it made for an intriguing read.

This was my favourite line: " Don't let the forever darkness overcome you "

Keep writing.

XD

Hi there,

I liked this a lot. I found that if I took time to focus on each line, it worked really well to build up a picture in my mind. I could imagine someone almost saying this to them self - to try and gather courage, in order to face something difficult which lay ahead of them. It came over as mantra-like and inspirational to me.

You make a good contrast between the 'forever darkness' and the possibility for 'forever light' and your poem makes it clear that this is a choice which is open to us.

Suggestions for improvement: I would think about using some punctuation - for example, the question, 'Does despair overcome you' would probably work better if you have a question mark after it. It helps the reader to find a way through your lines better.
Also, maybe consider using some metaphors or simile to describe the darkness/light; it could add a little more depth and imagery to what you're describing.

But I feel that this is a nice poem and a good first draft. With a little editing, I think it will really shine!

heylo there, EsMsND,

You said that this is your first poem so i'll be lenient, haha.

But I really have to say, it does not flow well at all. It seems extremely choppy and most of the lines just do not fit together.

I think I understood enough to understand the idea, how difficult it can be to enjoy life and let the light in while evading darkness.

You really just need work in general on writing, practice makes perfect

Punctuation would help a bit if it is written exactly as you meant it to be, but I think the last bit, towards the end got a bit better as far as the flow and how hard it was to understand.

I loved the two lines
"Darkness is life

Life is darkness"

That's all for now, keep writing!

--Cam