(If you read this I would appreciate if you read the whole thing and at least leave a small comment, it doesnt really help anything if you skim, decide you dont like it then leave.)
Senor, senor, what time is it today?
I have worked beneath the sun so long with my back lower than my eyes,
that I do not know when it rises.
Senor, senor, may I have some water?
My throat burns from the thirst and I cannot even form tears to show my pain,
wont you please spare a canteen?
Senor, senor, my hands are aching.
I've cut them so many times on olive branches and spina trees that they are like shredded leather,
Can I not have gloves?
Senor, senor, my feet are bleeding
I have run from field to field carting more than I weigh and feeling my thin shoes crack underneath me,
Can I not rest for a moment?
Senor, senor, my stomache churns.
I have spent all that I have to ensure all are fed and clothed that I have none to feed myself,
Wont you spare some bread?
Senor, senor, my skin blisters.
The dusters coat my eyes, tongue and skin with a chemical that tints my flesh and leaves me ill,
Can I not wash myself?
Senor, senor, I am no more.
I broke my back working harder than any man to prove I was not worthless until my body collapsed,
Can you not build my casket?
Senor, senor, you are a kind man.
You gave me a full day's pay after I passed so that my family would not want,
the 12 dollars should buy my grave.
Senor, senor, do not be sad.
There are many more men like me to live off of nothing and sacrifice everything,
just for a hole in the wall and a shred of beef.
Senor...Senor, Los Campesinos are always around.
Points:
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Canary word: Present
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125,009 Literary Works • 672,839 Reviews
awwwww oh my goodness im like about to cry
that was a WONDERFUL poem, and even though the picture at the bottom isnt actually a part of the poem, it totally completed it because i can put a face on the guy who's speaking, and it like totally breaks my heart.
my favorite stanza i think is the first one:
"Senor, senor, what time is it today?
I have worked beneath the sun so long with my back lower than my eyes,
that I do not know when it rises"
dont ask me why, i just really like that one. im sorry im not helpful really, im not gonna do lame-o nit-picky junk and grammar and what not, cause i just liked this poem too much. so thank you for the LOVELY read
Lovely poem. I shall forever admire your ability to put the core issues of society into great poetry.
This was a great and very original concept to write about. It was quite epic, honestly. How you depict the life of the man. All your word choices are brilliant.
Keep writing.
--Knightly
Mmm you're quite the provocateur aren't you?!
This is good, it flows well, has meaning and intention.
I's wonderful to see someone who notices things like that, you have a real eye for situations and people and that really comes through in your writing. Your spelling and grammar remains pretty atrocious, but i'll let June deal with that! There's just one thing, if you right in spanish, add the tilde or it just looks weird, here's a model you can copy paste:
ñ
There we go, nothing else I think, very romantic poem you have here (and i mean as in of the romantic movement not just about love)
xxx
Velvet
Hey Eraqio! It's June again!
Wow, this poem is beautiful!
You really managed to capture the tone, the setting-- everything about the American people who are seldom remembered. Well done.
This brought tears to my eyes, really. It's so beautiful and so touching.
The only minor error I noticed was where you have "wont". Let's take a look:
"Wont" means "prone to, or likely to do something". The word you want to use here is "Won't"; the contraction for "will not" .
There isn't anything I would change here, dear. It's perfect; you have the perfect repetition, and you really pull your audience in and sustain their interest until the very last line.
Well done! Gold star for making me smile and nearly cry
Keep it up!
June
This was extremely interesting. I loved the concept. My favorite part was the end where he thanks the man for his full day's pay and the line "12 dollars should buy my grave." I really enjoy poems like this. I liked the imagery in each line. I can picture the man with cuts on his hands, dust in his eyes, thirsty, hungry, and still working as hard as he can. I liked the Senor, senor be beginnings and how they set up the following line."Senor...Senor, Los Camperos are always around" This was a good way to end it. The title is great also. I don't really have anything negative to say so good job.