Wander soft into each goodnight
Hearts' rage quiet
Minds' thoughts silent
Each unspoken desire setting the soul alight
Wander true into each good morning
Mouths' lies dormant
Eyes' secrets buoyant
Each unspoken whisper the soul's next yearning
Wander careful into each salut
Dark hands' shaking
Nerves' dread quaking
Each unspoken subterfuge cracking the soul in two
Wander slow into each goodbye
Legs' stability waning
Lungs' air draining
Each unspoken loss the soul's drowning cry
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139,567 Literary Works • 672,608 Reviews
Hello, FlamingPhoenix here with a review for you on this lovely day.
Okay so let's jump right into the review.
Okay so I'm going to start off by saying this was a really well written poem, but the flow needs a little bit of work. Now how you can fix that is by putting some punctuation. By putting punctuation in your poem it will help with the flow, but it will also help get a cross what your trying to say. I mean the person who is telling us these things I can tell is sad, but how sad?
Now I'll show you a few places you can put some punctuation.
This line needs a comma, by putting it at the end it makes these line feel like it has more meaning.
Next one.
the same thing for this line.
Okay so I think that's enough of me going through the negative things.
Okay so over all this was a really great and emotional poem, and it's true in some ways. I also like the name. It's bold but eye catching so well done. I'm sure with a little more practice you will become a really great poet. And I look forward to seeing more.
I think your poem was a nice length, it wasn't to long and it wasn't to short. You have painted quit an image with the words you have chosen, and it's been done really well.
Well that's all from me, I look forward to seeing more from you. I also loved reading and reviewing your poem. I hope I will see more or your poems or any other words out on YWS soon. Never stop writing and have a great day/night.
Your friend
FlamingPhoenix.
Reviewing with a fiery passion.
Hi, Aella here to review your poem!
Your use of isocolon (parallel syntax structure) throughout this piece was very creative and effective. I like how you take us through time in two different ways; one with "goodnight" and "good morning", and another with "salute" and "goodbye". The repeated structure of the poem made it more impactful; beginning with "wander", you lead us into a feeling of openness. In the last line, I especially like the contrast between the openness of "wander" and the closure of "goodbye".
I think that your slant rhyme with quiet / silent, dormant / buoyant, shaking / quaking, and waning / draining is really interesting. One thing I would consider is maybe changing the first two to "rage (as in rage the verb) quietly" and "think silently" - or some variation, as the current version is a little hard to process, and in terms of meter it is a little awkward to read.
Your lines
"Each unspoken desire setting the soul alight",
"Each unspoken whisper the soul's next yearning"
"Each unspoken subterfuge cracking the soul in two"
"Each unspoken loss the soul's drowning cry"
were also very beautiful. I like the paths you trace with "desire", "whisper", "subterfuge", "loss" and "setting", "yearning", "cracking", "drowning". It was almost as if we could trace the evolution of this soul. Your repetition of "unspoken" also provoked a powerful and effective feeling of covertness.
Another thing you may want to play with is punctuation. Though you may not want too much, you could experiment with hyphens, commas, semicolons / colons, and periods if you feel like placing them in certain places will make your message more powerful. The way you have it now is interesting in itself, though, as the more open structure of the poem could greater enhance your repetition of "wander".
This was a truly beautiful piece!