Published December 28, 2010
Someday I might look up without fear of falling,
down isnt a direction, just a way of life.
I’ve been so long without a love song,
that now it’s all I hear.
We’ll pull the stops out,
make every lyric count,
hope you know I wont let you out,
out, out there, on your own,
without me to look around for.
I’d stay close enough to be associated,
you’d stay close enough to be embarassed,
a neat little game,
we both liked the way it felt.
Contact highs never last.
I remember dreaming you were my reflection,
just as tired, just as beaten, just as lost.
I put my hand to yours and I turned to sand.
Dreams have meaning,
somewhere,
sometime.
Subconcious pillowtalk,
impossible yet always provacative.
This might go on for a while,
l’ll make it as painless as I can.
No promises.
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139,457 Literary Works • 672,565 Reviews
You have an excellent rhythm here. The lines bounce beautifully, especially "I’ve been so long without a love song" with it's neat syllable count and interior rhyme, and "Subconcious pillowtalk" where, again, both words have the same syllable count. It's not exactly a quality I can describe, but you can hear how its there. The last two lines are my favorite part per say, there's such a voice there, a story behind it, and a lot of mediocre poetry lacks that very quality.
That said, some of your other lines are just filler. Take "somewhere/sometime" for example. This can be removed with no effects, and I suggest you do. Taking out all the little lines that don't really fit will focus your poem on what you're really trying to say. Look at each word and decide if it really needs to be there.
This is an excellent poem, and I don't say that often. There are so many gorgeous lines, just make sure they all go together right. You have the pacing necessary for a poet. Keep at it.
In all a nice effort Eraqio.
I liked this part,its nice,neat,straight emotions.Talking about this part,I felt it to be a little out of place,disrupts the balance of the poem,I feel if these lines could be rewritten it would bring certain rhythm in this appreciable work.
And finally the ending part of the poem was nice too,I think I liked the ending more for the words you have chosen they tune along well.
Howdy, Eraqio! I'm gonna review your poem for you today.
First off, great job with this. In the back of my mind I felt that this was just another cliche poem about love or something, but when I actually started reading it, I thought it was neat. Some of the imagery really piqued my interest as well. "Subconscious pillowtalk" sounded really neat and had a certain ring to it.
The one thing I really noticed about this that I didn't like that it was the variations of line length, which gave this no real rhythm or balance. I think if you worked on that and nothing else, this would be a real intense poem.