I know you, but i don't know you,
For no one knows anyone today;
You know me, but you don't know me,
For no one wants to know the prisoners.
--
Do not take it the other way round,
I hope you don't let the monsters make a sound;
The monsters of doubt, mistrust and fury,
I hope you defeat them and keep talking to me.
--
It hurts me, it hurts me,
To see you each time take a step back;
I fear of losing you and getting forgotten,
As i become workaholic for getting money.
--
Not a good deal, it seems,
To make a contract of our relations,
Only to be alone some day,
With no one to talk to.
--
The prison shall be a prison,
For as long as i am alive,
Walls keep changing,
Purpose the same.
--
Walls of the hut would undoubtedly change,
To that of a palace, made of gold;
Until one day, it'll be the walls of an hospital,
And then that of the coffin and the grave.
--
The secrets buried in the graveyard of my heart,
I want you to listen their spitty hiss, babes,
Only to let the showers drizzle,
And let the drought-struck heart heal a little.
--
Don't take it the other way round,
I hope you don't get hurt because of me,
I didn't mean to hurt you,
I just don't know how to tell you about it.
--
Prisoner is used to describe loneliness because of lack of friends and little too much of introverted nature.
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Nowadays people tend to be around people who know nothing about them, and the vice versa is true. And we tend to be lonely when so many people are around us because we are all in meaningless relationships. So many secrets and so much pretense.
I loved your piece ,it's creative and interesting
Thabk you so much, Fadzie, yeaaah we tend to be around people, knowing nothing about them... Thank you so much for your words, they mean a lot to me... I am glad you liked it! xD <3
Nowadays people tend to be around people who know nothing about them, and the vice versa is true. And we tend to be lonely when so many people are around us because we are all in meaningless relationships. So many secrets and so much pretense.
I loved your piece ,it's creative and interesting
Hey there!
This is quite an interesting piece. I liked the way you described loneliness. Your prisoner comparison was probably my favourite! I have a few things I'd like to point out if you don't mind. These are just suggestions, so you don't have to listen to them if you don't want to!
I don't know if this was intentional or just a coincidence, but you've set up a rhyme scheme here, aabb. It made me think that the rest of the poem is going to rhyme, but it doesn't. I'd recommend staying consistent in your rhyme scheme. If you did this for a reason that I've missed, them pardon me.
"Getting forgotten" sounds a bit awkward. How about "I fear of losing you and being forgotten"?
Also, I think it would sound better if you put an "a" before "workaholic." You capitalize your I's throughout, but didn't capitalize the I here. Remaining consistent with your capitalization is something to remember.
Here, you used the words "walls changing" twice pretty closely. I'd change it up to avoid unnecessary repetition, but you don't have to if you would like to keep it the same.
I like these two lines! The idea of a "drought-struck heart" is cool, and you even have some alliteration!
In this stanza, you started three out of the four lines with "I." I recommend switching it up to provide some variety to your stanzas.
Overall, this is a nice poem! I enjoyed reading about the subject you chose to tackle, and I hope this helped!
Hello, Eros, I'm Lee, and here to review your poem.
It was a touching piece, in all honesty. Loneliness and introversion are delicate matters, and you've portrayed them well.
I'll get to the review without further ado.
In multiple places, you didn't capitalize your "I"s.
Nicely worded. I think the second stanza would have been a better opening to the poem, by the way. It's more attractive and relatable.
This is grammatically wrong. I think it should be rewritten as, "To see you take a step back each time". But even then; take a step back from what? This was an unfinished line, in my opinion.
The entire fourth stanza was pretty good. It was sad and painful to think of, but that's what made it so nice.
Again, this doesn't make any sense grammatically. You can't just say, "Purpose the same"; Whose purpose? The walls? In that case, you need to say something like, "But their purpose is the same".
While this isn't incorrect, really, if you're using the words "hut" and "palace" without an "a" before them, you ought to make them proper noun and capitalize the first letter. The same goes for "coffin" and "hospital", although I did not like that very random change. In all honesty, don't make them all nouns. just add "the"s and "a"s where needed.
I cannot decipher where "babes" is coming from.
Put a hyphen ( - ) in "drought-struck".
You don't need to repeat the word "hurt" twice. In th second line, you can try, "I didn't mean to do so" or something.
This sentence is grammatically incorrect. Remove the "do" and "I" and use "to" in their place.
Well, that's it. The poem was very nice, with fairly good imagery, but I think you could make use of sounds better. Insert alliterations, consonances, etc. to make the poem sound nicer, and to give it a lyrical quality.
If my review was too critical, I apologise. keep in mind I'm only trying to help you out!
- Lee
Thank you so much for the lovely review, Lee!! <3
I edited the bits you told....
Take a step away from me, I should have made it clearer though...
Babes is just to address the guy for whom the poem is written...
Thank you so much once again, I am glad you liked it
Thank you so much for the lovely review, Lee!! <3
I edited the bits you told....
Take a step away from me, I should have made it clearer though...
Babes is just to address the guy for whom the poem is written...
Thank you so much once again, I am glad you liked it
Thank you so much for the lovely review, Lee!! <3
I edited the bits you told....
Take a step away from me, I should have made it clearer though...
Babes is just to address the guy for whom the poem is written...
Thank you so much once again, I am glad you liked it
I'm happy I could be of help!
Hello there,
I'm coming to review your piece of poetry right now, so let's begin.
I'm just going to pick through stuff I like and comment, also adding criticism for things I think can improve along the way. Like originality or flow.
First of all, capitalization every line can ruin a flow of a poem if done incorrectly via style and theme matter, and this is more themed on heavy subjects. I think that this poem can benefit from a change because the topic is very harsh with passion. Maybe try to mix it up with no capitalization as I think it would be more pleasing to the eye and brain.
Just a little error. I must say that visualization and originality is pretty good in this. It's so creatively beautiful.
Something about this line sounds wrong when spoken.
The soul of this is quite emotional, so there can be two ways to split is good. To either make it simple, or make it too wordy and descriptive. I personally think that this has some balance without being forced, but still think about conveying in different ways.
Have a good day,
Haley.
Thank you so much Haley!! Your review was really helpful... I edited the walls stanza, I hope it sounds better now xD
Thank you so much for hitting the like button, I really thank you from the bottom of my heart ...<3